The Houyhnhnm\u2019s notion of truth and falsehood.\u00a0 The author\u2019s discourse disapproved by his master.\u00a0 The author gives a more particular account of himself, and the accidents of his voyage.<\/p>\r\nMy master heard me with great appearances of uneasiness in his countenance; because doubting, or not believing, are so little known in this country, that the inhabitants cannot tell how to behave themselves under such circumstances.\u00a0 And I remember, in frequent discourses with my master concerning the nature of manhood in other parts of the world, having occasion to talk of lying and false representation, it was with much difficulty that he comprehended what I meant, although he had otherwise a most acute judgment.\u00a0 For he argued thus: \u201cthat the use of speech was to make us understand one another, and to receive information of facts; now, if any one said the thing which was not, these ends were defeated, because I cannot properly be said to understand him; and I am so far from receiving information, that he leaves me worse than in ignorance; for I am led to believe a thing black, when it is white, and short, when it is long.\u201d\u00a0 And these were all the notions he had concerning that faculty of lying, so perfectly well understood, and so universally practised, among human creatures.\r\n\r\nTo return from this digression.\u00a0 When I asserted that the Yahoos<\/i> were the only governing animals in my country, which my master said was altogether past his conception, he desired to know, \u201cwhether we had Houyhnhnms<\/i> among us, and what was their employment?\u201d\u00a0 I told him, \u201cwe had great numbers; that in summer they grazed in the fields, and in winter were kept in houses with hay and oats, where Yahoo<\/i> servants were employed to rub their skins smooth, comb their manes, pick their feet, serve them with food, and make their beds.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI understand you well,\u201d said my master: \u201cit is now very plain, from all you have spoken, that whatever share of reason the Yahoos<\/i> pretend to, the Houyhnhnms<\/i> are your masters; I heartily wish our Yahoos<\/i> would be so tractable.\u201d\u00a0 I begged \u201chis honour would please to excuse me from proceeding any further, because I was very certain that the account he expected from me would be highly displeasing.\u201d\u00a0 But he insisted in commanding me to let him know the best and the worst.\u00a0 I told him \u201che should be obeyed.\u201d\u00a0 I owned \u201cthat the Houyhnhnms<\/i> among us, whom we called horses, were the most generous and comely animals we had; that they excelled in strength and swiftness; and when they belonged to persons of quality, were employed in travelling, racing, or drawing chariots; they were treated with much kindness and care, till they fell into diseases, or became foundered in the feet; but then they were sold, and used to all kind of drudgery till they died; after which their skins were stripped, and sold for what they were worth, and their bodies left to be devoured by dogs and birds of prey.\u00a0 But the common race of horses had not so good fortune, being kept by farmers and carriers, and other mean people, who put them to greater labour, and fed them worse.\u201d\u00a0 I described, as well as I could, our way of riding; the shape and use of a bridle, a saddle, a spur, and a whip; of harness and wheels.\u00a0 I added, \u201cthat we fastened plates of a certain hard substance, called iron, at the bottom of their feet, to preserve their hoofs from being broken by the stony ways, on which we often travelled.\u201d\r\n\r\nMy master, after some expressions of great indignation, wondered \u201chow we dared to venture upon a Houyhnhnm\u2019s<\/i> back; for he was sure, that the weakest servant in his house would be able to shake off the strongest Yahoo<\/i>; or by lying down and rolling on his back, squeeze the brute to death.\u201d\u00a0 I answered \u201cthat our horses were trained up, from three or four years old, to the several uses we intended them for; that if any of them proved intolerably vicious, they were employed for carriages; that they were severely beaten, while they were young, for any mischievous tricks; that the males, designed for the common use of riding or draught, were generally castrated about two years after their birth, to take down their spirits, and make them more tame and gentle; that they were indeed sensible of rewards and punishments; but his honour would please to consider, that they had not the least tincture of reason, any more than the Yahoos<\/i> in this country.\u201d\r\n\r\nIt put me to the pains of many circumlocutions, to give my master a right idea of what I spoke; for their language does not abound in variety of words, because their wants and passions are fewer than among us.\u00a0 But it is impossible to express his noble resentment at our savage treatment of the Houyhnhnm<\/i> race; particularly after I had explained the manner and use of castrating horses among us, to hinder them from propagating their kind, and to render them more servile.\u00a0 He said, \u201cif it were possible there could be any country where Yahoos<\/i> alone were endued with reason, they certainly must be the governing animal; because reason in time will always prevail against brutal strength.\u00a0 But, considering the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, he thought no creature of equal bulk was so ill-contrived for employing that reason in the common offices of life;\u201d whereupon he desired to know \u201cwhether those among whom I lived resembled me, or the Yahoos<\/i> of his country?\u201d\u00a0 I assured him, \u201cthat I was as well shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and the females, were much more soft and tender, and the skins of the latter generally as white as milk.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI differed indeed from other Yahoos<\/i>, being much more cleanly, and not altogether so deformed; but, in point of real advantage, he thought I differed for the worse: that my nails were of no use either to my fore or hinder feet; as to my fore feet, he could not properly call them by that name, for he never observed me to walk upon them; that they were too soft to bear the ground; that I generally went with them uncovered; neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the same shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind: that I could not walk with any security, for if either of my hinder feet slipped, I must inevitably fail.\u201d\u00a0 He then began to find fault with other parts of my body: \u201cthe flatness of my face, the prominence of my nose, mine eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not look on either side without turning my head: that I was not able to feed myself, without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth: and therefore nature had placed those joints to answer that necessity.\u00a0 He knew not what could be the use of those several clefts and divisions in my feet behind; that these were too soft to bear the hardness and sharpness of stones, without a covering made from the skin of some other brute; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every day, with tediousness and trouble: and lastly, that he observed every animal in this country naturally to abhor the Yahoos<\/i>, whom the weaker avoided, and the stronger drove from them.\u00a0 So that, supposing us to have the gift of reason, he could not see how it were possible to cure that natural antipathy, which every creature discovered against us; nor consequently how we could tame and render them serviceable.\u00a0 However, he would,\u201d as he said, \u201cdebate the matter no farther, because he was more desirous to know my own story, the country where I was born, and the several actions and events of my life, before I came hither.\u201d\r\n\r\nI assured him, \u201chow extremely desirous I was that he should be satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would do my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;\u201d which he was pleased to promise me.\r\n\r\nI said, \u201cmy birth was of honest parents, in an island called England; which was remote from his country, as many days\u2019 journey as the strongest of his honour\u2019s servants could travel in the annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom we called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty Yahoos<\/i> under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced to supply them by others picked out from several nations; that our ship was twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great storm, and the second by striking against a rock.\u201d\u00a0 Here my master interposed, by asking me, \u201chow I could persuade strangers, out of different countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had sustained, and the hazards I had run?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cthey were fellows of desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on account of their poverty or their crimes.\u00a0 Some were undone by lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning, robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to the enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of seeking a livelihood in other places.\u201d\r\n\r\nDuring this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me several times.\u00a0 I had made use of many circumlocutions in describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most of our crew had been forced to fly their country.\u00a0 This labour took up several days\u2019 conversation, before he was able to comprehend me.\u00a0 He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or necessity of practising those vices.\u00a0 To clear up which, I endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power and riches; of the terrible effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy.\u00a0 All this I was forced to define and describe by putting cases and making suppositions.\u00a0 After which, like one whose imagination was struck with something never seen or heard of before, he would lift up his eyes with amazement and indignation.\u00a0 Power, government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other things, had no terms wherein that language could express them, which made the difficulty almost insuperable, to give my master any conception of what I meant.\u00a0 But being of an excellent understanding, much improved by contemplation and converse, he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what human nature, in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and desired I would give him some particular account of that land which we call Europe, but especially of my own country.\r\nCHAPTER V.<\/h3>\r\n
The author at his master\u2019s command, informs him of the state of England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe.\u00a0 The author begins to explain the English constitution.<\/p>\r\nThe reader may please to observe, that the following extract of many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of the most material points which were discoursed at several times for above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction, as I farther improved in the Houyhnhnm<\/i> tongue.\u00a0 I laid before him, as well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I gave to all the questions he made, as they arose upon several subjects, were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted.\u00a0 But I shall here only set down the substance of what passed between us concerning my own country, reducing it in order as well as I can, without any regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly adhere to truth.\u00a0 My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to do justice to my master\u2019s arguments and expressions, which must needs suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation into our barbarous English.\r\n\r\nIn obedience, therefore, to his honour\u2019s commands, I related to him the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of Christendom were engaged, and which still continued: I computed, at his request, \u201cthat about a million of Yahoos<\/i> might have been killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a hundred or more cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt or sunk.\u201d\r\n\r\nHe asked me, \u201cwhat were the usual causes or motives that made one country go to war with another?\u201d\u00a0 I answered \u201cthey were innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.\u00a0 Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.\u00a0 Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white, red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean; with many more.\u00a0 Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a continuance, as those occasioned by difference in opinion, especially if it be in things indifferent.\r\n\r\n\u201cSometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of them pretend to any right.\u00a0 Sometimes one prince quarrels with another for fear the other should quarrel with him.\u00a0 Sometimes a war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and sometimes, because he is too weak.\u00a0 Sometimes our neighbours want the things which we have, or have the things which we want, and we both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs.\u00a0 It is a very justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or embroiled by factions among themselves.\u00a0 It is justifiable to enter into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies convenient for us, or a territory of land, that would render our dominions round and complete.\u00a0 If a prince sends forces into a nation, where the people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully put half of them to death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and reduce them from their barbarous way of living.\u00a0 It is a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince desires the assistance of another, to secure him against an invasion, that the assistant, when he has driven out the invader, should seize on the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or banish, the prince he came to relieve.\u00a0 Alliance by blood, or marriage, is a frequent cause of war between princes; and the nearer the kindred is, the greater their disposition to quarrel; poor nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud; and pride and hunger will ever be at variance.\u00a0 For these reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier is a Yahoo<\/i> hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can.\r\n\r\n\u201cThere is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-fourths to themselves, and it is the best part of their maintenance: such are those in many northern parts of Europe.\u201d\r\n\r\n\u201cWhat you have told me,\u201d said my master, \u201cupon the subject of war, does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that reason you pretend to: however, it is happy that the shame is greater than the danger; and that nature has left you utterly incapable of doing much mischief.\u00a0 For, your mouths lying flat with your faces, you can hardly bite each other to any purpose, unless by consent.\u00a0 Then as to the claws upon your feet before and behind, they are so short and tender, that one of our Yahoos<\/i> would drive a dozen of yours before him.\u00a0 And therefore, in recounting the numbers of those who have been killed in battle, I cannot but think you have said the thing which is not.\u201d\r\n\r\nI could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his ignorance.\u00a0 And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols, bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks, undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships sunk with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side, dying groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion, trampling to death under horses\u2019 feet, flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and birds of prey; plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying.\u00a0 And to set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I assured him, \u201cthat I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at once in a siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies drop down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the spectators.\u201d\r\n\r\nI was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded me silence.\u00a0 He said, \u201cwhoever understood the nature of Yahoos<\/i>, might easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to be capable of every action I had named, if their strength and cunning equalled their malice.\u00a0 But as my discourse had increased his abhorrence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a disturbance in his mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.\u00a0 He thought his ears, being used to such abominable words, might, by degrees, admit them with less detestation: that although he hated the Yahoos<\/i> of this country, yet he no more blamed them for their odious qualities, than he did a gnnayh<\/i> (a bird of prey) for its cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof.\u00a0 But when a creature pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities, he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than brutality itself.\u00a0 He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more distorted.\u201d\r\n\r\nHe added, \u201cthat he had heard too much upon the subject of war, both in this and some former discourses.\u00a0 There was another point, which a little perplexed him at present.\u00a0 I had informed him, that some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by law; that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was intended for every man\u2019s preservation, should be any man\u2019s ruin.\u00a0 Therefore he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law, and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my own country; because he thought nature and reason were sufficient guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in showing us what he ought to do, and what to avoid.\u201d\r\n\r\nI assured his honour, \u201cthat the law was a science in which I had not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I would give him all the satisfaction I was able.\u201d\r\n\r\nI said, \u201cthere was a society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose, that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.\u00a0 To this society all the rest of the people are slaves.\u00a0 For example, if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove that he ought to have my cow from me.\u00a0 I must then hire another to defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man should be allowed to speak for himself.\u00a0 Now, in this case, I, who am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will.\u00a0 The second disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution, or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law.\u00a0 And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow.\u00a0 The first is, to gain over my adversary\u2019s lawyer with a double fee, who will then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his side.\u00a0 The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary: and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak the favour of the bench.\u00a0 Now your honour is to know, that these judges are persons appointed to decide all controversies of property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a large bribe from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.\r\n\r\n\u201cIt is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to record all the decisions formerly made against common justice, and the general reason of mankind.\u00a0 These, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.\r\n\r\n\u201cIn pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all circumstances which are not to the purpose.\u00a0 For instance, in the case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad; what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.\r\n\r\n\u201cIt is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred miles off.\r\n\r\n\u201cIn the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the method is much more short and commendable: the judge first sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he can easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due forms of law.\u201d\r\n\r\nHere my master interposing, said, \u201cit was a pity, that creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers, by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and knowledge.\u201d\u00a0 In answer to which I assured his honour, \u201cthat in all points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in every other subject of discourse as in that of their own profession.\u201d\r\nCHAPTER VI.<\/h3>\r\n
A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne.\u00a0 The character of a first minister of state in European courts.<\/p>\r\nMy master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.\u00a0 Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals; \u201cthat when a Yahoo<\/i> had got a great store of this precious substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females.\u00a0 Therefore since money alone was able to perform all these feats, our Yahoos<\/i> thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from their natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man\u2019s labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to make a few live plentifully.\u201d\r\n\r\nI enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over the rest.\u00a0 Therefore he desired I would let him know, \u201cwhat these costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?\u201d\u00a0 Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other conveniences.\u00a0 I assured him \u201cthat this whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round before one of our better female Yahoos<\/i> could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in.\u201d\u00a0 He said \u201cthat must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants.\u00a0 But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending over the sea for drink.\u201d\u00a0 I replied \u201cthat England (the dear place of my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other convenience of life.\u00a0 But, in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases, folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves.\u00a0 Hence it follows of necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning, whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like occupations:\u201d every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him understand.\r\n\r\n\u201cThat wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our lives uncomfortable and short.\r\n\r\n\u201cBut beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich and to each other.\u00a0 For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife.\u201d\r\n\r\nI was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions, informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.\u00a0 But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to apprehend what I meant.\u00a0 \u201cHe could easily conceive, that a Houyhnhnm<\/i>, grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason of so unaccountable an evil.\u201d\r\n\r\nI told him \u201cwe fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion; that prostitute female Yahoos<\/i> acquired a certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who fell into their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, were propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred, spread over every limb and joint\u2014in short, every part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself.\u00a0 To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or pretence, of curing the sick.\u00a0 And because I had some skill in the faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let him know the whole mystery and method by which they proceed.\r\n\r\n\u201cTheir fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion; whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the mouth.\u00a0 Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, sea-weed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men\u2019s flesh and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with some other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and this they call a purge, or a clyster.\u00a0 For nature (as the physicians allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.\r\n\r\n\u201cBut, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures; these have their several names, and so have the drugs that are proper for them; and with these our female Yahoos<\/i> are always infested.\r\n\r\n\u201cOne great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics, wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death, which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world, by a seasonable dose.\r\n\r\n\u201cThey are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of state, and often to princes.\u201d\r\n\r\nI had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world.\u00a0 But having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, \u201cwhat species of Yahoo<\/i> I particularly meant by that appellation.\u201d\r\n\r\nI told him, \u201cthat a first or chief minister of state, who was the person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn.\u00a0 The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which, every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.\r\n\r\n\u201cThere are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief minister.\u00a0 The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in public assemblies, against the corruption\u2019s of the court.\u00a0 But a wise prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the last of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their master.\u00a0 That these ministers, having all employments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act of indemnity\u201d (whereof I described the nature to him), \u201cthey secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the public laden with the spoils of the nation.\r\n\r\n\u201cThe palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and bribery.\u00a0 Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be successors to their lord.\r\n\r\n\u201cHe is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the governors of the kingdom.\u201d\r\n\r\nOne day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I could not pretend to deserve: \u201cthat he was sure I must have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the Yahoos<\/i> of his nation, although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which must be imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes; and besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy.\u201d\r\n\r\nHe made me observe, \u201cthat among the Houyhnhnms<\/i>, the white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own race, which in that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural.\u201d\r\n\r\nI made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the same time, \u201cthat my birth was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a different thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon as years will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract odious diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of money), whom they hate and despise.\u00a0 That the productions of such marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by which means the family seldom continues above three generations, unless the wife takes care to provide a healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order to improve and continue the breed.\u00a0 That a weak diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real father to have been a groom or a coachman.\u00a0 The imperfections of his mind run parallel with those of his body, being a composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.\r\n\r\n\u201cWithout the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the decision of all our possessions, without appeal.\u201d <\/a>[514]<\/a>\r\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n The Houyhnhnm\u2019s notion of truth and falsehood.\u00a0 The author\u2019s discourse disapproved by his master.\u00a0 The author gives a more particular account of himself, and the accidents of his voyage.<\/p>\n My master heard me with great appearances of uneasiness in his countenance; because doubting, or not believing, are so little known in this country, that the inhabitants cannot tell how to behave themselves under such circumstances.\u00a0 And I remember, in frequent discourses with my master concerning the nature of manhood in other parts of the world, having occasion to talk of lying and false representation, it was with much difficulty that he comprehended what I meant, although he had otherwise a most acute judgment.\u00a0 For he argued thus: \u201cthat the use of speech was to make us understand one another, and to receive information of facts; now, if any one said the thing which was not, these ends were defeated, because I cannot properly be said to understand him; and I am so far from receiving information, that he leaves me worse than in ignorance; for I am led to believe a thing black, when it is white, and short, when it is long.\u201d\u00a0 And these were all the notions he had concerning that faculty of lying, so perfectly well understood, and so universally practised, among human creatures.<\/p>\n To return from this digression.\u00a0 When I asserted that the Yahoos<\/i> were the only governing animals in my country, which my master said was altogether past his conception, he desired to know, \u201cwhether we had Houyhnhnms<\/i> among us, and what was their employment?\u201d\u00a0 I told him, \u201cwe had great numbers; that in summer they grazed in the fields, and in winter were kept in houses with hay and oats, where Yahoo<\/i> servants were employed to rub their skins smooth, comb their manes, pick their feet, serve them with food, and make their beds.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cI understand you well,\u201d said my master: \u201cit is now very plain, from all you have spoken, that whatever share of reason the Yahoos<\/i> pretend to, the Houyhnhnms<\/i> are your masters; I heartily wish our Yahoos<\/i> would be so tractable.\u201d\u00a0 I begged \u201chis honour would please to excuse me from proceeding any further, because I was very certain that the account he expected from me would be highly displeasing.\u201d\u00a0 But he insisted in commanding me to let him know the best and the worst.\u00a0 I told him \u201che should be obeyed.\u201d\u00a0 I owned \u201cthat the Houyhnhnms<\/i> among us, whom we called horses, were the most generous and comely animals we had; that they excelled in strength and swiftness; and when they belonged to persons of quality, were employed in travelling, racing, or drawing chariots; they were treated with much kindness and care, till they fell into diseases, or became foundered in the feet; but then they were sold, and used to all kind of drudgery till they died; after which their skins were stripped, and sold for what they were worth, and their bodies left to be devoured by dogs and birds of prey.\u00a0 But the common race of horses had not so good fortune, being kept by farmers and carriers, and other mean people, who put them to greater labour, and fed them worse.\u201d\u00a0 I described, as well as I could, our way of riding; the shape and use of a bridle, a saddle, a spur, and a whip; of harness and wheels.\u00a0 I added, \u201cthat we fastened plates of a certain hard substance, called iron, at the bottom of their feet, to preserve their hoofs from being broken by the stony ways, on which we often travelled.\u201d<\/p>\n My master, after some expressions of great indignation, wondered \u201chow we dared to venture upon a Houyhnhnm\u2019s<\/i> back; for he was sure, that the weakest servant in his house would be able to shake off the strongest Yahoo<\/i>; or by lying down and rolling on his back, squeeze the brute to death.\u201d\u00a0 I answered \u201cthat our horses were trained up, from three or four years old, to the several uses we intended them for; that if any of them proved intolerably vicious, they were employed for carriages; that they were severely beaten, while they were young, for any mischievous tricks; that the males, designed for the common use of riding or draught, were generally castrated about two years after their birth, to take down their spirits, and make them more tame and gentle; that they were indeed sensible of rewards and punishments; but his honour would please to consider, that they had not the least tincture of reason, any more than the Yahoos<\/i> in this country.\u201d<\/p>\n It put me to the pains of many circumlocutions, to give my master a right idea of what I spoke; for their language does not abound in variety of words, because their wants and passions are fewer than among us.\u00a0 But it is impossible to express his noble resentment at our savage treatment of the Houyhnhnm<\/i> race; particularly after I had explained the manner and use of castrating horses among us, to hinder them from propagating their kind, and to render them more servile.\u00a0 He said, \u201cif it were possible there could be any country where Yahoos<\/i> alone were endued with reason, they certainly must be the governing animal; because reason in time will always prevail against brutal strength.\u00a0 But, considering the frame of our bodies, and especially of mine, he thought no creature of equal bulk was so ill-contrived for employing that reason in the common offices of life;\u201d whereupon he desired to know \u201cwhether those among whom I lived resembled me, or the Yahoos<\/i> of his country?\u201d\u00a0 I assured him, \u201cthat I was as well shaped as most of my age; but the younger, and the females, were much more soft and tender, and the skins of the latter generally as white as milk.\u201d\u00a0 He said, \u201cI differed indeed from other Yahoos<\/i>, being much more cleanly, and not altogether so deformed; but, in point of real advantage, he thought I differed for the worse: that my nails were of no use either to my fore or hinder feet; as to my fore feet, he could not properly call them by that name, for he never observed me to walk upon them; that they were too soft to bear the ground; that I generally went with them uncovered; neither was the covering I sometimes wore on them of the same shape, or so strong as that on my feet behind: that I could not walk with any security, for if either of my hinder feet slipped, I must inevitably fail.\u201d\u00a0 He then began to find fault with other parts of my body: \u201cthe flatness of my face, the prominence of my nose, mine eyes placed directly in front, so that I could not look on either side without turning my head: that I was not able to feed myself, without lifting one of my fore-feet to my mouth: and therefore nature had placed those joints to answer that necessity.\u00a0 He knew not what could be the use of those several clefts and divisions in my feet behind; that these were too soft to bear the hardness and sharpness of stones, without a covering made from the skin of some other brute; that my whole body wanted a fence against heat and cold, which I was forced to put on and off every day, with tediousness and trouble: and lastly, that he observed every animal in this country naturally to abhor the Yahoos<\/i>, whom the weaker avoided, and the stronger drove from them.\u00a0 So that, supposing us to have the gift of reason, he could not see how it were possible to cure that natural antipathy, which every creature discovered against us; nor consequently how we could tame and render them serviceable.\u00a0 However, he would,\u201d as he said, \u201cdebate the matter no farther, because he was more desirous to know my own story, the country where I was born, and the several actions and events of my life, before I came hither.\u201d<\/p>\n I assured him, \u201chow extremely desirous I was that he should be satisfied on every point; but I doubted much, whether it would be possible for me to explain myself on several subjects, whereof his honour could have no conception; because I saw nothing in his country to which I could resemble them; that, however, I would do my best, and strive to express myself by similitudes, humbly desiring his assistance when I wanted proper words;\u201d which he was pleased to promise me.<\/p>\n I said, \u201cmy birth was of honest parents, in an island called England; which was remote from his country, as many days\u2019 journey as the strongest of his honour\u2019s servants could travel in the annual course of the sun; that I was bred a surgeon, whose trade it is to cure wounds and hurts in the body, gotten by accident or violence; that my country was governed by a female man, whom we called queen; that I left it to get riches, whereby I might maintain myself and family, when I should return; that, in my last voyage, I was commander of the ship, and had about fifty Yahoos<\/i> under me, many of which died at sea, and I was forced to supply them by others picked out from several nations; that our ship was twice in danger of being sunk, the first time by a great storm, and the second by striking against a rock.\u201d\u00a0 Here my master interposed, by asking me, \u201chow I could persuade strangers, out of different countries, to venture with me, after the losses I had sustained, and the hazards I had run?\u201d\u00a0 I said, \u201cthey were fellows of desperate fortunes, forced to fly from the places of their birth on account of their poverty or their crimes.\u00a0 Some were undone by lawsuits; others spent all they had in drinking, whoring, and gaming; others fled for treason; many for murder, theft, poisoning, robbery, perjury, forgery, coining false money, for committing rapes, or sodomy; for flying from their colours, or deserting to the enemy; and most of them had broken prison; none of these durst return to their native countries, for fear of being hanged, or of starving in a jail; and therefore they were under the necessity of seeking a livelihood in other places.\u201d<\/p>\n During this discourse, my master was pleased to interrupt me several times.\u00a0 I had made use of many circumlocutions in describing to him the nature of the several crimes for which most of our crew had been forced to fly their country.\u00a0 This labour took up several days\u2019 conversation, before he was able to comprehend me.\u00a0 He was wholly at a loss to know what could be the use or necessity of practising those vices.\u00a0 To clear up which, I endeavoured to give some ideas of the desire of power and riches; of the terrible effects of lust, intemperance, malice, and envy.\u00a0 All this I was forced to define and describe by putting cases and making suppositions.\u00a0 After which, like one whose imagination was struck with something never seen or heard of before, he would lift up his eyes with amazement and indignation.\u00a0 Power, government, war, law, punishment, and a thousand other things, had no terms wherein that language could express them, which made the difficulty almost insuperable, to give my master any conception of what I meant.\u00a0 But being of an excellent understanding, much improved by contemplation and converse, he at last arrived at a competent knowledge of what human nature, in our parts of the world, is capable to perform, and desired I would give him some particular account of that land which we call Europe, but especially of my own country.<\/p>\n The author at his master\u2019s command, informs him of the state of England. The causes of war among the princes of Europe.\u00a0 The author begins to explain the English constitution.<\/p>\n The reader may please to observe, that the following extract of many conversations I had with my master, contains a summary of the most material points which were discoursed at several times for above two years; his honour often desiring fuller satisfaction, as I farther improved in the Houyhnhnm<\/i> tongue.\u00a0 I laid before him, as well as I could, the whole state of Europe; I discoursed of trade and manufactures, of arts and sciences; and the answers I gave to all the questions he made, as they arose upon several subjects, were a fund of conversation not to be exhausted.\u00a0 But I shall here only set down the substance of what passed between us concerning my own country, reducing it in order as well as I can, without any regard to time or other circumstances, while I strictly adhere to truth.\u00a0 My only concern is, that I shall hardly be able to do justice to my master\u2019s arguments and expressions, which must needs suffer by my want of capacity, as well as by a translation into our barbarous English.<\/p>\n In obedience, therefore, to his honour\u2019s commands, I related to him the Revolution under the Prince of Orange; the long war with France, entered into by the said prince, and renewed by his successor, the present queen, wherein the greatest powers of Christendom were engaged, and which still continued: I computed, at his request, \u201cthat about a million of Yahoos<\/i> might have been killed in the whole progress of it; and perhaps a hundred or more cities taken, and five times as many ships burnt or sunk.\u201d<\/p>\n He asked me, \u201cwhat were the usual causes or motives that made one country go to war with another?\u201d\u00a0 I answered \u201cthey were innumerable; but I should only mention a few of the chief.\u00a0 Sometimes the ambition of princes, who never think they have land or people enough to govern; sometimes the corruption of ministers, who engage their master in a war, in order to stifle or divert the clamour of the subjects against their evil administration.\u00a0 Difference in opinions has cost many millions of lives: for instance, whether flesh be bread, or bread be flesh; whether the juice of a certain berry be blood or wine; whether whistling be a vice or a virtue; whether it be better to kiss a post, or throw it into the fire; what is the best colour for a coat, whether black, white, red, or gray; and whether it should be long or short, narrow or wide, dirty or clean; with many more.\u00a0 Neither are any wars so furious and bloody, or of so long a continuance, as those occasioned by difference in opinion, especially if it be in things indifferent.<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes the quarrel between two princes is to decide which of them shall dispossess a third of his dominions, where neither of them pretend to any right.\u00a0 Sometimes one prince quarrels with another for fear the other should quarrel with him.\u00a0 Sometimes a war is entered upon, because the enemy is too strong; and sometimes, because he is too weak.\u00a0 Sometimes our neighbours want the things which we have, or have the things which we want, and we both fight, till they take ours, or give us theirs.\u00a0 It is a very justifiable cause of a war, to invade a country after the people have been wasted by famine, destroyed by pestilence, or embroiled by factions among themselves.\u00a0 It is justifiable to enter into war against our nearest ally, when one of his towns lies convenient for us, or a territory of land, that would render our dominions round and complete.\u00a0 If a prince sends forces into a nation, where the people are poor and ignorant, he may lawfully put half of them to death, and make slaves of the rest, in order to civilize and reduce them from their barbarous way of living.\u00a0 It is a very kingly, honourable, and frequent practice, when one prince desires the assistance of another, to secure him against an invasion, that the assistant, when he has driven out the invader, should seize on the dominions himself, and kill, imprison, or banish, the prince he came to relieve.\u00a0 Alliance by blood, or marriage, is a frequent cause of war between princes; and the nearer the kindred is, the greater their disposition to quarrel; poor nations are hungry, and rich nations are proud; and pride and hunger will ever be at variance.\u00a0 For these reasons, the trade of a soldier is held the most honourable of all others; because a soldier is a Yahoo<\/i> hired to kill, in cold blood, as many of his own species, who have never offended him, as possibly he can.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is likewise a kind of beggarly princes in Europe, not able to make war by themselves, who hire out their troops to richer nations, for so much a day to each man; of which they keep three-fourths to themselves, and it is the best part of their maintenance: such are those in many northern parts of Europe.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWhat you have told me,\u201d said my master, \u201cupon the subject of war, does indeed discover most admirably the effects of that reason you pretend to: however, it is happy that the shame is greater than the danger; and that nature has left you utterly incapable of doing much mischief.\u00a0 For, your mouths lying flat with your faces, you can hardly bite each other to any purpose, unless by consent.\u00a0 Then as to the claws upon your feet before and behind, they are so short and tender, that one of our Yahoos<\/i> would drive a dozen of yours before him.\u00a0 And therefore, in recounting the numbers of those who have been killed in battle, I cannot but think you have said the thing which is not.\u201d<\/p>\n I could not forbear shaking my head, and smiling a little at his ignorance.\u00a0 And being no stranger to the art of war, I gave him a description of cannons, culverins, muskets, carabines, pistols, bullets, powder, swords, bayonets, battles, sieges, retreats, attacks, undermines, countermines, bombardments, sea fights, ships sunk with a thousand men, twenty thousand killed on each side, dying groans, limbs flying in the air, smoke, noise, confusion, trampling to death under horses\u2019 feet, flight, pursuit, victory; fields strewed with carcases, left for food to dogs and wolves and birds of prey; plundering, stripping, ravishing, burning, and destroying.\u00a0 And to set forth the valour of my own dear countrymen, I assured him, \u201cthat I had seen them blow up a hundred enemies at once in a siege, and as many in a ship, and beheld the dead bodies drop down in pieces from the clouds, to the great diversion of the spectators.\u201d<\/p>\n I was going on to more particulars, when my master commanded me silence.\u00a0 He said, \u201cwhoever understood the nature of Yahoos<\/i>, might easily believe it possible for so vile an animal to be capable of every action I had named, if their strength and cunning equalled their malice.\u00a0 But as my discourse had increased his abhorrence of the whole species, so he found it gave him a disturbance in his mind to which he was wholly a stranger before.\u00a0 He thought his ears, being used to such abominable words, might, by degrees, admit them with less detestation: that although he hated the Yahoos<\/i> of this country, yet he no more blamed them for their odious qualities, than he did a gnnayh<\/i> (a bird of prey) for its cruelty, or a sharp stone for cutting his hoof.\u00a0 But when a creature pretending to reason could be capable of such enormities, he dreaded lest the corruption of that faculty might be worse than brutality itself.\u00a0 He seemed therefore confident, that, instead of reason we were only possessed of some quality fitted to increase our natural vices; as the reflection from a troubled stream returns the image of an ill shapen body, not only larger but more distorted.\u201d<\/p>\n He added, \u201cthat he had heard too much upon the subject of war, both in this and some former discourses.\u00a0 There was another point, which a little perplexed him at present.\u00a0 I had informed him, that some of our crew left their country on account of being ruined by law; that I had already explained the meaning of the word; but he was at a loss how it should come to pass, that the law, which was intended for every man\u2019s preservation, should be any man\u2019s ruin.\u00a0 Therefore he desired to be further satisfied what I meant by law, and the dispensers thereof, according to the present practice in my own country; because he thought nature and reason were sufficient guides for a reasonable animal, as we pretended to be, in showing us what he ought to do, and what to avoid.\u201d<\/p>\n I assured his honour, \u201cthat the law was a science in which I had not much conversed, further than by employing advocates, in vain, upon some injustices that had been done me: however, I would give him all the satisfaction I was able.\u201d<\/p>\n I said, \u201cthere was a society of men among us, bred up from their youth in the art of proving, by words multiplied for the purpose, that white is black, and black is white, according as they are paid.\u00a0 To this society all the rest of the people are slaves.\u00a0 For example, if my neighbour has a mind to my cow, he has a lawyer to prove that he ought to have my cow from me.\u00a0 I must then hire another to defend my right, it being against all rules of law that any man should be allowed to speak for himself.\u00a0 Now, in this case, I, who am the right owner, lie under two great disadvantages: first, my lawyer, being practised almost from his cradle in defending falsehood, is quite out of his element when he would be an advocate for justice, which is an unnatural office he always attempts with great awkwardness, if not with ill-will.\u00a0 The second disadvantage is, that my lawyer must proceed with great caution, or else he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his brethren, as one that would lessen the practice of the law.\u00a0 And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow.\u00a0 The first is, to gain over my adversary\u2019s lawyer with a double fee, who will then betray his client by insinuating that he hath justice on his side.\u00a0 The second way is for my lawyer to make my cause appear as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adversary: and this, if it be skilfully done, will certainly bespeak the favour of the bench.\u00a0 Now your honour is to know, that these judges are persons appointed to decide all controversies of property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the most dexterous lawyers, who are grown old or lazy; and having been biassed all their lives against truth and equity, lie under such a fatal necessity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppression, that I have known some of them refuse a large bribe from the side where justice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is a maxim among these lawyers that whatever has been done before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take special care to record all the decisions formerly made against common justice, and the general reason of mankind.\u00a0 These, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most iniquitous opinions; and the judges never fail of directing accordingly.<\/p>\n \u201cIn pleading, they studiously avoid entering into the merits of the cause; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all circumstances which are not to the purpose.\u00a0 For instance, in the case already mentioned; they never desire to know what claim or title my adversary has to my cow; but whether the said cow were red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in be round or square; whether she was milked at home or abroad; what diseases she is subject to, and the like; after which they consult precedents, adjourn the cause from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years, come to an issue.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is likewise to be observed, that this society has a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can understand, and wherein all their laws are written, which they take special care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very essence of truth and falsehood, of right and wrong; so that it will take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for six generations belongs to me, or to a stranger three hundred miles off.<\/p>\n \u201cIn the trial of persons accused for crimes against the state, the method is much more short and commendable: the judge first sends to sound the disposition of those in power, after which he can easily hang or save a criminal, strictly preserving all due forms of law.\u201d<\/p>\n Here my master interposing, said, \u201cit was a pity, that creatures endowed with such prodigious abilities of mind, as these lawyers, by the description I gave of them, must certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be instructors of others in wisdom and knowledge.\u201d\u00a0 In answer to which I assured his honour, \u201cthat in all points out of their own trade, they were usually the most ignorant and stupid generation among us, the most despicable in common conversation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally disposed to pervert the general reason of mankind in every other subject of discourse as in that of their own profession.\u201d<\/p>\n A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne.\u00a0 The character of a first minister of state in European courts.<\/p>\n My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire.\u00a0 Whereupon I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the metals; \u201cthat when a Yahoo<\/i> had got a great store of this precious substance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the finest clothing, the noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meats and drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females.\u00a0 Therefore since money alone was able to perform all these feats, our Yahoos<\/i> thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or to save, as they found themselves inclined, from their natural bent either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man\u2019s labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were forced to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to make a few live plentifully.\u201d<\/p>\n I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon a supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over the rest.\u00a0 Therefore he desired I would let him know, \u201cwhat these costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?\u201d\u00a0 Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other conveniences.\u00a0 I assured him \u201cthat this whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round before one of our better female Yahoos<\/i> could get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in.\u201d\u00a0 He said \u201cthat must needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants.\u00a0 But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vast tracts of ground as I described should be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the necessity of sending over the sea for drink.\u201d\u00a0 I replied \u201cthat England (the dear place of my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other convenience of life.\u00a0 But, in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we sent away the greatest part of our necessary things to other countries, whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases, folly, and vice, to spend among ourselves.\u00a0 Hence it follows of necessity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek their livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning, whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like occupations:\u201d every one of which terms I was at much pains to make him understand.<\/p>\n \u201cThat wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears, suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our lives uncomfortable and short.<\/p>\n \u201cBut beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich and to each other.\u00a0 For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife.\u201d<\/p>\n I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions, informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases.\u00a0 But here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to apprehend what I meant.\u00a0 \u201cHe could easily conceive, that a Houyhnhnm<\/i>, grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who works all things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason of so unaccountable an evil.\u201d<\/p>\n I told him \u201cwe fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion; that prostitute female Yahoos<\/i> acquired a certain malady, which bred rottenness in the bones of those who fell into their embraces; that this, and many other diseases, were propagated from father to son; so that great numbers came into the world with complicated maladies upon them; that it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human bodies, for they would not be fewer than five or six hundred, spread over every limb and joint\u2014in short, every part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to itself.\u00a0 To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up among us in the profession, or pretence, of curing the sick.\u00a0 And because I had some skill in the faculty, I would, in gratitude to his honour, let him know the whole mystery and method by which they proceed.<\/p>\n \u201cTheir fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion; whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the mouth.\u00a0 Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils, shells, salts, juices, sea-weed, excrements, barks of trees, serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men\u2019s flesh and bones, birds, beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and this they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with some other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the bowels; which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and this they call a purge, or a clyster.\u00a0 For nature (as the physicians allege) having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all diseases nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace her in it, the body must be treated in a manner directly contrary, by interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.<\/p>\n \u201cBut, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures; these have their several names, and so have the drugs that are proper for them; and with these our female Yahoos<\/i> are always infested.<\/p>\n \u201cOne great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics, wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death, which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they have pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world, by a seasonable dose.<\/p>\n \u201cThey are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of state, and often to princes.\u201d<\/p>\n I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the nature of government in general, and particularly of our own excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole world.\u00a0 But having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state, he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, \u201cwhat species of Yahoo<\/i> I particularly meant by that appellation.\u201d<\/p>\n I told him, \u201cthat a first or chief minister of state, who was the person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the indication of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an intent that you should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a design that you should take it for a truth; that those he speaks worst of behind their backs are in the surest way of preferment; and whenever he begins to praise you to others, or to yourself, you are from that day forlorn.\u00a0 The worst mark you can receive is a promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which, every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.<\/p>\n \u201cThere are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief minister.\u00a0 The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal, in public assemblies, against the corruption\u2019s of the court.\u00a0 But a wise prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the last of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their master.\u00a0 That these ministers, having all employments at their disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an act of indemnity\u201d (whereof I described the nature to him), \u201cthey secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the public laden with the spoils of the nation.<\/p>\n \u201cThe palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence, lying, and bribery.\u00a0 Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be successors to their lord.<\/p>\n \u201cHe is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman, who are the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may properly be called, in the last resort, the governors of the kingdom.\u201d<\/p>\n One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I could not pretend to deserve: \u201cthat he was sure I must have been born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, colour, and cleanliness, all the Yahoos<\/i> of his nation, although I seemed to fail in strength and agility, which must be imputed to my different way of living from those other brutes; and besides I was not only endowed with the faculty of speech, but likewise with some rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all his acquaintance, I passed for a prodigy.\u201d<\/p>\n He made me observe, \u201cthat among the Houyhnhnms<\/i>, the white, the sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay, the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match out of their own race, which in that country would be reckoned monstrous and unnatural.\u201d<\/p>\n I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the same time, \u201cthat my birth was of the lower sort, having been born of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a different thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen are bred from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon as years will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract odious diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are almost ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, disagreeable person, and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of money), whom they hate and despise.\u00a0 That the productions of such marriages are generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by which means the family seldom continues above three generations, unless the wife takes care to provide a healthy father, among her neighbours or domestics, in order to improve and continue the breed.\u00a0 That a weak diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion, are the true marks of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance is so disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world concludes his real father to have been a groom or a coachman.\u00a0 The imperfections of his mind run parallel with those of his body, being a composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality, and pride.<\/p>\n \u201cWithout the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the decision of all our possessions, without appeal.\u201d <\/a>[514]<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\t\t\t <\/h3>\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\nThis eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org<\/strong>","rendered":"
CHAPTER IV.<\/h3>\n
CHAPTER V.<\/h3>\n
CHAPTER VI.<\/h3>\n
<\/h3>\n
Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t