Starting in childhood, girls and boys are generally socialized to belong to distinct cultures based on their gender and thus speak in ways particular to their own gender’s rules and norms (Fivush; Hohnson; Tannen). This pattern of gendered socialization continues throughout our lives. As a result, men and women often interpret the same conversation differently. Culturally diverse ways of speaking based on gender can cause miscommunication between members of each culture or speech community. These cultural differences are seen in the simple purpose of communication.

Although gender roles are changing and gender itself is becoming a more fluid concept, traditional roles still influence our communication behaviors. For those socialized to traditional female gender norms, an important use of communication is to create and foster relational connections with other people (Johnson; Stamou). In contrast, the goal of men’s communication is primarily to establish identity. This is accomplished by demonstrating independence and control and entertaining or performing for others.

Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics and the author of multiple books on gender and language, provides the following examples of differences in men’s and women’s communication:

• “Men engage in report talk, women in rapport talk.”
  • Report talk is used to demonstrate one’s knowledge and expertise.
  • Rapport talk is used to share and cultivate relationships.
• Women request; men direct.
  • For example, in communicating a request, a female manager might say: “Could you do this by 5 PM?” A male manager would typically phrase it: “This needs to be done by 5 PM.”
• Women are information focused; men are image focused.
  • For example, women are willing to ask questions to clarify understanding. Men tend to avoid asking clarifying questions in order to preserve their reputation.
• Empathy is not apology.
  • Women often use the phrase “I’m sorry” to express concern or empathy. Men tend to interpret this phrase as an acceptance of responsibility for the situation, which it is not.
• Women are judged by their appearance; men are judged by what they say and do.^[1]

As in all things, it’s important to remember that while these differences exist between groups, all individuals will fall somewhere along a spectrum of these tendencies. Additionally, you may run into men who demonstrate more “feminine” tendencies in their speech or vice versa.

Gender in the World

Traditional gender roles also influence how women are heard, as Tannen alluded to above. The Oxford Handbook of Leadership and Organization notes that the historical marginalization of women is still in practice today, with media coverage of women leaders often focusing on fashion sensibility rather than on the strength of their leadership. There is a “Catch-22” for women: “to be ‘too feminine’ is to risk being perceived as weak and emotional or as manipulative and devious when exercising leadership; to be ‘insufficiently feminine’ generally results in being labeled as masculine, abrasive or pushy.” ^[2]

Thus, gender not only impacts the language we use but the language used to describe us.

Although changing demographics and social trends have begun to erode the base of white male privilege, there are still strong cultural norms that resist this change in the status quo. Additionally, the composition of executive leadership still remains predominantly white male, and organizational culture and communications are largely designed to support that dominance. We see the legacy of that dysfunction in a variety of modes, from pussy hats (originating from the Pussyhat Project) to the #metoo movement.

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