{"id":319,"date":"2015-08-31T17:49:36","date_gmt":"2015-08-31T17:49:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.candelalearning.com\/introductiontocommunication1xmaster\/?post_type=chapter&p=319"},"modified":"2016-02-05T20:42:36","modified_gmt":"2016-02-05T20:42:36","slug":"challenge-listening","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/alamo-introductiontocommunication-1\/chapter\/challenge-listening\/","title":{"raw":"Communication Challenge: Listening","rendered":"Communication Challenge: Listening"},"content":{"raw":"Because Verbal Communication is the starting point and foundation of our survey of communication, we will begin with the fundamental counterpoint to verbal communication; the practice of listening.\r\n\r\nSUMMARY<\/strong>\r\n\r\nListen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don\u2019t agree with it, before expressing your experience or point of view . In order to get more of your conversation partner\u2019s attention in tense situations, pay attention first: listen and give a brief restatement of what you have heard (especially feelings) before you express your own needs or position. The kind of listening recommended here separates acknowledging <\/strong>from approving <\/strong>or agreeing<\/strong>. Acknowledging another person\u2019s thoughts and feelings does not have to mean <\/strong>that you\u00a0approve of <\/strong>or agree with <\/strong>that person\u2019s actions or way of experiencing, or that you will do whatever someone asks.\r\n\r\n\"ChallengeBy listening and then repeating back in your own words the essence and feeling of what you have just heard, from the speaker\u2019s point of view, you allow the speaker to feel the satisfaction of being understood, (a major human need). Listening responsively is always worthwhile as a way of letting people know that you care about them. Our conversation partners do not automatically know how well we have understood them, and they may not be very good at asking for confirmation. When a conversation is tense or difficult it is even more important to listen first and acknowledge what you hear . Otherwise, your chances of being heard by the other person may be very poor.\r\n\r\nListening to others helps others to listen. <\/strong>In learning to better coordinate our life activities with the life activities of others, we would do well to resist two very popular (but terrible) models of communication: arguing a case in court and debating.\u00a0 In courts and debates, each side tries to make its own points and listens to the other side only to tear down the other side\u2019s points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely have to reach agreement or get anything done together, it doesn\u2019t seem to matter how much ill will their conversational style generates. But most of us are in a very different situation. We probably spend most of our lives trying to arrange agreement and cooperative action, so we need to be concerned about engaging people, not defeating them. In business (and in family life, too) the person we defeat today will probably be the person whose cooperation we need tomorrow!<\/em>\r\n\r\nAs Marshall Rosenberg reported in his book, Nonviolent Communication<\/em>, \u201cstudies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half <\/strong>when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to repeat what the previous speaker had said\u201d (emphasis added).\r\n\r\nWhen people are upset about something and want to talk about it their capacity to listen is greatly diminished. Trying to get your point across to a person who is trying to express a strong feeling will usually cause the other person to try even harder to get that emotion recognized. On the other hand, once people feel that their messages and feelings have been heard, they start to relax and they have more attention available for listening. For example, in a hospital a nurse might say, after listening to a patient: \u201cI hear that you are very uncomfortable right now, Susan, and you would really like to get out of that bed and move around. But your doctor says your bones won\u2019t heal unless you stay put for another week.\u201d <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0The patient in this example is much more likely to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply said: \u201cI\u2019m really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay in bed. Your doctor says your bones won\u2019t heal unless you stay put for another week.\u201d <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>What is missing in this second version is any acknowledgment of the patient\u2019spresent experience.\r\n\r\nThe power of simple acknowledging. <\/strong>The practice of responsive listening described here separates acknowledging <\/em><\/strong>the thoughts and feelings that a person expresses from approving, agreeing, advising, or persuading.<\/em><\/strong>Acknowledging another person\u2019s thoughts and feelings\u2026\r\n\r\n\u2026still leaves you the option of agreeing or disagreeing with that person\u2019s point of view, actions or way of experiencing.\r\n\r\n\u2026still leaves you with the option of saying yes or no to a request.\r\n\r\n\u2026still leaves you with the option of saying more about the matter being discussed.\r\n\r\nOne recurring problem in conflict situations is that many people don\u2019tseparate acknowledging from agreeing. They are joined together in people\u2019s minds, somewhat like a two-boxes-of-soap \u201cpackage deal\u201d in a supermarket. The effect of this is, let us say, that John feels that any acknowledgment of Fred\u2019s experience implies agreement and approval, therefore John will not acknowledge any of Fred\u2019s experience. Fred tries harder to be heard and John tries harder not to hear. Of course, this is a recipe for stalemate (if not disaster).\r\n\r\nPeople want both: to be understood and acknowledged on the one hand, and to be approved and agreed with, on the other. With practice, you can learn to respond first with a simple acknowledgment. As you do this, you may find that, figuratively speaking, you can give your conversation partners half of what they want, even if you can\u2019t give them all of what they want. In many conflict situations that will be a giant step forward. Your conversation partners will also be more likely to acknowledge your position and experience, even if they don\u2019t sympathize with you. This mutual acknowledgment can create an emotional atmosphere in which it is easier to work toward agreement or more gracefully accommodate disagreements. Here are three examples of acknowledgments that do not imply agreement:\r\n
    \r\n\t
  • Counselor to a drug abuse client:
    \u201cI hear that you are feeling terrible right now and that you really want some drugs. And I want you to know that I\u2019m still concerned this stuff you\u2019re taking is going to kill you.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\r\n\t
  • Mother to seven-year-old:
    \u201cI know that you want some more cake and ice cream, Jimmy, because it tastes so good, but you\u2019ve already had three pieces and I\u2019m really worried that you\u2019ll get an upset tummy. That\u2019s why I don\u2019t want you to have any more.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\r\n\t
  • Union representative to company owner\u2019s representative:
    \u201cI understand from your presentation that you see XYZ Company as short of cash, threatened by foreign competition, and not in a position to agree to any wage increases. Now I would like us to explore contract arrangements that would allow my union members to get a wage increase and XYZ Company to advance its organizational goals.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nIn each case a person\u2019s listening to and acknowledgment of his or her conversation partner\u2019s experience or position increases the chance that the conversation partner will be willing to listen in turn. The examples given above are all a bit long and include a declaration of the listener\u2019s position or decision. In many conversations you may simply want to reassure your conversation partner with a word or two that you have heard and understood whatever they are experiencing. For example, saying, \u201cYou sound really happy [or sad] about that,\u201d etc.\r\n\r\nAs you listen to the important people in your life, give very brief summaries of the experiences they are talking about and name the want or feeling that appears to be at the heart of the experience. For example:\r\n\r\n\u201cSo you were really happy about that\u2026\u201d<\/strong>\r\n\r\n\u201cSo you drove all the way over there and they didn\u2019t have the part they promised you on the phone. What a let-down\u2026<\/strong>\r\n\r\n\u201cSounds like you wanted a big change in that situation\u2026\u201d<\/strong>\r\n\r\n\u201cWow. Your dog got run over. You must be feeling really terrible\u2026\u201d<\/strong>\r\n\r\nThe point here is to empathize, not to advise. If you added to that last statement, \u201cThat total SLOB!!! You should sue that person who ran over your dog. People need to pay for their mistakes, etc.\u201d, <\/strong>you would be taking over the conversation and also leading the person away from her or his feelings and toward your own.\r\n\r\nOther suggestions about listening more responsively:<\/strong>\r\n\r\nAs a general rule, do not just repeat another person\u2019s exact words.Summarize their experience in your own words . But in cases where people actually scream or shout something, sometimes you may want to repeat a few of their exact words in a quiet tone of voice to let them know that you have heard it just as they said it.\r\n\r\nIf the emotion is unclear, make a tentative guess, as in \u201cSo it sounds like maybe you were a little unhappy about all that\u2026\u201d \u00a0 <\/strong>The speaker will usually correct your guess if it needs correcting.\r\n\r\nListening is an art and there are very few fixed rules. Pay attention to whether the person speaking accepts your summary by saying things such as \u201cyeah!\u201d, \u201cyou got it,\u201d \u201cthat\u2019s right,\u201d and similar responses.\r\n\r\nIf you can identify with what the other person is experiencing, then in your tone of voice (as you summarize what another person is going through), express a little of the feeling that your conversation partner is expressing. (Emotionally flat summaries feel strange and distant.)\r\n\r\nSuch compassionate listening is a powerful resource for navigating through life, and it also makes significant demands on us as listeners. We may need to learn how to hold our own ground while we restate someone else\u2019s position. That takes practice. We also have to be able to listen to people\u2019s criticisms or complaints without becoming disoriented or totally losing our sense of self worth. That requires cultivating a deeper sense of self worth, which is no small project. In spite of these difficulties, the results of compassion-ate, responsive listening have been so rewarding in my life that I have found it to be worth all the effort required.\r\n\r\nReal life examples. <\/strong>Here are two brief, true stories about listening. The first is about listening going well and the second is about the heavy price people sometimes pay for not listening in an empathic way.\r\n\r\n
    \r\n\r\nJohn Gottman describes his discovery that listening really works: <\/strong>\u201cI remember the day I first discovered how Emotion Coaching [the author\u2019s approach to empathic listening] might work with my own daughter, Moriah. She was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, her favorite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the baggage counter.\r\n\r\n\u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey, but we can\u2019t get Zebra right now. He\u2019s in the big suitcase in another part of the airplane,\u201d I explained.\u201dI want Zebra,\u201d she whined pitifully.\r\n\r\n\u201cI know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn\u2019t here. He\u2019s in the baggage compartment under-neath the plane and Daddy can\u2019t get him until we get off the plane. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cI want Zebra! I want Zebra!\u201d she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where she\u2019d seen me go for snacks.\r\n\r\n\u201cI know you want Zebra,\u201d I said, feeling my blood pressure rise. \u201cBut he\u2019s not in that bag. He\u2019s not here and I can\u2019t do anything about it. Look, why don\u2019t we read about Ernie,\u201d I said, fumbling for one of her favorite picture books.\r\n\r\n\u201cNot Ernie!\u201d she wailed, angry now. \u201cI want Zebra. I want him NOW!\u201d\r\n\r\nBy now, I was getting \u201cdo something\u201d looks from the passengers, from the airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriah\u2019s face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasn\u2019t I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favorite toy from her? Didn\u2019t I understand how much she wanted it?\r\n\r\nI felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn\u2019t get Zebra, but I could offer her the next best thing \u2014 a father\u2019s comfort. \u201cYou wish you had Zebra now,\u201d I said to her. \u201cYeah,\u201d she said sadly.\r\n\r\n\u201cAnd you\u2019re angry because we can\u2019t get him for you.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cYeah.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cYou wish you could have Zebra right now,\u201d I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather curious, almost surprised. \u201cYeah,\u201d she muttered. \u201cI want him now.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cYou\u2019re tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we could just lie down.\u201d \u201cYeah,\u201d she agreed.\r\n\r\n\u201cWe can\u2019t get Zebra because he\u2019s in another part of the airplane,\u201d I said. \u201cThat makes you feel frustrated.\u201d \u201cYeah,\u201d she said with a sigh.\r\n\r\n\u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d I said, watching the tension leave her face. She rested her head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.\r\n\r\nAlthough Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted \u2014 her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasn\u2019t possible, she wasn\u2019t interested in my excuses, my arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel better. For me, it was a memorable testament to the power of empathy.\u201d\r\n\r\n
    \r\n\r\nSam Keen describes a friend\u2019s lament about the consequences of not listening deeply: <\/strong>\u201cLong ago and far away, I expected love to be light and easy and without failure.\r\n\r\n\u201cBefore we moved in together, we negotiated a prenuptial agreement. Neither of us had been married before, and we were both involved in our separate careers. So our agreement not to have children suited us both. Until\u2026 on the night she announced that her period was late and she was probably pregnant, we both treated the matter as an embarrassing accident with which we would have to deal. Why us? Why now? Without much discussion, we assumed we would do the rational thing \u2014 get an abortion. As the time approached, she began to play with hypothetical alternatives, to ask in a plaintive voice with half misty eyes: `Maybe we should keep the baby. Maybe we could get a live-in helper, and it wouldn\u2019t interrupt our lives too much. Maybe I could even quit my job and be a full-time mother for a few years.`\u00a0 \u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cMaybe . . .\u201c To each maybe I answered: \u201cBe realistic. Neither of us is willing to make the sacrifices to raise a child.\u201c She allowed herself to be convinced, silenced the voice of her irrational hopes and dreams, and terminated the pregnancy.\r\n\r\n\u201cIt has been many years now since our `decision,` and we are still together and busy with our careers and our relationship. Still no children, even though we have recently been trying to get pregnant. I can\u2019t help noticing that she suffers from spells of regret and guilt, and a certain mood of sadness settles over her. At times I know she longs for her missing child and imagines what he or she would be doing now. I reassure her that we did the right thing. But when I see her lingering guilt and pain and her worry that she missed her one chance to become a mother, I feel that I failed an important test of love. Because my mind had been closed to anything that would interrupt my plans for the future, I had listened to her without deep empathy or compassion. I\u2019m no longer sure we made the right decision. I am sure that in refusing to enter into her agony, to share the pain of her ambivalence, I betrayed her.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cI have asked for and, I think, received forgiveness, but there remains a scar that was caused by my insensitivity and self-absorption.\u201d\r\n\r\n[ Workbook editor\u2019s note: I have not included this real life excerpt to make a point for or against abortion. The lesson I draw from this story is thatwhatever decision this couple made, they would have been able to live with that decision better if the husband had listened in a way that acknowledged all his wife\u2019s feelings rather than listening only to argue her out of her feelings. What lesson do you draw from this story? <\/em>]","rendered":"

    Because Verbal Communication is the starting point and foundation of our survey of communication, we will begin with the fundamental counterpoint to verbal communication; the practice of listening.<\/p>\n

    SUMMARY<\/strong><\/p>\n

    Listen first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you don\u2019t agree with it, before expressing your experience or point of view . In order to get more of your conversation partner\u2019s attention in tense situations, pay attention first: listen and give a brief restatement of what you have heard (especially feelings) before you express your own needs or position. The kind of listening recommended here separates acknowledging <\/strong>from approving <\/strong>or agreeing<\/strong>. Acknowledging another person\u2019s thoughts and feelings does not have to mean <\/strong>that you\u00a0approve of <\/strong>or agree with <\/strong>that person\u2019s actions or way of experiencing, or that you will do whatever someone asks.<\/p>\n

    \"ChallengeBy listening and then repeating back in your own words the essence and feeling of what you have just heard, from the speaker\u2019s point of view, you allow the speaker to feel the satisfaction of being understood, (a major human need). Listening responsively is always worthwhile as a way of letting people know that you care about them. Our conversation partners do not automatically know how well we have understood them, and they may not be very good at asking for confirmation. When a conversation is tense or difficult it is even more important to listen first and acknowledge what you hear . Otherwise, your chances of being heard by the other person may be very poor.<\/p>\n

    Listening to others helps others to listen. <\/strong>In learning to better coordinate our life activities with the life activities of others, we would do well to resist two very popular (but terrible) models of communication: arguing a case in court and debating.\u00a0 In courts and debates, each side tries to make its own points and listens to the other side only to tear down the other side\u2019s points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely have to reach agreement or get anything done together, it doesn\u2019t seem to matter how much ill will their conversational style generates. But most of us are in a very different situation. We probably spend most of our lives trying to arrange agreement and cooperative action, so we need to be concerned about engaging people, not defeating them. In business (and in family life, too) the person we defeat today will probably be the person whose cooperation we need tomorrow!<\/em><\/p>\n

    As Marshall Rosenberg reported in his book, Nonviolent Communication<\/em>, \u201cstudies in labor-management negotiations demonstrate that the time required to reach conflict resolution is cut in half <\/strong>when each negotiator agrees, before responding, to repeat what the previous speaker had said\u201d (emphasis added).<\/p>\n

    When people are upset about something and want to talk about it their capacity to listen is greatly diminished. Trying to get your point across to a person who is trying to express a strong feeling will usually cause the other person to try even harder to get that emotion recognized. On the other hand, once people feel that their messages and feelings have been heard, they start to relax and they have more attention available for listening. For example, in a hospital a nurse might say, after listening to a patient: \u201cI hear that you are very uncomfortable right now, Susan, and you would really like to get out of that bed and move around. But your doctor says your bones won\u2019t heal unless you stay put for another week.\u201d <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0The patient in this example is much more likely to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply said: \u201cI\u2019m really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay in bed. Your doctor says your bones won\u2019t heal unless you stay put for another week.\u201d <\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>What is missing in this second version is any acknowledgment of the patient\u2019spresent experience.<\/p>\n

    The power of simple acknowledging. <\/strong>The practice of responsive listening described here separates acknowledging <\/em><\/strong>the thoughts and feelings that a person expresses from approving, agreeing, advising, or persuading.<\/em><\/strong>Acknowledging another person\u2019s thoughts and feelings\u2026<\/p>\n

    \u2026still leaves you the option of agreeing or disagreeing with that person\u2019s point of view, actions or way of experiencing.<\/p>\n

    \u2026still leaves you with the option of saying yes or no to a request.<\/p>\n

    \u2026still leaves you with the option of saying more about the matter being discussed.<\/p>\n

    One recurring problem in conflict situations is that many people don\u2019tseparate acknowledging from agreeing. They are joined together in people\u2019s minds, somewhat like a two-boxes-of-soap \u201cpackage deal\u201d in a supermarket. The effect of this is, let us say, that John feels that any acknowledgment of Fred\u2019s experience implies agreement and approval, therefore John will not acknowledge any of Fred\u2019s experience. Fred tries harder to be heard and John tries harder not to hear. Of course, this is a recipe for stalemate (if not disaster).<\/p>\n

    People want both: to be understood and acknowledged on the one hand, and to be approved and agreed with, on the other. With practice, you can learn to respond first with a simple acknowledgment. As you do this, you may find that, figuratively speaking, you can give your conversation partners half of what they want, even if you can\u2019t give them all of what they want. In many conflict situations that will be a giant step forward. Your conversation partners will also be more likely to acknowledge your position and experience, even if they don\u2019t sympathize with you. This mutual acknowledgment can create an emotional atmosphere in which it is easier to work toward agreement or more gracefully accommodate disagreements. Here are three examples of acknowledgments that do not imply agreement:<\/p>\n

      \n
    • Counselor to a drug abuse client:
      \u201cI hear that you are feeling terrible right now and that you really want some drugs. And I want you to know that I\u2019m still concerned this stuff you\u2019re taking is going to kill you.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • Mother to seven-year-old:
      \u201cI know that you want some more cake and ice cream, Jimmy, because it tastes so good, but you\u2019ve already had three pieces and I\u2019m really worried that you\u2019ll get an upset tummy. That\u2019s why I don\u2019t want you to have any more.\u201d<\/strong><\/li>\n
    • Union representative to company owner\u2019s representative:
      \u201cI understand from your presentation that you see XYZ Company as short of cash, threatened by foreign competition, and not in a position to agree to any wage increases. Now I would like us to explore contract arrangements that would allow my union members to get a wage increase and XYZ Company to advance its organizational goals.\u201d \u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

      In each case a person\u2019s listening to and acknowledgment of his or her conversation partner\u2019s experience or position increases the chance that the conversation partner will be willing to listen in turn. The examples given above are all a bit long and include a declaration of the listener\u2019s position or decision. In many conversations you may simply want to reassure your conversation partner with a word or two that you have heard and understood whatever they are experiencing. For example, saying, \u201cYou sound really happy [or sad] about that,\u201d etc.<\/p>\n

      As you listen to the important people in your life, give very brief summaries of the experiences they are talking about and name the want or feeling that appears to be at the heart of the experience. For example:<\/p>\n

      \u201cSo you were really happy about that\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \u201cSo you drove all the way over there and they didn\u2019t have the part they promised you on the phone. What a let-down\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \u201cSounds like you wanted a big change in that situation\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

      \u201cWow. Your dog got run over. You must be feeling really terrible\u2026\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n

      The point here is to empathize, not to advise. If you added to that last statement, \u201cThat total SLOB!!! You should sue that person who ran over your dog. People need to pay for their mistakes, etc.\u201d, <\/strong>you would be taking over the conversation and also leading the person away from her or his feelings and toward your own.<\/p>\n

      Other suggestions about listening more responsively:<\/strong><\/p>\n

      As a general rule, do not just repeat another person\u2019s exact words.Summarize their experience in your own words . But in cases where people actually scream or shout something, sometimes you may want to repeat a few of their exact words in a quiet tone of voice to let them know that you have heard it just as they said it.<\/p>\n

      If the emotion is unclear, make a tentative guess, as in \u201cSo it sounds like maybe you were a little unhappy about all that\u2026\u201d \u00a0 <\/strong>The speaker will usually correct your guess if it needs correcting.<\/p>\n

      Listening is an art and there are very few fixed rules. Pay attention to whether the person speaking accepts your summary by saying things such as \u201cyeah!\u201d, \u201cyou got it,\u201d \u201cthat\u2019s right,\u201d and similar responses.<\/p>\n

      If you can identify with what the other person is experiencing, then in your tone of voice (as you summarize what another person is going through), express a little of the feeling that your conversation partner is expressing. (Emotionally flat summaries feel strange and distant.)<\/p>\n

      Such compassionate listening is a powerful resource for navigating through life, and it also makes significant demands on us as listeners. We may need to learn how to hold our own ground while we restate someone else\u2019s position. That takes practice. We also have to be able to listen to people\u2019s criticisms or complaints without becoming disoriented or totally losing our sense of self worth. That requires cultivating a deeper sense of self worth, which is no small project. In spite of these difficulties, the results of compassion-ate, responsive listening have been so rewarding in my life that I have found it to be worth all the effort required.<\/p>\n

      Real life examples. <\/strong>Here are two brief, true stories about listening. The first is about listening going well and the second is about the heavy price people sometimes pay for not listening in an empathic way.<\/p>\n

      \n

      John Gottman describes his discovery that listening really works: <\/strong>\u201cI remember the day I first discovered how Emotion Coaching [the author\u2019s approach to empathic listening] might work with my own daughter, Moriah. She was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, her favorite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the baggage counter.<\/p>\n

      \u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey, but we can\u2019t get Zebra right now. He\u2019s in the big suitcase in another part of the airplane,\u201d I explained.\u201dI want Zebra,\u201d she whined pitifully.<\/p>\n

      \u201cI know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn\u2019t here. He\u2019s in the baggage compartment under-neath the plane and Daddy can\u2019t get him until we get off the plane. I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cI want Zebra! I want Zebra!\u201d she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where she\u2019d seen me go for snacks.<\/p>\n

      \u201cI know you want Zebra,\u201d I said, feeling my blood pressure rise. \u201cBut he\u2019s not in that bag. He\u2019s not here and I can\u2019t do anything about it. Look, why don\u2019t we read about Ernie,\u201d I said, fumbling for one of her favorite picture books.<\/p>\n

      \u201cNot Ernie!\u201d she wailed, angry now. \u201cI want Zebra. I want him NOW!\u201d<\/p>\n

      By now, I was getting \u201cdo something\u201d looks from the passengers, from the airline attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriah\u2019s face, red with anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasn\u2019t I the guy who could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favorite toy from her? Didn\u2019t I understand how much she wanted it?<\/p>\n

      I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldn\u2019t get Zebra, but I could offer her the next best thing \u2014 a father\u2019s comfort. \u201cYou wish you had Zebra now,\u201d I said to her. \u201cYeah,\u201d she said sadly.<\/p>\n

      \u201cAnd you\u2019re angry because we can\u2019t get him for you.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cYou wish you could have Zebra right now,\u201d I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather curious, almost surprised. \u201cYeah,\u201d she muttered. \u201cI want him now.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cYou\u2019re tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we could just lie down.\u201d \u201cYeah,\u201d she agreed.<\/p>\n

      \u201cWe can\u2019t get Zebra because he\u2019s in another part of the airplane,\u201d I said. \u201cThat makes you feel frustrated.\u201d \u201cYeah,\u201d she said with a sigh.<\/p>\n

      \u201cI\u2019m so sorry,\u201d I said, watching the tension leave her face. She rested her head against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.<\/p>\n

      Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wanted \u2014 her Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasn\u2019t possible, she wasn\u2019t interested in my excuses, my arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel better. For me, it was a memorable testament to the power of empathy.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \n

      Sam Keen describes a friend\u2019s lament about the consequences of not listening deeply: <\/strong>\u201cLong ago and far away, I expected love to be light and easy and without failure.<\/p>\n

      \u201cBefore we moved in together, we negotiated a prenuptial agreement. Neither of us had been married before, and we were both involved in our separate careers. So our agreement not to have children suited us both. Until\u2026 on the night she announced that her period was late and she was probably pregnant, we both treated the matter as an embarrassing accident with which we would have to deal. Why us? Why now? Without much discussion, we assumed we would do the rational thing \u2014 get an abortion. As the time approached, she began to play with hypothetical alternatives, to ask in a plaintive voice with half misty eyes: `Maybe we should keep the baby. Maybe we could get a live-in helper, and it wouldn\u2019t interrupt our lives too much. Maybe I could even quit my job and be a full-time mother for a few years.`\u00a0 \u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cMaybe . . .\u201c To each maybe I answered: \u201cBe realistic. Neither of us is willing to make the sacrifices to raise a child.\u201c She allowed herself to be convinced, silenced the voice of her irrational hopes and dreams, and terminated the pregnancy.<\/p>\n

      \u201cIt has been many years now since our `decision,` and we are still together and busy with our careers and our relationship. Still no children, even though we have recently been trying to get pregnant. I can\u2019t help noticing that she suffers from spells of regret and guilt, and a certain mood of sadness settles over her. At times I know she longs for her missing child and imagines what he or she would be doing now. I reassure her that we did the right thing. But when I see her lingering guilt and pain and her worry that she missed her one chance to become a mother, I feel that I failed an important test of love. Because my mind had been closed to anything that would interrupt my plans for the future, I had listened to her without deep empathy or compassion. I\u2019m no longer sure we made the right decision. I am sure that in refusing to enter into her agony, to share the pain of her ambivalence, I betrayed her.\u201d<\/p>\n

      \u201cI have asked for and, I think, received forgiveness, but there remains a scar that was caused by my insensitivity and self-absorption.\u201d<\/p>\n

      [ Workbook editor\u2019s note: I have not included this real life excerpt to make a point for or against abortion. The lesson I draw from this story is thatwhatever decision this couple made, they would have been able to live with that decision better if the husband had listened in a way that acknowledged all his wife\u2019s feelings rather than listening only to argue her out of her feelings. What lesson do you draw from this story? <\/em>]<\/p>\n\n\t\t\t

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      Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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