{"id":372,"date":"2015-08-05T23:31:59","date_gmt":"2015-08-05T23:31:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.candelalearning.com\/americanlit2x22x1\/?post_type=chapter&p=372"},"modified":"2015-08-05T23:32:31","modified_gmt":"2015-08-05T23:32:31","slug":"reformers-a-hymn-of-hate","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-americanlit2\/chapter\/reformers-a-hymn-of-hate\/","title":{"raw":"Reformers: A Hymn of Hate","rendered":"Reformers: A Hymn of Hate"},"content":{"raw":"

by Dorothy Parker<\/em><\/p>\r\nI hate Reformers;\r\nThey raise my blood pressure.\r\n\r\nThere are the Prohibitionists;\r\nThe Fathers of Bootlegging.\r\nThey made us what we are to-day\u2014\r\nI hope they're satisfied.\r\nThey can prove that the Johnstown flood,\r\nAnd the blizzard of 1888,\r\nAnd the destruction of Pompeii\r\nWere all due to alcohol.\r\nThey have it figured out\r\nThat anyone who would give a gin daisy a friendly look\r\nIs just wasting time out of jail,\r\nAnd anyone who would stay under the same roof\r\nWith a bottle of Scotch\r\nIs right in line for a cozy seat in the electric chair.\r\nThey fixed things all up pretty for us;\r\nNow that they have dried up the country,\r\nYou can hardly get a drink unless you go in and order one.\r\nThey are in a nasty state over this light wines and beer idea;\r\nThey say that lips that touch liquor\r\nShall never touch wine.\r\nThey swear that the Eighteenth Amendment\r\nShall be improved upon\r\n\r\nOver their dead bodies\u2014\r\nFair enough!\r\nThen there are the Suppressors of Vice;\r\nThe Boys Who Made the Name of Cabell a Household Word.\r\nTheir aim is to keep art and letters in their place;\r\nIf they see a book\r\nWhich does not come right out and say\r\nThat the doctor brings babies in his little black bag,\r\nOr find a painting of a young lady\r\nShowing her without her rubbers,\r\nThey call out the militia.\r\nThey have a mean eye for dirt;\r\nThey can find it\r\nIn a copy of \"What Katy Did at School,\"\r\nOr a snapshot of Aunt Bessie in bathing at Sandy Creek,\r\nOr a picture postcard of Moonlight in Bryant Park.\r\nThey are always running around suppressing things,\r\nBeginning with their desires.\r\nThey get a lot of excitement out of life,\u2014\r\nThey are constantly discovering\r\nThe New Rabelais\r\nOr the Twentieth Century Hogarth.\r\nTheir leader is regarded\r\nAs the representative of Comstock here on earth.\r\nHow does that song of Tosti's go?\u2014\r\n\"Good-bye, Sumner, good-bye, good-bye.\"\r\n\r\nThere are the Movie Censors,\r\nThe motion picture is still in its infancy,\u2014\r\nThey are the boys who keep it there.\r\nIf the film shows a party of clubmen tossing off ginger ale,\r\nOr a young bride dreaming over tiny garments,\r\nOr Douglas Fairbanks kissing Mary Pickford's hand,\r\nThey cut out the scene\r\nAnd burn it in the public square.\r\nThey fix up all the historical events\r\nSo that their own mothers wouldn't know them.\r\nThey make Du Barry Mrs. Louis Fifteenth,\r\nAnd show that Anthony and Cleopatra were like brother and sister,\r\nAnd announce Salome's engagement to John the Baptist,\r\nSo that the audiences won't go and get ideas in their heads.\r\nThey insist that Sherlock Holmes is made to say,\r\n\"Quick, Watson, the crochet needle!\"\r\nAnd the state pays them for it.\r\nThey say they are going to take the sin out of cinema\r\nIf they perish in the attempt,\u2014\r\nI wish to God they would!\r\nAnd then there are the All-American Crabs;\r\nThe Brave Little Band that is Against Everything.\r\nThey have got up the idea\r\nThat things are not what they were when Grandma was a girl.\r\nThey say that they don't know what we're coming to,\r\nAs if they had just written the line.\r\nThey are always running a temperature\r\nOver the modern dances,\r\nOr the new skirts,\r\nOr the goings-on of the younger set.\r\nThey can barely hold themselves in\r\nWhen they think of the menace of the drama;\r\nThey seem to be going ahead under the idea\r\nThat everything but the Passion Play\r\nWas written by Avery Hopwood.\r\nThey will never feel really themselves\r\nUntil every theatre in the country is razed.\r\nThey are forever signing petitions\r\nUrging that cigarette-smokers should be deported,\r\nAnd that all places of amusement should be closed on Sunday\r\nAnd kept closed all week.\r\nThey take everything personally;\r\nThey go about shaking their heads,\r\nAnd sighing, \"It's all wrong, it's all wrong,\"\u2014\r\nThey said it.\r\n\r\nI hate Reformers;\r\nThey raise my blood pressure.","rendered":"

by Dorothy Parker<\/em><\/p>\n

I hate Reformers;
\nThey raise my blood pressure.<\/p>\n

There are the Prohibitionists;
\nThe Fathers of Bootlegging.
\nThey made us what we are to-day\u2014
\nI hope they’re satisfied.
\nThey can prove that the Johnstown flood,
\nAnd the blizzard of 1888,
\nAnd the destruction of Pompeii
\nWere all due to alcohol.
\nThey have it figured out
\nThat anyone who would give a gin daisy a friendly look
\nIs just wasting time out of jail,
\nAnd anyone who would stay under the same roof
\nWith a bottle of Scotch
\nIs right in line for a cozy seat in the electric chair.
\nThey fixed things all up pretty for us;
\nNow that they have dried up the country,
\nYou can hardly get a drink unless you go in and order one.
\nThey are in a nasty state over this light wines and beer idea;
\nThey say that lips that touch liquor
\nShall never touch wine.
\nThey swear that the Eighteenth Amendment
\nShall be improved upon<\/p>\n

Over their dead bodies\u2014
\nFair enough!
\nThen there are the Suppressors of Vice;
\nThe Boys Who Made the Name of Cabell a Household Word.
\nTheir aim is to keep art and letters in their place;
\nIf they see a book
\nWhich does not come right out and say
\nThat the doctor brings babies in his little black bag,
\nOr find a painting of a young lady
\nShowing her without her rubbers,
\nThey call out the militia.
\nThey have a mean eye for dirt;
\nThey can find it
\nIn a copy of “What Katy Did at School,”
\nOr a snapshot of Aunt Bessie in bathing at Sandy Creek,
\nOr a picture postcard of Moonlight in Bryant Park.
\nThey are always running around suppressing things,
\nBeginning with their desires.
\nThey get a lot of excitement out of life,\u2014
\nThey are constantly discovering
\nThe New Rabelais
\nOr the Twentieth Century Hogarth.
\nTheir leader is regarded
\nAs the representative of Comstock here on earth.
\nHow does that song of Tosti’s go?\u2014
\n“Good-bye, Sumner, good-bye, good-bye.”<\/p>\n

There are the Movie Censors,
\nThe motion picture is still in its infancy,\u2014
\nThey are the boys who keep it there.
\nIf the film shows a party of clubmen tossing off ginger ale,
\nOr a young bride dreaming over tiny garments,
\nOr Douglas Fairbanks kissing Mary Pickford’s hand,
\nThey cut out the scene
\nAnd burn it in the public square.
\nThey fix up all the historical events
\nSo that their own mothers wouldn’t know them.
\nThey make Du Barry Mrs. Louis Fifteenth,
\nAnd show that Anthony and Cleopatra were like brother and sister,
\nAnd announce Salome’s engagement to John the Baptist,
\nSo that the audiences won’t go and get ideas in their heads.
\nThey insist that Sherlock Holmes is made to say,
\n“Quick, Watson, the crochet needle!”
\nAnd the state pays them for it.
\nThey say they are going to take the sin out of cinema
\nIf they perish in the attempt,\u2014
\nI wish to God they would!
\nAnd then there are the All-American Crabs;
\nThe Brave Little Band that is Against Everything.
\nThey have got up the idea
\nThat things are not what they were when Grandma was a girl.
\nThey say that they don’t know what we’re coming to,
\nAs if they had just written the line.
\nThey are always running a temperature
\nOver the modern dances,
\nOr the new skirts,
\nOr the goings-on of the younger set.
\nThey can barely hold themselves in
\nWhen they think of the menace of the drama;
\nThey seem to be going ahead under the idea
\nThat everything but the Passion Play
\nWas written by Avery Hopwood.
\nThey will never feel really themselves
\nUntil every theatre in the country is razed.
\nThey are forever signing petitions
\nUrging that cigarette-smokers should be deported,
\nAnd that all places of amusement should be closed on Sunday
\nAnd kept closed all week.
\nThey take everything personally;
\nThey go about shaking their heads,
\nAnd sighing, “It’s all wrong, it’s all wrong,”\u2014
\nThey said it.<\/p>\n

I hate Reformers;
\nThey raise my blood pressure.<\/p>\n\n\t\t\t

\n\t\t\t

Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t
\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
Public domain content<\/div>