{"id":269,"date":"2016-10-20T20:16:09","date_gmt":"2016-10-20T20:16:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/ivytech-engl206-master\/?post_type=chapter&p=269"},"modified":"2020-01-28T22:28:16","modified_gmt":"2020-01-28T22:28:16","slug":"the-importance-of-being-earnest-by-oscar-wilde-act-i","status":"web-only","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-eng-102-college-writing-ii\/chapter\/the-importance-of-being-earnest-by-oscar-wilde-act-i\/","title":{"raw":"Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895","rendered":"Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895"},"content":{"raw":"

The Importance of Being Earnest\r\nA Trivial Comedy for Serious People<\/h2>\r\n

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY<\/h3>\r\nJohn Worthing, J.P.\r\nAlgernon Moncrieff\r\nRev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.\r\nMerriman, Butler\r\nLane, Manservant\r\nLady Bracknell\r\nHon. Gwendolen Fairfax\r\nCecily Cardew\r\nMiss Prism, Governess\r\n

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY<\/h3>\r\nACT I.\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff\u2019s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.\r\n\r\nACT II.\u00a0 The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.\r\n\r\nACT III.\u00a0 Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.\r\n\r\nTIME: The Present.\r\n

FIRST ACT<\/h2>\r\n

SCENE<\/h3>\r\nMorning-room in Algernon\u2019s flat in Half-Moon Street.\u00a0 The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.\u00a0 The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.\r\n\r\n[Lane<\/b> is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon<\/b> enters.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think it polite to listen, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for that, for your sake.\u00a0 I don\u2019t play accurately\u2014any one can play accurately\u2014but I play with wonderful expression.\u00a0 As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.\u00a0 I keep science for Life.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Hands them on a salver.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]\u00a0 Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why is it that at a bachelor\u2019s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne?\u00a0 I ask merely for information.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.\u00a0 I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Is marriage so demoralising as that?\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 I believe it is<\/i> a very pleasant state, sir.\u00a0 I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present.\u00a0 I have only been married once.\u00a0 That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Languidly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject.\u00a0 I never think of it myself.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Very natural, I am sure.\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane\u2019s views on marriage seem somewhat lax.\u00a0 Really, if the lower orders don\u2019t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?\u00a0 They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.\r\n\r\n[Enter Lane<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing.\r\n\r\n[Enter Jack<\/b>.]\r\n\r\n[Lane<\/b> goes out.<\/i>]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How are you, my dear Ernest?\u00a0 What brings you up to town?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, pleasure, pleasure!\u00a0 What else should bring one anywhere?\u00a0 Eating as usual, I see, Algy!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stiffly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o\u2019clock.\u00a0 Where have you been since last Thursday?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down on the sofa.]\u00a0 In the country.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you do there?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pulling off his gloves.<\/i>]\u00a0 When one is in town one amuses oneself.\u00a0 When one is in the country one amuses other people.\u00a0 It is excessively boring.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And who are the people you amuse?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.<\/i>]\u00a0 Oh, neighbours, neighbours.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly horrid!\u00a0 Never speak to one of them.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How immensely you must amuse them!\u00a0 [Goes over and takes sandwich.]\u00a0 By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Eh?\u00a0 Shropshire?\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 Hallo!\u00a0 Why all these cups?\u00a0 Why cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?\u00a0 Who is coming to tea?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 How perfectly delightful!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won\u2019t quite approve of your being here.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask why?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful.\u00a0 It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am in love with Gwendolen.\u00a0 I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 How utterly unromantic you are!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see anything romantic in proposing.\u00a0 It is very romantic to be in love.\u00a0 But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.\u00a0 Why, one may be accepted.\u00a0 One usually is, I believe.\u00a0 Then the excitement is all over.\u00a0 The very essence of romance is uncertainty.\u00a0 If ever I get married, I\u2019ll certainly try to forget the fact.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have no doubt about that, dear Algy.\u00a0 The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject.\u00a0 Divorces are made in Heaven\u2014[Jack<\/b> puts out his hand to take a sandwich.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> at once interferes.]\u00a0 Please don\u2019t touch the cucumber sandwiches.\u00a0 They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Takes one and eats it.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you have been eating them all the time.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is quite a different matter.\u00a0 She is my aunt.\u00a0 [Takes plate from below.]\u00a0 Have some bread and butter.\u00a0 The bread and butter is for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to table and helping himself.]\u00a0 And very good bread and butter it is too.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all.\u00a0 You behave as if you were married to her already.\u00a0 You are not married to her already, and I don\u2019t think you ever will be.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth do you say that?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with.\u00a0 Girls don\u2019t think it right.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t.\u00a0 It is a great truth.\u00a0 It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.\u00a0 In the second place, I don\u2019t give my consent.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your consent!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin.\u00a0 And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.\u00a0 [Rings bell.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?\u00a0 What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know any one of the name of Cecily.\r\n\r\n[Enter Lane<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time?\u00a0 I wish to goodness you had let me know.\u00a0 I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it.\u00a0 I was very nearly offering a large reward.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I wish you would offer one.\u00a0 I happen to be more than usually hard up.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.\r\n\r\n[Enter Lane<\/b> with the cigarette case on a salver.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> takes it at once.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say.\u00a0 [Opens case and examines it.]\u00a0 However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn\u2019t yours after all.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it\u2019s mine.\u00a0 [Moving to him.]\u00a0 You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.\u00a0 It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn\u2019t read.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am quite aware of the fact, and I don\u2019t propose to discuss modern culture.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t the sort of thing one should talk of in private.\u00a0 I simply want my cigarette case back.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; but this isn\u2019t your cigarette case.\u00a0 This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn\u2019t know any one of that name.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your aunt!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Charming old lady she is, too.\u00a0 Lives at Tunbridge Wells.\u00a0 Just give it back to me, Algy.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Retreating to back of sofa.]\u00a0 But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?\u00a0 [Reading.]\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily with her fondest love.\u2019\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that?\u00a0 Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall.\u00a0 That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.\u00a0 You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt!\u00a0 That is absurd!\u00a0 For Heaven\u2019s sake give me back my cigarette case.\u00a0 [Follows Algernon<\/b> round the room.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But why does your aunt call you her uncle?\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.\u2019\u00a0 There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can\u2019t quite make out.\u00a0 Besides, your name isn\u2019t Jack at all; it is Ernest.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t Ernest; it\u2019s Jack.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have always told me it was Ernest.\u00a0 I have introduced you to every one as Ernest.\u00a0 You answer to the name of Ernest.\u00a0 You look as if your name was Ernest.\u00a0 You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life.\u00a0 It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn\u2019t Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s on your cards.\u00a0 Here is one of them.\u00a0 [Taking it from case.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.\u00a0 [Puts the card in his pocket.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle.\u00a0 Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist.\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn\u2019t a dentist.\u00a0 It produces a false impression.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.\u00a0 Now, go on!\u00a0 Tell me the whole thing.\u00a0 I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, produce my cigarette case first.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 [Hands cigarette case.]\u00a0 Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable.\u00a0 [Sits on sofa.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all.\u00a0 In fact it\u2019s perfectly ordinary.\u00a0 Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.\u00a0 Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Where is that place in the country, by the way?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nothing to you, dear boy.\u00a0 You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I suspected that, my dear fellow!\u00a0 I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions.\u00a0 Now, go on.\u00a0 Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, I don\u2019t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives.\u00a0 You are hardly serious enough.\u00a0 When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects.\u00a0 It\u2019s one\u2019s duty to do so.\u00a0 And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one\u2019s health or one\u2019s happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.\u00a0 That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The truth is rarely pure and never simple.\u00a0 Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That wouldn\u2019t be at all a bad thing.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try it.\u00a0 You should leave that to people who haven\u2019t been at a University.\u00a0 They do it so well in the daily papers.\u00a0 What you really are is a Bunburyist.\u00a0 I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist.\u00a0 You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like.\u00a0 I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose.\u00a0 Bunbury is perfectly invaluable.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t for Bunbury\u2019s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn\u2019t be able to dine with you at Willis\u2019s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.\u00a0 It is very foolish of you.\u00a0 Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one\u2019s own relations.\u00a0 In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two.\u00a0 In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night.\u00a0 She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table.\u00a0 That is not very pleasant.\u00a0 Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase.\u00a0 The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous.\u00a0 It looks so bad.\u00a0 It is simply washing one\u2019s clean linen in public.\u00a0 Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying.\u00a0 I want to tell you the rules.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m not a Bunburyist at all.\u00a0 If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I\u2019ll kill him in any case.\u00a0 Cecily is a little too much interested in him.\u00a0 It is rather a bore.\u00a0 So I am going to get rid of Ernest.\u00a0 And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury.\u00a0 A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nonsense.\u00a0 If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won\u2019t want to know Bunbury.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then your wife will.\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 For heaven\u2019s sake, don\u2019t try to be cynical.\u00a0 It\u2019s perfectly easy to be cynical.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, it isn\u2019t easy to be anything nowadays.\u00a0 There\u2019s such a lot of beastly competition about.\u00a0 [The sound of an electric bell is heard.]\u00a0 Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner.\u00a0 Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis\u2019s?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so, if you want to.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you must be serious about it.\u00a0 I hate people who are not serious about meals.\u00a0 It is so shallow of them.\r\n\r\n[Enter Lane<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\n[Algernon<\/b> goes forward to meet them.\u00a0 Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That\u2019s not quite the same thing.\u00a0 In fact the two things rarely go together.\u00a0 [Sees Jack<\/b> and bows to him with icy coldness.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear me, you are smart!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am always smart!\u00a0 Am I not, Mr. Worthing?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I hope I am not that.\u00a0 It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> and Jack<\/b> sit down together in the corner.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t been there since her poor husband\u2019s death.\u00a0 I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger.\u00a0 And now I\u2019ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Goes over to tea-table.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, mamma, I\u2019m quite comfortable where I am.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up empty plate in horror.]\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Lane!\u00a0 Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 I ordered them specially.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.\u00a0 I went down twice.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No cucumbers!\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir.\u00a0 Not even for ready money.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Goes out.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It really makes no matter, Algernon.\u00a0 I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It certainly has changed its colour.\u00a0 From what cause I, of course, cannot say.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> crosses and hands tea.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon.\u00a0 I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar.\u00a0 She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband.\u00a0 It\u2019s delightful to watch them.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Frowning.]\u00a0 I hope not, Algernon.\u00a0 It would put my table completely out.\u00a0 Your uncle would have to dine upstairs.\u00a0 Fortunately he is accustomed to that.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.\u00a0 [Exchanges glances with Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 They seem to think I should be with him.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is very strange.\u00a0 This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die.\u00a0 This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd.\u00a0 Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids.\u00a0 I consider it morbid.\u00a0 Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.\u00a0 Health is the primary duty of life.\u00a0 I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes.\u00a0 I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.\u00a0 It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he\u2019ll be all right by Saturday.\u00a0 Of course the music is a great difficulty.\u00a0 You see, if one plays good music, people don\u2019t listen, and if one plays bad music people don\u2019t talk.\u00a0 But I\u2019ll run over the programme I\u2019ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Algernon.\u00a0 It is very thoughtful of you.\u00a0 [Rising, and following Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations.\u00a0 French songs I cannot possibly allow.\u00a0 People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse.\u00a0 But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so.\u00a0 Gwendolen, you will accompany me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, mamma.\r\n\r\n[Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> go into the music-room, Gwendolen<\/b> remains behind.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray don\u2019t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else.\u00a0 And that makes me so nervous.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I do mean something else.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought so.\u00a0 In fact, I am never wrong.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell\u2019s temporary absence . . .\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I would certainly advise you to do so.\u00a0 Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Nervously.]\u00a0 Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact.\u00a0 And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative.\u00a0 For me you have always had an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals.\u00a0 The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest.\u00a0 There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence.\u00a0 The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You really love me, Gwendolen?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Passionately!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 You don\u2019t know how happy you\u2019ve made me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My own Ernest!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 But you don\u2019t really mean to say that you couldn\u2019t love me if my name wasn\u2019t Ernest?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But your name is Ernest.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I know it is.\u00a0 But supposing it was something else?\u00a0 Do you mean to say you couldn\u2019t love me then?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glibly.]\u00a0 Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don\u2019t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don\u2019t think the name suits me at all.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 It suits you perfectly.\u00a0 It is a divine name.\u00a0 It has a music of its own.\u00a0 It produces vibrations.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names.\u00a0 I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed.\u00a0 It does not thrill.\u00a0 It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain.\u00a0 Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John!\u00a0 And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John.\u00a0 She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment\u2019s solitude.\u00a0 The only really safe name is Ernest.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, I must get christened at once\u2014I mean we must get married at once.\u00a0 There is no time to be lost.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Married, Mr. Worthing?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Astounded.]\u00a0 Well . . . surely.\u00a0 You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I adore you.\u00a0 But you haven\u2019t proposed to me yet.\u00a0 Nothing has been said at all about marriage.\u00a0 The subject has not even been touched on.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well . . . may I propose to you now?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it would be an admirable opportunity.\u00a0 And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You know what I have got to say to you.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you don\u2019t say it.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, will you marry me?\u00a0 [Goes on his knees.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I will, darling.\u00a0 How long you have been about it!\u00a0 I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but men often propose for practice.\u00a0 I know my brother Gerald does.\u00a0 All my girl-friends tell me so.\u00a0 What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest!\u00a0 They are quite, quite, blue.\u00a0 I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.\u00a0 [Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.\u00a0 It is most indecorous.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mamma!\u00a0 [He tries to rise; she restrains him.]\u00a0 I must beg you to retire.\u00a0 This is no place for you.\u00a0 Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Finished what, may I ask?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\u00a0 [They rise together.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one.\u00a0 When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact.\u00a0 An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be.\u00a0 It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Reproachfully.]\u00a0 Mamma!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In the carriage, Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> goes to the door.\u00a0 She and Jack<\/b> blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell\u2019s<\/b> back.\u00a0 Lady Bracknell<\/b> looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was.\u00a0 Finally turns round.]\u00a0 Gwendolen, the carriage!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, mamma.\u00a0 [Goes out, looking back at Jack<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down.]\u00a0 You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.\r\n\r\n[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pencil and note-book in hand.]\u00a0 I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has.\u00a0 We work together, in fact.\u00a0 However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires.\u00a0 Do you smoke?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.\u00a0 A man should always have an occupation of some kind.\u00a0 There are far too many idle men in London as it is.\u00a0 How old are you?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Twenty-nine.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A very good age to be married at.\u00a0 I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.\u00a0 Which do you know?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After some hesitation.]\u00a0 I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am pleased to hear it.\u00a0 I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance.\u00a0 Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.\u00a0 The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.\u00a0 Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.\u00a0 If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.\u00a0 What is your income?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Between seven and eight thousand a year.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Makes a note in her book.]\u00a0 In land, or in investments?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 In investments, chiefly.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is satisfactory.\u00a0 What between the duties expected of one during one\u2019s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one\u2019s death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure.\u00a0 It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up.\u00a0 That\u2019s all that can be said about land.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don\u2019t depend on that for my real income.\u00a0 In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A country house!\u00a0 How many bedrooms?\u00a0 Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards.\u00a0 You have a town house, I hope?\u00a0 A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham.\u00a0 Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months\u2019 notice.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bloxham?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know her.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, she goes about very little.\u00a0 She is a lady considerably advanced in years.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character.\u00a0 What number in Belgrave Square?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 149.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 The unfashionable side.\u00a0 I thought there was something.\u00a0 However, that could easily be altered.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean the fashion, or the side?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly.]\u00a0 Both, if necessary, I presume.\u00a0 What are your politics?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am afraid I really have none.\u00a0 I am a Liberal Unionist.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, they count as Tories.\u00a0 They dine with us.\u00a0 Or come in the evening, at any rate.\u00a0 Now to minor matters.\u00a0 Are your parents living?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have lost both my parents.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.\u00a0 Who was your father?\u00a0 He was evidently a man of some wealth.\u00a0 Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I really don\u2019t know.\u00a0 The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.\u00a0 It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don\u2019t actually know who I am by birth.\u00a0 I was . . . well, I was found.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Found!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.\u00a0 Worthing is a place in Sussex.\u00a0 It is a seaside resort.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 In a hand-bag.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A hand-bag?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very seriously.]\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I was in a hand-bag\u2014a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it\u2014an ordinary hand-bag in fact.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 In the cloak-room at Victoria Station.\u00a0 It was given to him in mistake for his own.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The cloak-room at Victoria Station?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The Brighton line.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The line is immaterial.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me.\u00a0 To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution.\u00a0 And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?\u00a0 As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion\u2014has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now\u2014but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask you then what you would advise me to do?\u00a0 I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen\u2019s happiness.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t see how I could possibly manage to do that.\u00a0 I can produce the hand-bag at any moment.\u00a0 It is in my dressing-room at home.\u00a0 I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Me, sir!\u00a0 What has it to do with me?\u00a0 You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter\u2014a girl brought up with the utmost care\u2014to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel?\u00a0 Good morning, Mr. Worthing!\r\n\r\n[Lady Bracknell<\/b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good morning!\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b>, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March.\u00a0 Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.]\u00a0 For goodness\u2019 sake don\u2019t play that ghastly tune, Algy.\u00a0 How idiotic you are!\r\n\r\n[The music stops and Algernon<\/b> enters cheerily.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Didn\u2019t it go off all right, old boy?\u00a0 You don\u2019t mean to say Gwendolen refused you?\u00a0 I know it is a way she has.\u00a0 She is always refusing people.\u00a0 I think it is most ill-natured of her.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet.\u00a0 As far as she is concerned, we are engaged.\u00a0 Her mother is perfectly unbearable.\u00a0 Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don\u2019t really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one.\u00a0 In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn\u2019t talk about your own aunt in that way before you.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.\u00a0 It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.\u00a0 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven\u2019t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t argue about the matter.\u00a0 You always want to argue about things.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is exactly what things were originally made for.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon my word, if I thought that, I\u2019d shoot myself . . . [A pause.]\u00a0 You don\u2019t think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 All women become like their mothers.\u00a0 That is their tragedy.\u00a0 No man does.\u00a0 That\u2019s his.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Is that clever?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sick to death of cleverness.\u00a0 Everybody is clever nowadays.\u00a0 You can\u2019t go anywhere without meeting clever people.\u00a0 The thing has become an absolute public nuisance.\u00a0 I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 We have.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I should extremely like to meet them.\u00a0 What do they talk about?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The fools?\u00a0 Oh! about the clever people, of course.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What fools!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a very patronising manner.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, the truth isn\u2019t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl.\u00a0 What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What about your brother?\u00a0 What about the profligate Ernest?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy.\u00a0 Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don\u2019t they?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s hereditary, my dear fellow.\u00a0 It\u2019s a sort of thing that runs in families.\u00a0 You had much better say a severe chill.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are sure a severe chill isn\u2019t hereditary, or anything of that kind?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it isn\u2019t!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Very well, then.\u00a0 My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill.\u00a0 That gets rid of him.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest?\u00a0 Won\u2019t she feel his loss a good deal?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is all right.\u00a0 Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say.\u00a0 She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I would rather like to see Cecily.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I will take very good care you never do.\u00a0 She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! one doesn\u2019t blurt these things out to people.\u00a0 Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.\u00a0 I\u2019ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.\u00a0 Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis\u2019s, we really must go and dress.\u00a0 Do you know it is nearly seven?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It always is nearly seven.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m hungry.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I never knew you when you weren\u2019t . . .\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What shall we do after dinner?\u00a0 Go to a theatre?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I loathe listening.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, let us go to the Club?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate talking.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I can\u2019t bear looking at things.\u00a0 It is so silly.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, what shall we do?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is awfully hard work doing nothing.\u00a0 However, I don\u2019t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.\r\n\r\n[Enter Lane<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\n[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, upon my word!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, kindly turn your back.\u00a0 I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Really, Gwendolen, I don\u2019t think I can allow this at all.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.\u00a0 You are not quite old enough to do that.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> retires to the fireplace.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own darling!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest, we may never be married.\u00a0 From the expression on mamma\u2019s face I fear we never shall.\u00a0 Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.\u00a0 The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.\u00a0 Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.\u00a0 But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature.\u00a0 Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.\u00a0 Your town address at the Albany I have.\u00a0 What is your address in the country?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.\r\n\r\n[Algernon<\/b>, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff.\u00a0 Then picks up the Railway Guide.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 There is a good postal service, I suppose?\u00a0 It may be necessary to do something desperate.\u00a0 That of course will require serious consideration.\u00a0 I will communicate with you daily.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How long do you remain in town?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Till Monday.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Good!\u00a0 Algy, you may turn round now.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, I\u2019ve turned round already.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also ring the bell.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Lane<\/b>, who now enters.]\u00a0 I will see Miss Fairfax out.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> go off.]\r\n\r\n[Lane<\/b> presents several letters on a salver to Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon<\/b>, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 A glass of sherry, Lane.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 To-morrow, Lane, I\u2019m going Bunburying.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shall probably not be back till Monday.\u00a0 You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . .\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Handing sherry.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 It never is, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane, you\u2019re a perfect pessimist.\r\n\r\nLane.<\/b>\u00a0 I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.\r\n\r\n[Enter Jack<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes off.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 There\u2019s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is laughing immoderately.]\u00a0 What on earth are you so amused at?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 If you don\u2019t take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I love scrapes.\u00a0 They are the only things that are never serious.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that\u2019s nonsense, Algy.\u00a0 You never talk anything but nonsense.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nobody ever does.\r\n\r\n[Jack<\/b> looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]\r\n\r\nACT DROP\r\n

SECOND ACT<\/h2>\r\n

SCENE<\/h3>\r\nGarden at the Manor House.\u00a0 A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house.\u00a0 The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses.\u00a0 Time of year, July.\u00a0 Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree.\r\n\r\n[Miss Prism<\/b> discovered seated at the table.\u00a0 Cecily<\/b> is at the back watering flowers.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calling.]\u00a0 Cecily, Cecily!\u00a0 Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton\u2019s duty than yours?\u00a0 Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you.\u00a0 Your German grammar is on the table.\u00a0 Pray open it at page fifteen.\u00a0 We will repeat yesterday\u2019s lesson.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Coming over very slowly.]\u00a0 But I don\u2019t like German.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t at all a becoming language.\u00a0 I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way.\u00a0 He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday.\u00a0 Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious!\u00a0 Sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Drawing herself up.]\u00a0 Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is.\u00a0 I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 I am surprised at you.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life.\u00a0 Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation.\u00a0 You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes.\u00a0 We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism.\u00a0 I am sure you certainly would.\u00a0 You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> begins to write in her diary.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother\u2019s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating.\u00a0 Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him.\u00a0 I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment\u2019s notice.\u00a0 As a man sows so let him reap.\u00a0 You must put away your diary, Cecily.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see why you should keep a diary at all.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life.\u00a0 If I didn\u2019t write them down, I should probably forget all about them.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn\u2019t possibly have happened.\u00a0 I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily.\u00a0 I wrote one myself in earlier days.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you really, Miss Prism?\u00a0 How wonderfully clever you are!\u00a0 I hope it did not end happily?\u00a0 I don\u2019t like novels that end happily.\u00a0 They depress me so much.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily.\u00a0 That is what Fiction means.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so.\u00a0 But it seems very unfair.\u00a0 And was your novel ever published?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Alas! no.\u00a0 The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> starts.]\u00a0 I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid.\u00a0 To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Smiling.]\u00a0 But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and advancing.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble!\u00a0 This is indeed a pleasure.\r\n\r\n[Enter Canon Chasuble<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 And how are we this morning?\u00a0 Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache.\u00a0 I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache.\u00a0 Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I am afraid I am.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 That is strange.\u00a0 Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism\u2019s pupil, I would hang upon her lips.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> glares.]\u00a0 I spoke metaphorically.\u2014My metaphor was drawn from bees.\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London.\u00a0 He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be.\u00a0 But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Egeria?\u00a0 My name is L\u00e6titia, Doctor.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Bowing.]\u00a0 A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors.\u00a0 I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you.\u00a0 I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure.\u00a0 We might go as far as the schools and back.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 That would be delightful.\u00a0 Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence.\u00a0 The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit.\u00a0 It is somewhat too sensational.\u00a0 Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.\r\n\r\n[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picks up books and throws them back on table.]\u00a0 Horrid Political Economy!\u00a0 Horrid Geography!\u00a0 Horrid, horrid German!\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b> with a card on a salver.]\r\n\r\nMerriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station.\u00a0 He has brought his luggage with him.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Takes the card and reads it.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.\u2019\u00a0 Uncle Jack\u2019s brother!\u00a0 Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?\r\n\r\nMerriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 He seemed very much disappointed.\u00a0 I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden.\u00a0 He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here.\u00a0 I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.\r\n\r\nMerriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\r\n\r\n[Merriman<\/b> goes off.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I have never met any really wicked person before.\u00a0 I feel rather frightened.\u00a0 I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.\r\n\r\n[Enter Algernon<\/b>, very gay and debonnair.]\u00a0 He does!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Raising his hat.]\u00a0 You are my little cousin Cecily, I\u2019m sure.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You are under some strange mistake.\u00a0 I am not little.\u00a0 In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is rather taken aback.]\u00a0 But I am your cousin Cecily.\u00a0 You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack\u2019s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily.\u00a0 You mustn\u2019t think that I am wicked.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner.\u00a0 I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time.\u00a0 That would be hypocrisy.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 Of course I have been rather reckless.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is much pleasanter being here with you.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I can\u2019t understand how you are here at all.\u00a0 Uncle Jack won\u2019t be back till Monday afternoon.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is a great disappointment.\u00a0 I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning.\u00a0 I have a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you miss it anywhere but in London?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No: the appointment is in London.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives.\u00a0 I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 About my what?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Your emigrating.\u00a0 He has gone up to buy your outfit.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly wouldn\u2019t let Jack buy my outfit.\u00a0 He has no taste in neckties at all.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think you will require neckties.\u00a0 Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Australia!\u00a0 I\u2019d sooner die.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, well!\u00a0 The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging.\u00a0 This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but are you good enough for it?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not that.\u00a0 That is why I want you to reform me.\u00a0 You might make that your mission, if you don\u2019t mind, cousin Cecily.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve no time, this afternoon.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is rather Quixotic of you.\u00a0 But I think you should try.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 I feel better already.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You are looking a little worse.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is because I am hungry.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 How thoughtless of me.\u00a0 I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals.\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come in?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 Might I have a buttonhole first?\u00a0 I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A Marechal Niel?\u00a0 [Picks up scissors.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No, I\u2019d sooner have a pink rose.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 [Cuts a flower.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think it can be right for you to talk to me like that.\u00a0 Miss Prism never says such things to me.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> puts the rose in his buttonhole.]\u00a0 You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I don\u2019t think I would care to catch a sensible man.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t know what to talk to him about.\r\n\r\n[They pass into the house.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> and Dr. Chasuble<\/b> return.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 You should get married.\u00a0 A misanthrope I can understand\u2014a womanthrope, never!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a scholar\u2019s shudder.]\u00a0 Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase.\u00a0 The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day.\u00a0 And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.\u00a0 Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But is a man not equally attractive when married?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 And often, I\u2019ve been told, not even to her.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman.\u00a0 Maturity can always be depended on.\u00a0 Ripeness can be trusted.\u00a0 Young women are green.\u00a0 [Dr. Chasuble<\/b> starts.]\u00a0 I spoke horticulturally.\u00a0 My metaphor was drawn from fruits.\u00a0 But where is Cecily?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Perhaps she followed us to the schools.\r\n\r\n[Enter Jack<\/b> slowly from the back of the garden.\u00a0 He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 This is indeed a surprise.\u00a0 We did not look for you till Monday afternoon.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shakes Miss Prism\u2019s<\/b> hand in a tragic manner.]\u00a0 I have returned sooner than I expected.\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My brother.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 More shameful debts and extravagance?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Still leading his life of pleasure?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking his head.]\u00a0 Dead!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother Ernest dead?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite dead.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 What a lesson for him!\u00a0 I trust he will profit by it.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence.\u00a0 You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Poor Ernest!\u00a0 He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Very sad indeed.\u00a0 Were you with him at the end?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He died abroad; in Paris, in fact.\u00a0 I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Was the cause of death mentioned?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 A severe chill, it seems.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 As a man sows, so shall he reap.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Raising his hand.]\u00a0 Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity!\u00a0 None of us are perfect.\u00a0 I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts.\u00a0 Will the interment take place here?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 In Paris!\u00a0 [Shakes his head.]\u00a0 I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last.\u00a0 You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> presses his hand convulsively.]\u00a0 My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present case, distressing.\u00a0 [All sigh.]\u00a0 I have preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days.\u00a0 The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders.\u00a0 The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble?\u00a0 I suppose you know how to christen all right?\u00a0 [Dr. Chasuble<\/b> looks astounded.]\u00a0 I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren\u2019t you?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector\u2019s most constant duties in this parish.\u00a0 I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject.\u00a0 But they don\u2019t seem to know what thrift is.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr. Worthing?\u00a0 Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh yes.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Bitterly.]\u00a0 People who live entirely for pleasure usually are.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 But it is not for any child, dear Doctor.\u00a0 I am very fond of children.\u00a0 No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember anything about it.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But have you any grave doubts on the subject?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly intend to have.\u00a0 Of course I don\u2019t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Not at all.\u00a0 The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Immersion!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 You need have no apprehensions.\u00a0 Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable.\u00a0 Our weather is so changeable.\u00a0 At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly, perfectly!\u00a0 In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time.\u00a0 A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate.\u00a0 Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I don\u2019t see much fun in being christened along with other babies.\u00a0 It would be childish.\u00a0 Would half-past five do?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Admirably!\u00a0 Admirably!\u00a0 [Takes out watch.]\u00a0 And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow.\u00a0 I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief.\u00a0 What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.\r\n\r\n[Enter Cecily<\/b> from the house.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack!\u00a0 Oh, I am pleased to see you back.\u00a0 But what horrid clothes you have got on!\u00a0 Do go and change them.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 My child! my child!\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes towards Jack<\/b>; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What is the matter, Uncle Jack?\u00a0 Do look happy!\u00a0 You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you.\u00a0 Who do you think is in the dining-room?\u00a0 Your brother!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Who?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother Ernest.\u00a0 He arrived about half an hour ago.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What nonsense!\u00a0 I haven\u2019t got a brother.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, don\u2019t say that.\u00a0 However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t be so heartless as to disown him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll tell him to come out.\u00a0 And you will shake hands with him, won\u2019t you, Uncle Jack?\u00a0 [Runs back into the house.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 These are very joyful tidings.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My brother is in the dining-room?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what it all means.\u00a0 I think it is perfectly absurd.\r\n\r\n[Enter Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> hand in hand.\u00a0 They come slowly up to Jack<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 [Motions Algernon<\/b> away.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> glares at him and does not take his hand.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother\u2019s hand?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to take his hand.\u00a0 I think his coming down here disgraceful.\u00a0 He knows perfectly well why.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, do be nice.\u00a0 There is some good in every one.\u00a0 Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often.\u00a0 And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury!\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else.\u00a0 It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side.\u00a0 But I must say that I think that Brother John\u2019s coldness to me is peculiarly painful.\u00a0 I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, if you don\u2019t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Never forgive me?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Never, never, never!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it.\u00a0 [Shakes with Algernon<\/b> and glares.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 It\u2019s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation?\u00a0 I think we might leave the two brothers together.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you will come with us.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Miss Prism.\u00a0 My little task of reconciliation is over.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 We must not be premature in our judgments.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I feel very happy.\u00a0 [They all go off except Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible.\u00a0 I don\u2019t allow any Bunburying here.\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nMerriman<\/b>.\u00a0 I have put Mr. Ernest\u2019s things in the room next to yours, sir.\u00a0 I suppose that is all right?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What?\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest\u2019s luggage, sir.\u00a0 I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 His luggage?\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I can\u2019t stay more than a week this time.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Merriman, order the dog-cart at once.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town.\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Goes back into the house.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What a fearful liar you are, Jack.\u00a0 I have not been called back to town at all.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, you have.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t heard any one call me.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I can quite understand that.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, Cecily is a darling.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like it.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t like your clothes.\u00a0 You look perfectly ridiculous in them.\u00a0 Why on earth don\u2019t you go up and change?\u00a0 It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest.\u00a0 I call it grotesque.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else.\u00a0 You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly won\u2019t leave you so long as you are in mourning.\u00a0 It would be most unfriendly.\u00a0 If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose.\u00a0 I should think it very unkind if you didn\u2019t.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, will you go if I change my clothes?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, if you are not too long.\u00a0 I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd.\u00a0 However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town.\u00a0 This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you.\r\n\r\n[Goes into the house.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it has been a great success.\u00a0 I\u2019m in love with Cecily, and that is everything.\r\n\r\n[Enter Cecily<\/b> at the back of the garden.\u00a0 She picks up the can and begins to water the flowers.]\u00a0 But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury.\u00a0 Ah, there she is.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I merely came back to water the roses.\u00a0 I thought you were with Uncle Jack.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 He\u2019s gone to order the dog-cart for me.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 He\u2019s going to send me away.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Then have we got to part?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid so.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very painful parting.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time.\u00a0 The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity.\u00a0 But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 The dog-cart is at the door, sir.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> looks appealingly at Cecily<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes.\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 [Exit Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest.\u00a0 If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary.\u00a0 [Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you really keep a diary?\u00a0 I\u2019d give anything to look at it.\u00a0 May I?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no.\u00a0 [Puts her hand over it.]\u00a0 You see, it is simply a very young girl\u2019s record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication.\u00a0 When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy.\u00a0 But pray, Ernest, don\u2019t stop.\u00a0 I delight in taking down from dictation.\u00a0 I have reached \u2018absolute perfection\u2019.\u00a0 You can go on.\u00a0 I am quite ready for more.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat taken aback.]\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, don\u2019t cough, Ernest.\u00a0 When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough.\u00a0 Besides, I don\u2019t know how to spell a cough.\u00a0 [Writes as Algernon<\/b> speaks.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Speaking very rapidly.]\u00a0 Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.\u00a0 Hopelessly doesn\u2019t seem to make much sense, does it?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 The dog-cart is waiting, sir.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour.\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looks at Cecily<\/b>, who makes no sign.]\u00a0 Yes, sir.\r\n\r\n[Merriman<\/b> retires.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I don\u2019t care about Jack.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care for anybody in the whole world but you.\u00a0 I love you, Cecily.\u00a0 You will marry me, won\u2019t you?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You silly boy!\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 Why, we have been engaged for the last three months.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 For the last three months?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But how did we become engaged?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism.\u00a0 And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive.\u00a0 One feels there must be something in him, after all.\u00a0 I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 And when was the engagement actually settled?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 On the 14th of February last.\u00a0 Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here.\u00a0 The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true lover\u2019s knot I promised you always to wear.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did I give you this?\u00a0 It\u2019s very pretty, isn\u2019t it?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, you\u2019ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s the excuse I\u2019ve always given for your leading such a bad life.\u00a0 And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters.\u00a0 [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My letters!\u00a0 But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest.\u00a0 I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you.\u00a0 I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I couldn\u2019t possibly.\u00a0 They would make you far too conceited.\u00a0 [Replaces box.]\u00a0 The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But was our engagement ever broken off?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it was.\u00a0 On the 22nd of last March.\u00a0 You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.]\u00a0 \u2018To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest.\u00a0 I feel it is better to do so.\u00a0 The weather still continues charming.\u2019\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But why on earth did you break it off?\u00a0 What had I done?\u00a0 I had done nothing at all.\u00a0 Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off.\u00a0 Particularly when the weather was so charming.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn\u2019t been broken off at least once.\u00a0 But I forgave you before the week was out.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Crossing to her, and kneeling.]\u00a0 What a perfect angel you are, Cecily.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You dear romantic boy.\u00a0 [He kisses her, she puts her fingers through his hair.]\u00a0 I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, darling, with a little help from others.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am so glad.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019ll never break off our engagement again, Cecily?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I could break it off now that I have actually met you.\u00a0 Besides, of course, there is the question of your name.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 [Nervously.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> rises, Cecily<\/b> also.]\u00a0 There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence.\u00a0 I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But what name?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, any name you like\u2014Algernon\u2014for instance . . .\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I don\u2019t like the name of Algernon.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can\u2019t see why you should object to the name of Algernon.\u00a0 It is not at all a bad name.\u00a0 In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name.\u00a0 Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon.\u00a0 But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . . . if my name was Algy, couldn\u2019t you love me?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Picking up hat.]\u00a0 Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man.\u00a0 He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I must see him at once on a most important christening\u2014I mean on most important business.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shan\u2019t be away more than half an hour.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you make it twenty minutes?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back in no time.\r\n\r\n[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What an impetuous boy he is!\u00a0 I like his hair so much.\u00a0 I must enter his proposal in my diary.\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Isn\u2019t Mr. Worthing in his library?\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon.\u00a0 And you can bring tea.\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 [Goes out.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax!\u00a0 I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London.\u00a0 I don\u2019t quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work.\u00a0 I think it is so forward of them.\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\n[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.]\r\n\r\n[Exit Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to meet her.]\u00a0 Pray let me introduce myself to you.\u00a0 My name is Cecily Cardew.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily Cardew?\u00a0 [Moving to her and shaking hands.]\u00a0 What a very sweet name!\u00a0 Something tells me that we are going to be great friends.\u00a0 I like you already more than I can say.\u00a0 My first impressions of people are never wrong.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time.\u00a0 Pray sit down.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still standing up.]\u00a0 I may call you Cecily, may I not?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 With pleasure!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 And you will always call me Gwendolen, won\u2019t you?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 If you wish.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then that is all quite settled, is it not?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope so.\u00a0 [A pause.\u00a0 They both sit down together.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am.\u00a0 My father is Lord Bracknell.\u00a0 You have never heard of papa, I suppose?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think so.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown.\u00a0 I think that is quite as it should be.\u00a0 The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man.\u00a0 And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not?\u00a0 And I don\u2019t like that.\u00a0 It makes men so very attractive.\u00a0 Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! not at all, Gwendolen.\u00a0 I am very fond of being looked at.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After examining Cecily<\/b> carefully through a lorgnette.]\u00a0 You are here on a short visit, I suppose.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I live here.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Indeed?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am Mr. Worthing\u2019s ward.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward.\u00a0 How secretive of him!\u00a0 He grows more interesting hourly.\u00a0 I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight.\u00a0 [Rising and going to her.]\u00a0 I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you!\u00a0 But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing\u2019s ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were\u2014well, just a little older than you seem to be\u2014and not quite so very alluring in appearance.\u00a0 In fact, if I may speak candidly\u2014\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray do!\u00a0 I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age.\u00a0 Ernest has a strong upright nature.\u00a0 He is the very soul of truth and honour.\u00a0 Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception.\u00a0 But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others.\u00a0 Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to.\u00a0 If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian.\u00a0 It is his brother\u2014his elder brother.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! that accounts for it.\u00a0 And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother.\u00a0 The subject seems distasteful to most men.\u00a0 Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind.\u00a0 I was growing almost anxious.\u00a0 It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not?\u00a0 Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite sure.\u00a0 [A pause.]\u00a0 In fact, I am going to be his.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inquiringly.]\u00a0 I beg your pardon?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rather shy and confidingly.]\u00a0 Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you.\u00a0 Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite politely, rising.]\u00a0 My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me.\u00a0 The announcement will appear in the Morning Post<\/i> on Saturday at the latest.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very politely, rising.]\u00a0 I am afraid you must be under some misconception.\u00a0 Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.\u00a0 [Shows diary.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.]\u00a0 It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30.\u00a0 If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so.\u00a0 [Produces diary of her own.]\u00a0 I never travel without my diary.\u00a0 One should always have something sensational to read in the train.\u00a0 I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Thoughtfully and sadly.]\u00a0 Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement?\u00a0 You are presumptuous.\u00a0 On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one\u2019s mind.\u00a0 It becomes a pleasure.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement?\u00a0 How dare you?\u00a0 This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners.\u00a0 When I see a spade I call it a spade.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Satirically.]\u00a0 I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade.\u00a0 It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>, followed by the footman.\u00a0 He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand.\u00a0 Cecily<\/b> is about to retort.\u00a0 The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly, in a calm voice.]\u00a0 Yes, as usual.\u00a0 [Merriman<\/b> begins to clear table and lay cloth.\u00a0 A long pause.\u00a0Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> glare at each other.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! yes! a great many.\u00a0 From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Five counties!\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I should like that; I hate crowds.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sweetly.]\u00a0 I suppose that is why you live in town?\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking round.]\u00a0 Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does.\u00a0 The country always bores me to death.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah!\u00a0 This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not?\u00a0 I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present.\u00a0 It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told.\u00a0 May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [With elaborate politeness.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 [Aside.]\u00a0 Detestable girl!\u00a0 But I require tea!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sweetly.]\u00a0 Sugar?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Superciliously.]\u00a0 No, thank you.\u00a0 Sugar is not fashionable any more. [Cecily<\/b> looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Cake or bread and butter?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a bored manner.]\u00a0 Bread and butter, please.\u00a0 Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.]\u00a0 Hand that to Miss Fairfax.\r\n\r\n[Merriman<\/b> does so, and goes out with footman.\u00a0 Gwendolen<\/b> drinks the tea and makes a grimace.\u00a0 Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake.\u00a0 Rises in indignation.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake.\u00a0 I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 From the moment I saw you I distrusted you.\u00a0 I felt that you were false and deceitful.\u00a0 I am never deceived in such matters.\u00a0 My first impressions of people are invariably right.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time.\u00a0 No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood.\r\n\r\n[Enter Jack<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Catching sight of him.]\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [Offers to kiss her.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Draws back.]\u00a0 A moment!\u00a0 May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady?\u00a0 [Points toCecily<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Laughing.]\u00a0 To dear little Cecily!\u00a0 Of course not!\u00a0 What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 You may!\u00a0 [Offers her cheek.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very sweetly.]\u00a0 I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax.\u00a0 The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 This is Uncle Jack.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Receding.]\u00a0 Jack!\u00a0 Oh!\r\n\r\n[Enter Algernon<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Here is Ernest.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Goes straight over to Cecily<\/b> without noticing any one else.]\u00a0 My own love!\u00a0 [Offers to kiss her.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Drawing back.]\u00a0 A moment, Ernest!\u00a0 May I ask you\u2014are you engaged to be married to this young lady?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking round.]\u00a0 To what young lady?\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Laughing.]\u00a0 Of course not!\u00a0 What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.]\u00a0 You may.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> kisses her.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew.\u00a0 The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Breaking away from Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff!\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 [The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other\u2019s waists as if for protection.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Are you called Algernon?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I cannot deny it.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Is your name really John?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Standing rather proudly.]\u00a0 I could deny it if I liked.\u00a0 I could deny anything if I liked.\u00a0 But my name certainly is John.\u00a0 It has been John for years.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 A gross deception has been practised on both of us.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My poor wounded Cecily!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 My sweet wronged Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Slowly and seriously.]\u00a0 You will call me sister, will you not?\u00a0 [They embrace.\u00a0 Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> groan and walk up and down.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rather brightly.]\u00a0 There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An admirable idea!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you.\u00a0 Where is your brother Ernest?\u00a0 We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Slowly and hesitatingly.]\u00a0 Gwendolen\u2014Cecily\u2014it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth.\u00a0 It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest.\u00a0 I have no brother at all.\u00a0 I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Surprised.]\u00a0 No brother at all?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Cheerily.]\u00a0 None!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Had you never a brother of any kind?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pleasantly.]\u00a0 Never.\u00a0 Not even of any kind.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in.\u00a0 Is it?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us go into the house.\u00a0 They will hardly venture to come after us there.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 No, men are so cowardly, aren\u2019t they?\r\n\r\n[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is.\u00a0 The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you\u2019ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is absurd.\u00a0 One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses.\u00a0 Every serious Bunburyist knows that.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Serious Bunburyist!\u00a0 Good heavens!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.\u00a0 I happen to be serious about Bunburying.\u00a0 What on earth you are serious about I haven\u2019t got the remotest idea.\u00a0 About everything, I should fancy.\u00a0 You have such an absolutely trivial nature.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded.\u00a0 You won\u2019t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy.\u00a0 And a very good thing too.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother is a little off colour, isn\u2019t he, dear Jack?\u00a0 You won\u2019t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was.\u00a0 And not a bad thing either.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable.\u00a0 To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax.\u00a0 To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all.\u00a0 I love her.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily.\u00a0 I adore her.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is no business of yours.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 If it was my business, I wouldn\u2019t talk about it.\u00a0 [Begins to eat muffins.]\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk about one\u2019s business.\u00a0 Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can\u2019t make out.\u00a0 You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I can\u2019t eat muffins in an agitated manner.\u00a0 The butter would probably get on my cuffs.\u00a0 One should always eat muffins quite calmly.\u00a0 It is the only way to eat them.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I say it\u2019s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.\u00a0 Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink.\u00a0 At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy.\u00a0 Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.\u00a0 [Rising.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins fromAlgernon<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Offering tea-cake.]\u00a0 I wish you would have tea-cake instead.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like tea-cake.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances.\u00a0 That is a very different thing.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That may be.\u00a0 But the muffins are the same.\u00a0 [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You can\u2019t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner.\u00a0 It\u2019s absurd.\u00a0 I never go without my dinner.\u00a0 No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.\u00a0 Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better.\u00a0 I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest.\u00a0 Gwendolen would wish it.\u00a0 We can\u2019t both be christened Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s absurd.\u00a0 Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like.\u00a0 There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody.\u00a0 I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 It is entirely different in your case.\u00a0 You have been christened already.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but I have not been christened for years.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you have been christened.\u00a0 That is the important thing.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite so.\u00a0 So I know my constitution can stand it.\u00a0 If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now.\u00a0 It might make you very unwell.\u00a0 You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It usen\u2019t to be, I know\u2014but I daresay it is now.\u00a0 Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up the muffin-dish.]\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack, you are at the muffins again!\u00a0 I wish you wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 There are only two left.\u00a0 [Takes them.]\u00a0 I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 But I hate tea-cake.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests?\u00a0 What ideas you have of hospitality!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algernon!\u00a0 I have already told you to go.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you here.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you go!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> groans, and sinks into a chair.\u00a0Algernon<\/b> still continues eating.]\r\n\r\nACT DROP\r\n

THIRD ACT<\/h2>\r\n

SCENE<\/h3>\r\nMorning-room at the Manor House.\r\n\r\n[Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> are at the window, looking out into the garden.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have been eating muffins.\u00a0 That looks like repentance.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 They don\u2019t seem to notice us at all.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you cough?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I haven\u2019t got a cough.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re looking at us.\u00a0 What effrontery!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re approaching.\u00a0 That\u2019s very forward of them.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us preserve a dignified silence.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only thing to do now.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> followed by Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A most distasteful one.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But we will not be the first to speak.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly not.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.\u00a0 Much depends on your reply.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable.\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question.\u00a0 Why did you pretend to be my guardian\u2019s brother?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, dear, if you can believe him.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t.\u00a0 But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True.\u00a0 In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother?\u00a0 Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I have the gravest doubts upon the subject.\u00a0 But I intend to crush them.\u00a0 This is not the moment for German scepticism.\u00a0 [Moving to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing\u2019s.\u00a0 That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said.\u00a0 His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then you think we should forgive them?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I mean no.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True!\u00a0 I had forgotten.\u00a0 There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender.\u00a0 Which of us should tell them?\u00a0 The task is not a pleasant one.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Could we not both speak at the same time?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An excellent idea!\u00a0 I nearly always speak at the same time as other people.\u00a0 Will you take the time from me?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> beats time with uplifted finger.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier.\u00a0 That is all!\r\n\r\nJack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Our Christian names!\u00a0 Is that all?\u00a0 But we are going to be christened this afternoon.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am!\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes!\u00a0 Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 [Clasps hands with Algernon<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [They fall into each other\u2019s arms.]\r\n\r\n[Enter Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.]\r\n\r\nMerriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Lady Bracknell!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\r\n\r\n[Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.\u00a0 The couples separate in alarm.\u00a0 Exit Merriman<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 What does this mean?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Come here.\u00a0 Sit down.\u00a0 Sit down immediately.\u00a0 Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.\u00a0 [Turns to Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Apprised, sir, of my daughter\u2019s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train.\u00a0 Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought.\u00a0 I do not propose to undeceive him.\u00a0 Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question.\u00a0 I would consider it wrong.\u00a0 But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment.\u00a0 On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are nothing of the kind, sir.\u00a0 And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stammering.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Bunbury doesn\u2019t live here.\u00a0 Bunbury is somewhere else at present.\u00a0 In fact, Bunbury is dead.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Dead!\u00a0 When did Mr. Bunbury die?\u00a0 His death must have been extremely sudden.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I killed Bunbury this afternoon.\u00a0 I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 What did he die of?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury?\u00a0 Oh, he was quite exploded.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Exploded!\u00a0 Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?\u00a0 I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.\u00a0 If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out!\u00a0 The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean\u2014so Bunbury died.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians.\u00a0 I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.\u00a0 And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.\u00a0 [Lady Bracknell<\/b> bows coldly to Cecily<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.]\u00a0 I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance.\u00a0 I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London?\u00a0 I merely desire information.\u00a0 Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a clear, cold voice.]\u00a0 Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That sounds not unsatisfactory.\u00a0 Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen.\u00a0 But what proof have I of their authenticity?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period.\u00a0 They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Grimly.]\u00a0 I have known strange errors in that publication.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Cardew\u2019s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Markby, Markby, and Markby?\u00a0 A firm of the very highest position in their profession.\u00a0 Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby\u2019s is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties.\u00a0 So far I am satisfied.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very irritably.]\u00a0 How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell!\u00a0 I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew\u2019s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl.\u00a0 I am not myself in favour of premature experiences.\u00a0 [Rises, looks at her watch.]\u00a0 Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure.\u00a0 We have not a moment to lose.\u00a0 As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds.\u00a0 That is all.\u00a0 Goodbye, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 So pleased to have seen you.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 A moment, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 A hundred and thirty thousand pounds!\u00a0 And in the Funds!\u00a0 Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her.\u00a0 Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time.\u00a0 We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come over here, dear.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes across.]\u00a0 Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it.\u00a0 But we can soon alter all that.\u00a0 A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time.\u00a0 I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 And after six months nobody knew her.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glares at Jack<\/b> for a few moments.\u00a0 Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Kindly turn round, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> turns completely round.]\u00a0 No, the side view is what I want.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> presents her profile.]\u00a0 Yes, quite as I expected.\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in your profile.\u00a0 The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile.\u00a0 The chin a little higher, dear.\u00a0 Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn.\u00a0 They are worn very high, just at present.\u00a0 Algernon!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew\u2019s profile.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t care twopence about social possibilities.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon.\u00a0 Only people who can\u2019t get into it do that.\u00a0 [ToCecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon.\u00a0 But I do not approve of mercenary marriages.\u00a0 When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind.\u00a0 But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way.\u00a0 Well, I suppose I must give my consent.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you may kiss me!\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Kisses her.]\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.\u00a0 They give people the opportunity of finding out each other\u2019s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question.\u00a0 I am Miss Cardew\u2019s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age.\u00a0 That consent I absolutely decline to give.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon what grounds may I ask?\u00a0 Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man.\u00a0 He has nothing, but he looks everything.\u00a0 What more can one desire?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character.\u00a0 I suspect him of being untruthful.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> look at him in indignant amazement.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Untruthful!\u00a0 My nephew Algernon?\u00a0 Impossible!\u00a0 He is an Oxonian.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.\u00a0 This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother.\u00a0 Under an assumed name he drank, I\u2019ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, \u201989; wine I was specially reserving for myself.\u00a0 Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward.\u00a0 He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin.\u00a0 And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don\u2019t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind.\u00a0 I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew\u2019s conduct to you.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 My own decision, however, is unalterable.\u00a0 I decline to give my consent.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come here, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes over.]\u00a0 How old are you, dear?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration.\u00a0 Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.\u00a0 It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.]\u00a0 Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties.\u00a0 Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage.\u00a0 So I don\u2019t think your guardian\u2019s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather\u2019s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That does not seem to me to be a grave objection.\u00a0 Thirty-five is a very attractive age.\u00a0 London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.\u00a0 Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point.\u00a0 To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.\u00a0 I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.\u00a0 There will be a large accumulation of property.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I could, Cecily.\u00a0 You know I could.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn\u2019t wait all that time.\u00a0 I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody.\u00a0 It always makes me rather cross.\u00a0 I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then what is to be done, Cecily?\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, Mr. Moncrieff.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five\u2014a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature\u2014I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands.\u00a0 The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and drawing herself up.]\u00a0 You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.\u00a0 [Pulls out her watch.]\u00a0 Come, dear, [Gwendolen<\/b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains.\u00a0 To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.\r\n\r\n[Enter Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Everything is quite ready for the christenings.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The christenings, sir!\u00a0 Is not that somewhat premature?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 At their age?\u00a0 The idea is grotesque and irreligious!\u00a0 Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized.\u00a0 I will not hear of such excesses.\u00a0 Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons.\u00a0 However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once.\u00a0 Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Starting.]\u00a0 Miss Prism!\u00a0 Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I am on my way to join her.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray allow me to detain you for a moment.\u00a0 This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.\u00a0 Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat indignantly.]\u00a0 She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is obviously the same person.\u00a0 May I ask what position she holds in your household?\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 I am a celibate, madam.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Interposing.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew\u2019s esteemed governess and valued companion.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once.\u00a0 Let her be sent for.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking off.]\u00a0 She approaches; she is nigh.\r\n\r\n[Enter Miss Prism<\/b> hurriedly.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon.\u00a0 I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters.\u00a0 [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell<\/b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> grows pale and quails.\u00a0 She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a severe, judicial voice.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> bows her head in shame.]\u00a0 Come here, Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> approaches in a humble manner.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [General consternation.\u00a0 The Canon<\/b> starts back in horror.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> and Jack<\/b> pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]\u00a0 Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell\u2019s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex.\u00a0 You never returned.\u00a0 A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater.\u00a0 It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> starts in involuntary indignation.]\u00a0 But the baby was not there!\u00a0 [Every one looks at Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [A pause.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.\u00a0 I only wish I did.\u00a0 The plain facts of the case are these.\u00a0 On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.\u00a0 I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours.\u00a0 In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Who has been listening attentively.]\u00a0 But where did you deposit the hand-bag?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me.\u00a0 I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway stations in London.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 What railway station?\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite crushed.]\u00a0 Victoria.\u00a0 The Brighton line.\u00a0 [Sinks into a chair.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 I must retire to my room for a moment.\u00a0 Gwendolen, wait here for me.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.\u00a0 [Exit Jack<\/b> in great excitement.]\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur.\u00a0 They are hardly considered the thing.\r\n\r\n[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about.\u00a0 Every one looks up.]\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian has a very emotional nature.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 This noise is extremely unpleasant.\u00a0 It sounds as if he was having an argument.\u00a0 I dislike arguments of any kind.\u00a0 They are always vulgar, and often convincing.\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking up.]\u00a0 It has stopped now.\u00a0 [The noise is redoubled.]\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This suspense is terrible.\u00a0 I hope it will last.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.]\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rushing over to Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism?\u00a0 Examine it carefully before you speak.\u00a0 The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calmly.]\u00a0 It seems to be mine.\u00a0 Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days.\u00a0 Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington.\u00a0 And here, on the lock, are my initials.\u00a0 I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there.\u00a0 The bag is undoubtedly mine.\u00a0 I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me.\u00a0 It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a pathetic voice.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag.\u00a0 I was the baby you placed in it.\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Amazed.]\u00a0 You?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Embracing her.]\u00a0 Yes . . . mother!\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 I am unmarried!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Unmarried!\u00a0 I do not deny that is a serious blow.\u00a0 But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?\u00a0 Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?\u00a0 Why should there be one law for men, and another for women?\u00a0 Mother, I forgive you.\u00a0 [Tries to embrace her again.]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still more indignant.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is some error.\u00a0 [Pointing to Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]\u00a0 There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you.\u00a0 You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon\u2019s elder brother.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy\u2019s elder brother!\u00a0 Then I have a brother after all.\u00a0 I knew I had a brother!\u00a0 I always said I had a brother!\u00a0 Cecily,\u2014how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother?\u00a0 [Seizes hold of Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future.\u00a0 You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit.\u00a0 I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.\r\n\r\n[Shakes hands.]\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 My own!\u00a0 But what own are you?\u00a0 What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else?\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point.\u00a0 Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I never change, except in my affections.\r\n\r\nCecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then the question had better be cleared up at once.\u00a0 Aunt Augusta, a moment.\u00a0 At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then I was christened!\u00a0 That is settled.\u00a0 Now, what name was I given?\u00a0 Let me know the worst.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Yes, but what was my father\u2019s Christian name?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 I cannot at the present moment recall what the General\u2019s Christian name was.\u00a0 But I have no doubt he had one.\u00a0 He was eccentric, I admit.\u00a0 But only in later years.\u00a0 And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy!\u00a0 Can\u2019t you recollect what our father\u2019s Christian name was?\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.\u00a0 He died before I was a year old.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.\u00a0 But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Army Lists of the last forty years are here.\u00a0 These delightful records should have been my constant study.\u00a0 [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.]\u00a0 M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have\u2014Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!\u00a0 Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.\u00a0 [Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.]\u00a0 I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 Well, it is Ernest after all.\u00a0 I mean it naturally is Ernest.\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!\u00a0 I felt from the first that you could have no other name!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.\u00a0 Can you forgive me?\r\n\r\nGwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 For I feel that you are sure to change.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!\r\n\r\nChasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 L\u00e6titia!\u00a0 [Embraces her]\r\n\r\nMiss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Enthusiastically.]\u00a0 Frederick!\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nAlgernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!\r\n\r\nLady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.\r\n\r\nJack.<\/b>\u00a0 On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I\u2019ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.\r\n\r\nTABLEAU","rendered":"

The Importance of Being Earnest
\nA Trivial Comedy for Serious People<\/h2>\n

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY<\/h3>\n

John Worthing, J.P.
\nAlgernon Moncrieff
\nRev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.
\nMerriman, Butler
\nLane, Manservant
\nLady Bracknell
\nHon. Gwendolen Fairfax
\nCecily Cardew
\nMiss Prism, Governess<\/p>\n

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY<\/h3>\n

ACT I.\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff\u2019s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.<\/p>\n

ACT II.\u00a0 The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.<\/p>\n

ACT III.\u00a0 Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.<\/p>\n

TIME: The Present.<\/p>\n

FIRST ACT<\/h2>\n

SCENE<\/h3>\n

Morning-room in Algernon\u2019s flat in Half-Moon Street.\u00a0 The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.\u00a0 The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon<\/b> enters.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think it polite to listen, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for that, for your sake.\u00a0 I don\u2019t play accurately\u2014any one can play accurately\u2014but I play with wonderful expression.\u00a0 As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.\u00a0 I keep science for Life.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Hands them on a salver.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]\u00a0 Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why is it that at a bachelor\u2019s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne?\u00a0 I ask merely for information.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.\u00a0 I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Is marriage so demoralising as that?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I believe it is<\/i> a very pleasant state, sir.\u00a0 I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present.\u00a0 I have only been married once.\u00a0 That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Languidly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject.\u00a0 I never think of it myself.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Very natural, I am sure.\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane\u2019s views on marriage seem somewhat lax.\u00a0 Really, if the lower orders don\u2019t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?\u00a0 They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> goes out.<\/i>]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How are you, my dear Ernest?\u00a0 What brings you up to town?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, pleasure, pleasure!\u00a0 What else should bring one anywhere?\u00a0 Eating as usual, I see, Algy!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stiffly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o\u2019clock.\u00a0 Where have you been since last Thursday?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down on the sofa.]\u00a0 In the country.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you do there?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pulling off his gloves.<\/i>]\u00a0 When one is in town one amuses oneself.\u00a0 When one is in the country one amuses other people.\u00a0 It is excessively boring.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And who are the people you amuse?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.<\/i>]\u00a0 Oh, neighbours, neighbours.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly horrid!\u00a0 Never speak to one of them.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How immensely you must amuse them!\u00a0 [Goes over and takes sandwich.]\u00a0 By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Eh?\u00a0 Shropshire?\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 Hallo!\u00a0 Why all these cups?\u00a0 Why cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?\u00a0 Who is coming to tea?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How perfectly delightful!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won\u2019t quite approve of your being here.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask why?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful.\u00a0 It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am in love with Gwendolen.\u00a0 I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How utterly unromantic you are!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see anything romantic in proposing.\u00a0 It is very romantic to be in love.\u00a0 But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.\u00a0 Why, one may be accepted.\u00a0 One usually is, I believe.\u00a0 Then the excitement is all over.\u00a0 The very essence of romance is uncertainty.\u00a0 If ever I get married, I\u2019ll certainly try to forget the fact.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have no doubt about that, dear Algy.\u00a0 The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject.\u00a0 Divorces are made in Heaven\u2014[Jack<\/b> puts out his hand to take a sandwich.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> at once interferes.]\u00a0 Please don\u2019t touch the cucumber sandwiches.\u00a0 They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Takes one and eats it.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you have been eating them all the time.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is quite a different matter.\u00a0 She is my aunt.\u00a0 [Takes plate from below.]\u00a0 Have some bread and butter.\u00a0 The bread and butter is for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to table and helping himself.]\u00a0 And very good bread and butter it is too.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all.\u00a0 You behave as if you were married to her already.\u00a0 You are not married to her already, and I don\u2019t think you ever will be.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth do you say that?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with.\u00a0 Girls don\u2019t think it right.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t.\u00a0 It is a great truth.\u00a0 It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.\u00a0 In the second place, I don\u2019t give my consent.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your consent!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin.\u00a0 And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.\u00a0 [Rings bell.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?\u00a0 What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know any one of the name of Cecily.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time?\u00a0 I wish to goodness you had let me know.\u00a0 I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it.\u00a0 I was very nearly offering a large reward.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I wish you would offer one.\u00a0 I happen to be more than usually hard up.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b> with the cigarette case on a salver.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> takes it at once.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say.\u00a0 [Opens case and examines it.]\u00a0 However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn\u2019t yours after all.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it\u2019s mine.\u00a0 [Moving to him.]\u00a0 You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.\u00a0 It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn\u2019t read.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am quite aware of the fact, and I don\u2019t propose to discuss modern culture.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t the sort of thing one should talk of in private.\u00a0 I simply want my cigarette case back.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; but this isn\u2019t your cigarette case.\u00a0 This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn\u2019t know any one of that name.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your aunt!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Charming old lady she is, too.\u00a0 Lives at Tunbridge Wells.\u00a0 Just give it back to me, Algy.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Retreating to back of sofa.]\u00a0 But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?\u00a0 [Reading.]\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily with her fondest love.\u2019<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that?\u00a0 Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall.\u00a0 That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.\u00a0 You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt!\u00a0 That is absurd!\u00a0 For Heaven\u2019s sake give me back my cigarette case.\u00a0 [Follows Algernon<\/b> round the room.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But why does your aunt call you her uncle?\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.\u2019\u00a0 There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can\u2019t quite make out.\u00a0 Besides, your name isn\u2019t Jack at all; it is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t Ernest; it\u2019s Jack.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have always told me it was Ernest.\u00a0 I have introduced you to every one as Ernest.\u00a0 You answer to the name of Ernest.\u00a0 You look as if your name was Ernest.\u00a0 You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life.\u00a0 It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn\u2019t Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s on your cards.\u00a0 Here is one of them.\u00a0 [Taking it from case.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.\u00a0 [Puts the card in his pocket.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle.\u00a0 Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist.\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn\u2019t a dentist.\u00a0 It produces a false impression.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.\u00a0 Now, go on!\u00a0 Tell me the whole thing.\u00a0 I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, produce my cigarette case first.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 [Hands cigarette case.]\u00a0 Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable.\u00a0 [Sits on sofa.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all.\u00a0 In fact it\u2019s perfectly ordinary.\u00a0 Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.\u00a0 Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Where is that place in the country, by the way?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nothing to you, dear boy.\u00a0 You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I suspected that, my dear fellow!\u00a0 I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions.\u00a0 Now, go on.\u00a0 Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, I don\u2019t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives.\u00a0 You are hardly serious enough.\u00a0 When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects.\u00a0 It\u2019s one\u2019s duty to do so.\u00a0 And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one\u2019s health or one\u2019s happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.\u00a0 That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The truth is rarely pure and never simple.\u00a0 Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That wouldn\u2019t be at all a bad thing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try it.\u00a0 You should leave that to people who haven\u2019t been at a University.\u00a0 They do it so well in the daily papers.\u00a0 What you really are is a Bunburyist.\u00a0 I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist.\u00a0 You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like.\u00a0 I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose.\u00a0 Bunbury is perfectly invaluable.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t for Bunbury\u2019s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn\u2019t be able to dine with you at Willis\u2019s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.\u00a0 It is very foolish of you.\u00a0 Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one\u2019s own relations.\u00a0 In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down with either no woman at all, or two.\u00a0 In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night.\u00a0 She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table.\u00a0 That is not very pleasant.\u00a0 Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase.\u00a0 The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous.\u00a0 It looks so bad.\u00a0 It is simply washing one\u2019s clean linen in public.\u00a0 Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying.\u00a0 I want to tell you the rules.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m not a Bunburyist at all.\u00a0 If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I\u2019ll kill him in any case.\u00a0 Cecily is a little too much interested in him.\u00a0 It is rather a bore.\u00a0 So I am going to get rid of Ernest.\u00a0 And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury.\u00a0 A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nonsense.\u00a0 If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won\u2019t want to know Bunbury.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then your wife will.\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama has been propounding for the last fifty years.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 For heaven\u2019s sake, don\u2019t try to be cynical.\u00a0 It\u2019s perfectly easy to be cynical.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, it isn\u2019t easy to be anything nowadays.\u00a0 There\u2019s such a lot of beastly competition about.\u00a0 [The sound of an electric bell is heard.]\u00a0 Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian manner.\u00a0 Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis\u2019s?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so, if you want to.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you must be serious about it.\u00a0 I hate people who are not serious about meals.\u00a0 It is so shallow of them.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Algernon<\/b> goes forward to meet them.\u00a0 Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That\u2019s not quite the same thing.\u00a0 In fact the two things rarely go together.\u00a0 [Sees Jack<\/b> and bows to him with icy coldness.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear me, you are smart!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am always smart!\u00a0 Am I not, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I hope I am not that.\u00a0 It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> and Jack<\/b> sit down together in the corner.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t been there since her poor husband\u2019s death.\u00a0 I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger.\u00a0 And now I\u2019ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Goes over to tea-table.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, mamma, I\u2019m quite comfortable where I am.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up empty plate in horror.]\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Lane!\u00a0 Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 I ordered them specially.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.\u00a0 I went down twice.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No cucumbers!<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir.\u00a0 Not even for ready money.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It really makes no matter, Algernon.\u00a0 I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It certainly has changed its colour.\u00a0 From what cause I, of course, cannot say.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> crosses and hands tea.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon.\u00a0 I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar.\u00a0 She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband.\u00a0 It\u2019s delightful to watch them.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Frowning.]\u00a0 I hope not, Algernon.\u00a0 It would put my table completely out.\u00a0 Your uncle would have to dine upstairs.\u00a0 Fortunately he is accustomed to that.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.\u00a0 [Exchanges glances with Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 They seem to think I should be with him.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is very strange.\u00a0 This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die.\u00a0 This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd.\u00a0 Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids.\u00a0 I consider it morbid.\u00a0 Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.\u00a0 Health is the primary duty of life.\u00a0 I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes.\u00a0 I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.\u00a0 It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he\u2019ll be all right by Saturday.\u00a0 Of course the music is a great difficulty.\u00a0 You see, if one plays good music, people don\u2019t listen, and if one plays bad music people don\u2019t talk.\u00a0 But I\u2019ll run over the programme I\u2019ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Algernon.\u00a0 It is very thoughtful of you.\u00a0 [Rising, and following Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations.\u00a0 French songs I cannot possibly allow.\u00a0 People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse.\u00a0 But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so.\u00a0 Gwendolen, you will accompany me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, mamma.<\/p>\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> go into the music-room, Gwendolen<\/b> remains behind.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray don\u2019t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else.\u00a0 And that makes me so nervous.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I do mean something else.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought so.\u00a0 In fact, I am never wrong.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell\u2019s temporary absence . . .<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I would certainly advise you to do so.\u00a0 Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Nervously.]\u00a0 Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact.\u00a0 And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative.\u00a0 For me you have always had an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals.\u00a0 The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest.\u00a0 There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence.\u00a0 The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You really love me, Gwendolen?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Passionately!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 You don\u2019t know how happy you\u2019ve made me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My own Ernest!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But you don\u2019t really mean to say that you couldn\u2019t love me if my name wasn\u2019t Ernest?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But your name is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I know it is.\u00a0 But supposing it was something else?\u00a0 Do you mean to say you couldn\u2019t love me then?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glibly.]\u00a0 Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don\u2019t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don\u2019t think the name suits me at all.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 It suits you perfectly.\u00a0 It is a divine name.\u00a0 It has a music of its own.\u00a0 It produces vibrations.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names.\u00a0 I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed.\u00a0 It does not thrill.\u00a0 It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain.\u00a0 Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John!\u00a0 And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John.\u00a0 She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment\u2019s solitude.\u00a0 The only really safe name is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, I must get christened at once\u2014I mean we must get married at once.\u00a0 There is no time to be lost.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Married, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Astounded.]\u00a0 Well . . . surely.\u00a0 You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I adore you.\u00a0 But you haven\u2019t proposed to me yet.\u00a0 Nothing has been said at all about marriage.\u00a0 The subject has not even been touched on.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well . . . may I propose to you now?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it would be an admirable opportunity.\u00a0 And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You know what I have got to say to you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you don\u2019t say it.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, will you marry me?\u00a0 [Goes on his knees.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I will, darling.\u00a0 How long you have been about it!\u00a0 I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but men often propose for practice.\u00a0 I know my brother Gerald does.\u00a0 All my girl-friends tell me so.\u00a0 What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest!\u00a0 They are quite, quite, blue.\u00a0 I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.\u00a0 [Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.\u00a0 It is most indecorous.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mamma!\u00a0 [He tries to rise; she restrains him.]\u00a0 I must beg you to retire.\u00a0 This is no place for you.\u00a0 Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Finished what, may I ask?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\u00a0 [They rise together.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one.\u00a0 When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact.\u00a0 An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be.\u00a0 It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Reproachfully.]\u00a0 Mamma!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In the carriage, Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> goes to the door.\u00a0 She and Jack<\/b> blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell\u2019s<\/b> back.\u00a0 Lady Bracknell<\/b> looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was.\u00a0 Finally turns round.]\u00a0 Gwendolen, the carriage!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, mamma.\u00a0 [Goes out, looking back at Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down.]\u00a0 You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pencil and note-book in hand.]\u00a0 I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has.\u00a0 We work together, in fact.\u00a0 However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires.\u00a0 Do you smoke?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.\u00a0 A man should always have an occupation of some kind.\u00a0 There are far too many idle men in London as it is.\u00a0 How old are you?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Twenty-nine.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A very good age to be married at.\u00a0 I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.\u00a0 Which do you know?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After some hesitation.]\u00a0 I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am pleased to hear it.\u00a0 I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance.\u00a0 Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.\u00a0 The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.\u00a0 Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.\u00a0 If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.\u00a0 What is your income?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Between seven and eight thousand a year.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Makes a note in her book.]\u00a0 In land, or in investments?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In investments, chiefly.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is satisfactory.\u00a0 What between the duties expected of one during one\u2019s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one\u2019s death, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure.\u00a0 It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up.\u00a0 That\u2019s all that can be said about land.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don\u2019t depend on that for my real income.\u00a0 In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A country house!\u00a0 How many bedrooms?\u00a0 Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards.\u00a0 You have a town house, I hope?\u00a0 A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham.\u00a0 Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months\u2019 notice.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bloxham?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, she goes about very little.\u00a0 She is a lady considerably advanced in years.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character.\u00a0 What number in Belgrave Square?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 149.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 The unfashionable side.\u00a0 I thought there was something.\u00a0 However, that could easily be altered.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean the fashion, or the side?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly.]\u00a0 Both, if necessary, I presume.\u00a0 What are your politics?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am afraid I really have none.\u00a0 I am a Liberal Unionist.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, they count as Tories.\u00a0 They dine with us.\u00a0 Or come in the evening, at any rate.\u00a0 Now to minor matters.\u00a0 Are your parents living?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have lost both my parents.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.\u00a0 Who was your father?\u00a0 He was evidently a man of some wealth.\u00a0 Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I really don\u2019t know.\u00a0 The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.\u00a0 It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don\u2019t actually know who I am by birth.\u00a0 I was . . . well, I was found.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Found!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.\u00a0 Worthing is a place in Sussex.\u00a0 It is a seaside resort.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 In a hand-bag.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very seriously.]\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I was in a hand-bag\u2014a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it\u2014an ordinary hand-bag in fact.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In the cloak-room at Victoria Station.\u00a0 It was given to him in mistake for his own.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The cloak-room at Victoria Station?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The Brighton line.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The line is immaterial.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me.\u00a0 To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution.\u00a0 And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?\u00a0 As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion\u2014has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now\u2014but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask you then what you would advise me to do?\u00a0 I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen\u2019s happiness.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t see how I could possibly manage to do that.\u00a0 I can produce the hand-bag at any moment.\u00a0 It is in my dressing-room at home.\u00a0 I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Me, sir!\u00a0 What has it to do with me?\u00a0 You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter\u2014a girl brought up with the utmost care\u2014to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel?\u00a0 Good morning, Mr. Worthing!<\/p>\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good morning!\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b>, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March.\u00a0 Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.]\u00a0 For goodness\u2019 sake don\u2019t play that ghastly tune, Algy.\u00a0 How idiotic you are!<\/p>\n

[The music stops and Algernon<\/b> enters cheerily.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Didn\u2019t it go off all right, old boy?\u00a0 You don\u2019t mean to say Gwendolen refused you?\u00a0 I know it is a way she has.\u00a0 She is always refusing people.\u00a0 I think it is most ill-natured of her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet.\u00a0 As far as she is concerned, we are engaged.\u00a0 Her mother is perfectly unbearable.\u00a0 Never met such a Gorgon . . . I don\u2019t really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one.\u00a0 In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn\u2019t talk about your own aunt in that way before you.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.\u00a0 It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.\u00a0 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven\u2019t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t argue about the matter.\u00a0 You always want to argue about things.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is exactly what things were originally made for.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon my word, if I thought that, I\u2019d shoot myself . . . [A pause.]\u00a0 You don\u2019t think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 All women become like their mothers.\u00a0 That is their tragedy.\u00a0 No man does.\u00a0 That\u2019s his.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Is that clever?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sick to death of cleverness.\u00a0 Everybody is clever nowadays.\u00a0 You can\u2019t go anywhere without meeting clever people.\u00a0 The thing has become an absolute public nuisance.\u00a0 I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 We have.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I should extremely like to meet them.\u00a0 What do they talk about?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The fools?\u00a0 Oh! about the clever people, of course.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What fools!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a very patronising manner.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, the truth isn\u2019t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl.\u00a0 What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What about your brother?\u00a0 What about the profligate Ernest?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy.\u00a0 Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s hereditary, my dear fellow.\u00a0 It\u2019s a sort of thing that runs in families.\u00a0 You had much better say a severe chill.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are sure a severe chill isn\u2019t hereditary, or anything of that kind?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it isn\u2019t!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Very well, then.\u00a0 My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill.\u00a0 That gets rid of him.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest?\u00a0 Won\u2019t she feel his loss a good deal?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is all right.\u00a0 Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say.\u00a0 She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I would rather like to see Cecily.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I will take very good care you never do.\u00a0 She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! one doesn\u2019t blurt these things out to people.\u00a0 Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.\u00a0 I\u2019ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.\u00a0 Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis\u2019s, we really must go and dress.\u00a0 Do you know it is nearly seven?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It always is nearly seven.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m hungry.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I never knew you when you weren\u2019t . . .<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What shall we do after dinner?\u00a0 Go to a theatre?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I loathe listening.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, let us go to the Club?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate talking.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, we might trot round to the Empire at ten?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I can\u2019t bear looking at things.\u00a0 It is so silly.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, what shall we do?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is awfully hard work doing nothing.\u00a0 However, I don\u2019t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, upon my word!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, kindly turn your back.\u00a0 I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Really, Gwendolen, I don\u2019t think I can allow this at all.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.\u00a0 You are not quite old enough to do that.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> retires to the fireplace.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own darling!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest, we may never be married.\u00a0 From the expression on mamma\u2019s face I fear we never shall.\u00a0 Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.\u00a0 The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.\u00a0 Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.\u00a0 But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature.\u00a0 Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.\u00a0 Your town address at the Albany I have.\u00a0 What is your address in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Manor House, Woolton, Hertfordshire.<\/p>\n

[Algernon<\/b>, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff.\u00a0 Then picks up the Railway Guide.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 There is a good postal service, I suppose?\u00a0 It may be necessary to do something desperate.\u00a0 That of course will require serious consideration.\u00a0 I will communicate with you daily.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How long do you remain in town?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Till Monday.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Good!\u00a0 Algy, you may turn round now.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, I\u2019ve turned round already.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also ring the bell.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Lane<\/b>, who now enters.]\u00a0 I will see Miss Fairfax out.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> go off.]<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> presents several letters on a salver to Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon<\/b>, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 A glass of sherry, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 To-morrow, Lane, I\u2019m going Bunburying.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shall probably not be back till Monday.\u00a0 You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . .<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Handing sherry.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 It never is, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane, you\u2019re a perfect pessimist.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes off.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There\u2019s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is laughing immoderately.]\u00a0 What on earth are you so amused at?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 If you don\u2019t take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I love scrapes.\u00a0 They are the only things that are never serious.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that\u2019s nonsense, Algy.\u00a0 You never talk anything but nonsense.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nobody ever does.<\/p>\n

[Jack<\/b> looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]<\/p>\n

ACT DROP<\/p>\n

SECOND ACT<\/h2>\n

SCENE<\/h3>\n

Garden at the Manor House.\u00a0 A flight of grey stone steps leads up to the house.\u00a0 The garden, an old-fashioned one, full of roses.\u00a0 Time of year, July.\u00a0 Basket chairs, and a table covered with books, are set under a large yew-tree.<\/p>\n

[Miss Prism<\/b> discovered seated at the table.\u00a0 Cecily<\/b> is at the back watering flowers.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calling.]\u00a0 Cecily, Cecily!\u00a0 Surely such a utilitarian occupation as the watering of flowers is rather Moulton\u2019s duty than yours?\u00a0 Especially at a moment when intellectual pleasures await you.\u00a0 Your German grammar is on the table.\u00a0 Pray open it at page fifteen.\u00a0 We will repeat yesterday\u2019s lesson.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Coming over very slowly.]\u00a0 But I don\u2019t like German.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t at all a becoming language.\u00a0 I know perfectly well that I look quite plain after my German lesson.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Child, you know how anxious your guardian is that you should improve yourself in every way.\u00a0 He laid particular stress on your German, as he was leaving for town yesterday.\u00a0 Indeed, he always lays stress on your German when he is leaving for town.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Uncle Jack is so very serious!\u00a0 Sometimes he is so serious that I think he cannot be quite well.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Drawing herself up.]\u00a0 Your guardian enjoys the best of health, and his gravity of demeanour is especially to be commended in one so comparatively young as he is.\u00a0 I know no one who has a higher sense of duty and responsibility.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose that is why he often looks a little bored when we three are together.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 I am surprised at you.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing has many troubles in his life.\u00a0 Idle merriment and triviality would be out of place in his conversation.\u00a0 You must remember his constant anxiety about that unfortunate young man his brother.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish Uncle Jack would allow that unfortunate young man, his brother, to come down here sometimes.\u00a0 We might have a good influence over him, Miss Prism.\u00a0 I am sure you certainly would.\u00a0 You know German, and geology, and things of that kind influence a man very much.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> begins to write in her diary.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 I do not think that even I could produce any effect on a character that according to his own brother\u2019s admission is irretrievably weak and vacillating.\u00a0 Indeed I am not sure that I would desire to reclaim him.\u00a0 I am not in favour of this modern mania for turning bad people into good people at a moment\u2019s notice.\u00a0 As a man sows so let him reap.\u00a0 You must put away your diary, Cecily.\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see why you should keep a diary at all.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I keep a diary in order to enter the wonderful secrets of my life.\u00a0 If I didn\u2019t write them down, I should probably forget all about them.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Memory, my dear Cecily, is the diary that we all carry about with us.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it usually chronicles the things that have never happened, and couldn\u2019t possibly have happened.\u00a0 I believe that Memory is responsible for nearly all the three-volume novels that Mudie sends us.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not speak slightingly of the three-volume novel, Cecily.\u00a0 I wrote one myself in earlier days.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you really, Miss Prism?\u00a0 How wonderfully clever you are!\u00a0 I hope it did not end happily?\u00a0 I don\u2019t like novels that end happily.\u00a0 They depress me so much.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily.\u00a0 That is what Fiction means.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so.\u00a0 But it seems very unfair.\u00a0 And was your novel ever published?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Alas! no.\u00a0 The manuscript unfortunately was abandoned.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> starts.]\u00a0 I use the word in the sense of lost or mislaid.\u00a0 To your work, child, these speculations are profitless.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Smiling.]\u00a0 But I see dear Dr. Chasuble coming up through the garden.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and advancing.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble!\u00a0 This is indeed a pleasure.<\/p>\n

[Enter Canon Chasuble<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 And how are we this morning?\u00a0 Miss Prism, you are, I trust, well?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism has just been complaining of a slight headache.\u00a0 I think it would do her so much good to have a short stroll with you in the Park, Dr. Chasuble.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, I have not mentioned anything about a headache.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 No, dear Miss Prism, I know that, but I felt instinctively that you had a headache.\u00a0 Indeed I was thinking about that, and not about my German lesson, when the Rector came in.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope, Cecily, you are not inattentive.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I am afraid I am.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 That is strange.\u00a0 Were I fortunate enough to be Miss Prism\u2019s pupil, I would hang upon her lips.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> glares.]\u00a0 I spoke metaphorically.\u2014My metaphor was drawn from bees.\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I suppose, has not returned from town yet?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 We do not expect him till Monday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah yes, he usually likes to spend his Sunday in London.\u00a0 He is not one of those whose sole aim is enjoyment, as, by all accounts, that unfortunate young man his brother seems to be.\u00a0 But I must not disturb Egeria and her pupil any longer.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Egeria?\u00a0 My name is L\u00e6titia, Doctor.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Bowing.]\u00a0 A classical allusion merely, drawn from the Pagan authors.\u00a0 I shall see you both no doubt at Evensong?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I think, dear Doctor, I will have a stroll with you.\u00a0 I find I have a headache after all, and a walk might do it good.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 With pleasure, Miss Prism, with pleasure.\u00a0 We might go as far as the schools and back.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 That would be delightful.\u00a0 Cecily, you will read your Political Economy in my absence.\u00a0 The chapter on the Fall of the Rupee you may omit.\u00a0 It is somewhat too sensational.\u00a0 Even these metallic problems have their melodramatic side.<\/p>\n

[Goes down the garden with Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picks up books and throws them back on table.]\u00a0 Horrid Political Economy!\u00a0 Horrid Geography!\u00a0 Horrid, horrid German!<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b> with a card on a salver.]<\/p>\n

Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing has just driven over from the station.\u00a0 He has brought his luggage with him.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Takes the card and reads it.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany, W.\u2019\u00a0 Uncle Jack\u2019s brother!\u00a0 Did you tell him Mr. Worthing was in town?<\/p>\n

Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 He seemed very much disappointed.\u00a0 I mentioned that you and Miss Prism were in the garden.\u00a0 He said he was anxious to speak to you privately for a moment.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Ask Mr. Ernest Worthing to come here.\u00a0 I suppose you had better talk to the housekeeper about a room for him.<\/p>\n

Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 Yes, Miss.<\/p>\n

[Merriman<\/b> goes off.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I have never met any really wicked person before.\u00a0 I feel rather frightened.\u00a0 I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.<\/p>\n

[Enter Algernon<\/b>, very gay and debonnair.]\u00a0 He does!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Raising his hat.]\u00a0 You are my little cousin Cecily, I\u2019m sure.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You are under some strange mistake.\u00a0 I am not little.\u00a0 In fact, I believe I am more than usually tall for my age.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is rather taken aback.]\u00a0 But I am your cousin Cecily.\u00a0 You, I see from your card, are Uncle Jack\u2019s brother, my cousin Ernest, my wicked cousin Ernest.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I am not really wicked at all, cousin Cecily.\u00a0 You mustn\u2019t think that I am wicked.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not, then you have certainly been deceiving us all in a very inexcusable manner.\u00a0 I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time.\u00a0 That would be hypocrisy.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 Of course I have been rather reckless.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In fact, now you mention the subject, I have been very bad in my own small way.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think you should be so proud of that, though I am sure it must have been very pleasant.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is much pleasanter being here with you.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I can\u2019t understand how you are here at all.\u00a0 Uncle Jack won\u2019t be back till Monday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is a great disappointment.\u00a0 I am obliged to go up by the first train on Monday morning.\u00a0 I have a business appointment that I am anxious . . . to miss?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you miss it anywhere but in London?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No: the appointment is in London.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I know, of course, how important it is not to keep a business engagement, if one wants to retain any sense of the beauty of life, but still I think you had better wait till Uncle Jack arrives.\u00a0 I know he wants to speak to you about your emigrating.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 About my what?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Your emigrating.\u00a0 He has gone up to buy your outfit.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly wouldn\u2019t let Jack buy my outfit.\u00a0 He has no taste in neckties at all.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think you will require neckties.\u00a0 Uncle Jack is sending you to Australia.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Australia!\u00a0 I\u2019d sooner die.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, he said at dinner on Wednesday night, that you would have to choose between this world, the next world, and Australia.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, well!\u00a0 The accounts I have received of Australia and the next world, are not particularly encouraging.\u00a0 This world is good enough for me, cousin Cecily.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but are you good enough for it?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not that.\u00a0 That is why I want you to reform me.\u00a0 You might make that your mission, if you don\u2019t mind, cousin Cecily.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m afraid I\u2019ve no time, this afternoon.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, would you mind my reforming myself this afternoon?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is rather Quixotic of you.\u00a0 But I think you should try.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I will.\u00a0 I feel better already.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You are looking a little worse.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is because I am hungry.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 How thoughtless of me.\u00a0 I should have remembered that when one is going to lead an entirely new life, one requires regular and wholesome meals.\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come in?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 Might I have a buttonhole first?\u00a0 I never have any appetite unless I have a buttonhole first.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A Marechal Niel?\u00a0 [Picks up scissors.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No, I\u2019d sooner have a pink rose.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Why?\u00a0 [Cuts a flower.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Because you are like a pink rose, Cousin Cecily.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think it can be right for you to talk to me like that.\u00a0 Miss Prism never says such things to me.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then Miss Prism is a short-sighted old lady.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> puts the rose in his buttonhole.]\u00a0 You are the prettiest girl I ever saw.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism says that all good looks are a snare.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 They are a snare that every sensible man would like to be caught in.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I don\u2019t think I would care to catch a sensible man.\u00a0 I shouldn\u2019t know what to talk to him about.<\/p>\n

[They pass into the house.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> and Dr. Chasuble<\/b> return.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 You are too much alone, dear Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 You should get married.\u00a0 A misanthrope I can understand\u2014a womanthrope, never!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a scholar\u2019s shudder.]\u00a0 Believe me, I do not deserve so neologistic a phrase.\u00a0 The precept as well as the practice of the Primitive Church was distinctly against matrimony.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That is obviously the reason why the Primitive Church has not lasted up to the present day.\u00a0 And you do not seem to realise, dear Doctor, that by persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.\u00a0 Men should be more careful; this very celibacy leads weaker vessels astray.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But is a man not equally attractive when married?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 No married man is ever attractive except to his wife.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 And often, I\u2019ve been told, not even to her.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 That depends on the intellectual sympathies of the woman.\u00a0 Maturity can always be depended on.\u00a0 Ripeness can be trusted.\u00a0 Young women are green.\u00a0 [Dr. Chasuble<\/b> starts.]\u00a0 I spoke horticulturally.\u00a0 My metaphor was drawn from fruits.\u00a0 But where is Cecily?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Perhaps she followed us to the schools.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b> slowly from the back of the garden.\u00a0 He is dressed in the deepest mourning, with crape hatband and black gloves.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 This is indeed a surprise.\u00a0 We did not look for you till Monday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shakes Miss Prism\u2019s<\/b> hand in a tragic manner.]\u00a0 I have returned sooner than I expected.\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, I hope you are well?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Mr. Worthing, I trust this garb of woe does not betoken some terrible calamity?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My brother.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 More shameful debts and extravagance?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Still leading his life of pleasure?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking his head.]\u00a0 Dead!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother Ernest dead?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite dead.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 What a lesson for him!\u00a0 I trust he will profit by it.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I offer you my sincere condolence.\u00a0 You have at least the consolation of knowing that you were always the most generous and forgiving of brothers.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Poor Ernest!\u00a0 He had many faults, but it is a sad, sad blow.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Very sad indeed.\u00a0 Were you with him at the end?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He died abroad; in Paris, in fact.\u00a0 I had a telegram last night from the manager of the Grand Hotel.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Was the cause of death mentioned?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 A severe chill, it seems.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 As a man sows, so shall he reap.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Raising his hand.]\u00a0 Charity, dear Miss Prism, charity!\u00a0 None of us are perfect.\u00a0 I myself am peculiarly susceptible to draughts.\u00a0 Will the interment take place here?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 No.\u00a0 He seems to have expressed a desire to be buried in Paris.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 In Paris!\u00a0 [Shakes his head.]\u00a0 I fear that hardly points to any very serious state of mind at the last.\u00a0 You would no doubt wish me to make some slight allusion to this tragic domestic affliction next Sunday.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> presses his hand convulsively.]\u00a0 My sermon on the meaning of the manna in the wilderness can be adapted to almost any occasion, joyful, or, as in the present case, distressing.\u00a0 [All sigh.]\u00a0 I have preached it at harvest celebrations, christenings, confirmations, on days of humiliation and festal days.\u00a0 The last time I delivered it was in the Cathedral, as a charity sermon on behalf of the Society for the Prevention of Discontent among the Upper Orders.\u00a0 The Bishop, who was present, was much struck by some of the analogies I drew.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! that reminds me, you mentioned christenings I think, Dr. Chasuble?\u00a0 I suppose you know how to christen all right?\u00a0 [Dr. Chasuble<\/b> looks astounded.]\u00a0 I mean, of course, you are continually christening, aren\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 It is, I regret to say, one of the Rector\u2019s most constant duties in this parish.\u00a0 I have often spoken to the poorer classes on the subject.\u00a0 But they don\u2019t seem to know what thrift is.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But is there any particular infant in whom you are interested, Mr. Worthing?\u00a0 Your brother was, I believe, unmarried, was he not?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh yes.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Bitterly.]\u00a0 People who live entirely for pleasure usually are.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But it is not for any child, dear Doctor.\u00a0 I am very fond of children.\u00a0 No! the fact is, I would like to be christened myself, this afternoon, if you have nothing better to do.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But surely, Mr. Worthing, you have been christened already?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t remember anything about it.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 But have you any grave doubts on the subject?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly intend to have.\u00a0 Of course I don\u2019t know if the thing would bother you in any way, or if you think I am a little too old now.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Not at all.\u00a0 The sprinkling, and, indeed, the immersion of adults is a perfectly canonical practice.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Immersion!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 You need have no apprehensions.\u00a0 Sprinkling is all that is necessary, or indeed I think advisable.\u00a0 Our weather is so changeable.\u00a0 At what hour would you wish the ceremony performed?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I might trot round about five if that would suit you.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly, perfectly!\u00a0 In fact I have two similar ceremonies to perform at that time.\u00a0 A case of twins that occurred recently in one of the outlying cottages on your own estate.\u00a0 Poor Jenkins the carter, a most hard-working man.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I don\u2019t see much fun in being christened along with other babies.\u00a0 It would be childish.\u00a0 Would half-past five do?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Admirably!\u00a0 Admirably!\u00a0 [Takes out watch.]\u00a0 And now, dear Mr. Worthing, I will not intrude any longer into a house of sorrow.\u00a0 I would merely beg you not to be too much bowed down by grief.\u00a0 What seem to us bitter trials are often blessings in disguise.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 This seems to me a blessing of an extremely obvious kind.<\/p>\n

[Enter Cecily<\/b> from the house.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack!\u00a0 Oh, I am pleased to see you back.\u00a0 But what horrid clothes you have got on!\u00a0 Do go and change them.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 My child! my child!\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes towards Jack<\/b>; he kisses her brow in a melancholy manner.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What is the matter, Uncle Jack?\u00a0 Do look happy!\u00a0 You look as if you had toothache, and I have got such a surprise for you.\u00a0 Who do you think is in the dining-room?\u00a0 Your brother!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Who?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother Ernest.\u00a0 He arrived about half an hour ago.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What nonsense!\u00a0 I haven\u2019t got a brother.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, don\u2019t say that.\u00a0 However badly he may have behaved to you in the past he is still your brother.\u00a0 You couldn\u2019t be so heartless as to disown him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll tell him to come out.\u00a0 And you will shake hands with him, won\u2019t you, Uncle Jack?\u00a0 [Runs back into the house.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 These are very joyful tidings.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 After we had all been resigned to his loss, his sudden return seems to me peculiarly distressing.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My brother is in the dining-room?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know what it all means.\u00a0 I think it is perfectly absurd.<\/p>\n

[Enter Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> hand in hand.\u00a0 They come slowly up to Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 [Motions Algernon<\/b> away.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Brother John, I have come down from town to tell you that I am very sorry for all the trouble I have given you, and that I intend to lead a better life in the future.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> glares at him and does not take his hand.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, you are not going to refuse your own brother\u2019s hand?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to take his hand.\u00a0 I think his coming down here disgraceful.\u00a0 He knows perfectly well why.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, do be nice.\u00a0 There is some good in every one.\u00a0 Ernest has just been telling me about his poor invalid friend Mr. Bunbury whom he goes to visit so often.\u00a0 And surely there must be much good in one who is kind to an invalid, and leaves the pleasures of London to sit by a bed of pain.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! he has been talking about Bunbury, has he?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, he has told me all about poor Mr. Bunbury, and his terrible state of health.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury!\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t have him talk to you about Bunbury or about anything else.\u00a0 It is enough to drive one perfectly frantic.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I admit that the faults were all on my side.\u00a0 But I must say that I think that Brother John\u2019s coldness to me is peculiarly painful.\u00a0 I expected a more enthusiastic welcome, especially considering it is the first time I have come here.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack, if you don\u2019t shake hands with Ernest I will never forgive you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Never forgive me?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Never, never, never!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, this is the last time I shall ever do it.\u00a0 [Shakes with Algernon<\/b> and glares.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 It\u2019s pleasant, is it not, to see so perfect a reconciliation?\u00a0 I think we might leave the two brothers together.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you will come with us.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Miss Prism.\u00a0 My little task of reconciliation is over.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 You have done a beautiful action to-day, dear child.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 We must not be premature in our judgments.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I feel very happy.\u00a0 [They all go off except Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You young scoundrel, Algy, you must get out of this place as soon as possible.\u00a0 I don\u2019t allow any Bunburying here.<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 I have put Mr. Ernest\u2019s things in the room next to yours, sir.\u00a0 I suppose that is all right?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What?<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest\u2019s luggage, sir.\u00a0 I have unpacked it and put it in the room next to your own.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 His luggage?<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 Three portmanteaus, a dressing-case, two hat-boxes, and a large luncheon-basket.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I can\u2019t stay more than a week this time.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Merriman, order the dog-cart at once.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest has been suddenly called back to town.<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Goes back into the house.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What a fearful liar you are, Jack.\u00a0 I have not been called back to town at all.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, you have.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t heard any one call me.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your duty as a gentleman calls you back.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My duty as a gentleman has never interfered with my pleasures in the smallest degree.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I can quite understand that.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, Cecily is a darling.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are not to talk of Miss Cardew like that.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like it.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t like your clothes.\u00a0 You look perfectly ridiculous in them.\u00a0 Why on earth don\u2019t you go up and change?\u00a0 It is perfectly childish to be in deep mourning for a man who is actually staying for a whole week with you in your house as a guest.\u00a0 I call it grotesque.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are certainly not staying with me for a whole week as a guest or anything else.\u00a0 You have got to leave . . . by the four-five train.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I certainly won\u2019t leave you so long as you are in mourning.\u00a0 It would be most unfriendly.\u00a0 If I were in mourning you would stay with me, I suppose.\u00a0 I should think it very unkind if you didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, will you go if I change my clothes?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, if you are not too long.\u00a0 I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, at any rate, that is better than being always over-dressed as you are.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 If I am occasionally a little over-dressed, I make up for it by being always immensely over-educated.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your vanity is ridiculous, your conduct an outrage, and your presence in my garden utterly absurd.\u00a0 However, you have got to catch the four-five, and I hope you will have a pleasant journey back to town.\u00a0 This Bunburying, as you call it, has not been a great success for you.<\/p>\n

[Goes into the house.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it has been a great success.\u00a0 I\u2019m in love with Cecily, and that is everything.<\/p>\n

[Enter Cecily<\/b> at the back of the garden.\u00a0 She picks up the can and begins to water the flowers.]\u00a0 But I must see her before I go, and make arrangements for another Bunbury.\u00a0 Ah, there she is.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I merely came back to water the roses.\u00a0 I thought you were with Uncle Jack.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 He\u2019s gone to order the dog-cart for me.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, is he going to take you for a nice drive?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 He\u2019s going to send me away.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Then have we got to part?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid so.\u00a0 It\u2019s a very painful parting.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is always painful to part from people whom one has known for a very brief space of time.\u00a0 The absence of old friends one can endure with equanimity.\u00a0 But even a momentary separation from anyone to whom one has just been introduced is almost unbearable.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 The dog-cart is at the door, sir.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> looks appealingly at Cecily<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It can wait, Merriman for . . . five minutes.<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 [Exit Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope, Cecily, I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly and openly that you seem to me to be in every way the visible personification of absolute perfection.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I think your frankness does you great credit, Ernest.\u00a0 If you will allow me, I will copy your remarks into my diary.\u00a0 [Goes over to table and begins writing in diary.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you really keep a diary?\u00a0 I\u2019d give anything to look at it.\u00a0 May I?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no.\u00a0 [Puts her hand over it.]\u00a0 You see, it is simply a very young girl\u2019s record of her own thoughts and impressions, and consequently meant for publication.\u00a0 When it appears in volume form I hope you will order a copy.\u00a0 But pray, Ernest, don\u2019t stop.\u00a0 I delight in taking down from dictation.\u00a0 I have reached \u2018absolute perfection\u2019.\u00a0 You can go on.\u00a0 I am quite ready for more.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat taken aback.]\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, don\u2019t cough, Ernest.\u00a0 When one is dictating one should speak fluently and not cough.\u00a0 Besides, I don\u2019t know how to spell a cough.\u00a0 [Writes as Algernon<\/b> speaks.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Speaking very rapidly.]\u00a0 Cecily, ever since I first looked upon your wonderful and incomparable beauty, I have dared to love you wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that you should tell me that you love me wildly, passionately, devotedly, hopelessly.\u00a0 Hopelessly doesn\u2019t seem to make much sense, does it?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 The dog-cart is waiting, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Tell it to come round next week, at the same hour.<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looks at Cecily<\/b>, who makes no sign.]\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

[Merriman<\/b> retires.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack would be very much annoyed if he knew you were staying on till next week, at the same hour.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I don\u2019t care about Jack.\u00a0 I don\u2019t care for anybody in the whole world but you.\u00a0 I love you, Cecily.\u00a0 You will marry me, won\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You silly boy!\u00a0 Of course.\u00a0 Why, we have been engaged for the last three months.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 For the last three months?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, it will be exactly three months on Thursday.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But how did we become engaged?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, ever since dear Uncle Jack first confessed to us that he had a younger brother who was very wicked and bad, you of course have formed the chief topic of conversation between myself and Miss Prism.\u00a0 And of course a man who is much talked about is always very attractive.\u00a0 One feels there must be something in him, after all.\u00a0 I daresay it was foolish of me, but I fell in love with you, Ernest.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 And when was the engagement actually settled?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 On the 14th of February last.\u00a0 Worn out by your entire ignorance of my existence, I determined to end the matter one way or the other, and after a long struggle with myself I accepted you under this dear old tree here.\u00a0 The next day I bought this little ring in your name, and this is the little bangle with the true lover\u2019s knot I promised you always to wear.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did I give you this?\u00a0 It\u2019s very pretty, isn\u2019t it?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, you\u2019ve wonderfully good taste, Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s the excuse I\u2019ve always given for your leading such a bad life.\u00a0 And this is the box in which I keep all your dear letters.\u00a0 [Kneels at table, opens box, and produces letters tied up with blue ribbon.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My letters!\u00a0 But, my own sweet Cecily, I have never written you any letters.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You need hardly remind me of that, Ernest.\u00a0 I remember only too well that I was forced to write your letters for you.\u00a0 I wrote always three times a week, and sometimes oftener.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, do let me read them, Cecily?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I couldn\u2019t possibly.\u00a0 They would make you far too conceited.\u00a0 [Replaces box.]\u00a0 The three you wrote me after I had broken off the engagement are so beautiful, and so badly spelled, that even now I can hardly read them without crying a little.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But was our engagement ever broken off?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it was.\u00a0 On the 22nd of last March.\u00a0 You can see the entry if you like. [Shows diary.]\u00a0 \u2018To-day I broke off my engagement with Ernest.\u00a0 I feel it is better to do so.\u00a0 The weather still continues charming.\u2019<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But why on earth did you break it off?\u00a0 What had I done?\u00a0 I had done nothing at all.\u00a0 Cecily, I am very much hurt indeed to hear you broke it off.\u00a0 Particularly when the weather was so charming.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It would hardly have been a really serious engagement if it hadn\u2019t been broken off at least once.\u00a0 But I forgave you before the week was out.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Crossing to her, and kneeling.]\u00a0 What a perfect angel you are, Cecily.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You dear romantic boy.\u00a0 [He kisses her, she puts her fingers through his hair.]\u00a0 I hope your hair curls naturally, does it?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, darling, with a little help from others.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am so glad.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019ll never break off our engagement again, Cecily?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I could break it off now that I have actually met you.\u00a0 Besides, of course, there is the question of your name.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 [Nervously.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 You must not laugh at me, darling, but it had always been a girlish dream of mine to love some one whose name was Ernest.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> rises, Cecily<\/b> also.]\u00a0 There is something in that name that seems to inspire absolute confidence.\u00a0 I pity any poor married woman whose husband is not called Ernest.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But, my dear child, do you mean to say you could not love me if I had some other name?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But what name?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, any name you like\u2014Algernon\u2014for instance . . .<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I don\u2019t like the name of Algernon.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my own dear, sweet, loving little darling, I really can\u2019t see why you should object to the name of Algernon.\u00a0 It is not at all a bad name.\u00a0 In fact, it is rather an aristocratic name.\u00a0 Half of the chaps who get into the Bankruptcy Court are called Algernon.\u00a0 But seriously, Cecily . . . [Moving to her] . . . if my name was Algy, couldn\u2019t you love me?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 I might respect you, Ernest, I might admire your character, but I fear that I should not be able to give you my undivided attention.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Picking up hat.]\u00a0 Your Rector here is, I suppose, thoroughly experienced in the practice of all the rites and ceremonials of the Church?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, yes.\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble is a most learned man.\u00a0 He has never written a single book, so you can imagine how much he knows.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I must see him at once on a most important christening\u2014I mean on most important business.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shan\u2019t be away more than half an hour.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Considering that we have been engaged since February the 14th, and that I only met you to-day for the first time, I think it is rather hard that you should leave me for so long a period as half an hour.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you make it twenty minutes?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll be back in no time.<\/p>\n

[Kisses her and rushes down the garden.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What an impetuous boy he is!\u00a0 I like his hair so much.\u00a0 I must enter his proposal in my diary.<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 A Miss Fairfax has just called to see Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 On very important business, Miss Fairfax states.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Isn\u2019t Mr. Worthing in his library?<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing went over in the direction of the Rectory some time ago.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray ask the lady to come out here; Mr. Worthing is sure to be back soon.\u00a0 And you can bring tea.<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Miss.\u00a0 [Goes out.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax!\u00a0 I suppose one of the many good elderly women who are associated with Uncle Jack in some of his philanthropic work in London.\u00a0 I don\u2019t quite like women who are interested in philanthropic work.\u00a0 I think it is so forward of them.<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

[Exit Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to meet her.]\u00a0 Pray let me introduce myself to you.\u00a0 My name is Cecily Cardew.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily Cardew?\u00a0 [Moving to her and shaking hands.]\u00a0 What a very sweet name!\u00a0 Something tells me that we are going to be great friends.\u00a0 I like you already more than I can say.\u00a0 My first impressions of people are never wrong.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 How nice of you to like me so much after we have known each other such a comparatively short time.\u00a0 Pray sit down.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still standing up.]\u00a0 I may call you Cecily, may I not?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 With pleasure!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 And you will always call me Gwendolen, won\u2019t you?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 If you wish.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then that is all quite settled, is it not?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope so.\u00a0 [A pause.\u00a0 They both sit down together.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Perhaps this might be a favourable opportunity for my mentioning who I am.\u00a0 My father is Lord Bracknell.\u00a0 You have never heard of papa, I suppose?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think so.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Outside the family circle, papa, I am glad to say, is entirely unknown.\u00a0 I think that is quite as it should be.\u00a0 The home seems to me to be the proper sphere for the man.\u00a0 And certainly once a man begins to neglect his domestic duties he becomes painfully effeminate, does he not?\u00a0 And I don\u2019t like that.\u00a0 It makes men so very attractive.\u00a0 Cecily, mamma, whose views on education are remarkably strict, has brought me up to be extremely short-sighted; it is part of her system; so do you mind my looking at you through my glasses?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! not at all, Gwendolen.\u00a0 I am very fond of being looked at.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After examining Cecily<\/b> carefully through a lorgnette.]\u00a0 You are here on a short visit, I suppose.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I live here.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Really?\u00a0 Your mother, no doubt, or some female relative of advanced years, resides here also?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I have no mother, nor, in fact, any relations.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Indeed?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear guardian, with the assistance of Miss Prism, has the arduous task of looking after me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am Mr. Worthing\u2019s ward.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward.\u00a0 How secretive of him!\u00a0 He grows more interesting hourly.\u00a0 I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with feelings of unmixed delight.\u00a0 [Rising and going to her.]\u00a0 I am very fond of you, Cecily; I have liked you ever since I met you!\u00a0 But I am bound to state that now that I know that you are Mr. Worthing\u2019s ward, I cannot help expressing a wish you were\u2014well, just a little older than you seem to be\u2014and not quite so very alluring in appearance.\u00a0 In fact, if I may speak candidly\u2014<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray do!\u00a0 I think that whenever one has anything unpleasant to say, one should always be quite candid.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, to speak with perfect candour, Cecily, I wish that you were fully forty-two, and more than usually plain for your age.\u00a0 Ernest has a strong upright nature.\u00a0 He is the very soul of truth and honour.\u00a0 Disloyalty would be as impossible to him as deception.\u00a0 But even men of the noblest possible moral character are extremely susceptible to the influence of the physical charms of others.\u00a0 Modern, no less than Ancient History, supplies us with many most painful examples of what I refer to.\u00a0 If it were not so, indeed, History would be quite unreadable.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon, Gwendolen, did you say Ernest?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, but it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is my guardian.\u00a0 It is his brother\u2014his elder brother.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 Ernest never mentioned to me that he had a brother.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sorry to say they have not been on good terms for a long time.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! that accounts for it.\u00a0 And now that I think of it I have never heard any man mention his brother.\u00a0 The subject seems distasteful to most men.\u00a0 Cecily, you have lifted a load from my mind.\u00a0 I was growing almost anxious.\u00a0 It would have been terrible if any cloud had come across a friendship like ours, would it not?\u00a0 Of course you are quite, quite sure that it is not Mr. Ernest Worthing who is your guardian?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite sure.\u00a0 [A pause.]\u00a0 In fact, I am going to be his.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inquiringly.]\u00a0 I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rather shy and confidingly.]\u00a0 Dearest Gwendolen, there is no reason why I should make a secret of it to you.\u00a0 Our little county newspaper is sure to chronicle the fact next week.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing and I are engaged to be married.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite politely, rising.]\u00a0 My darling Cecily, I think there must be some slight error.\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing is engaged to me.\u00a0 The announcement will appear in the Morning Post<\/i> on Saturday at the latest.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very politely, rising.]\u00a0 I am afraid you must be under some misconception.\u00a0 Ernest proposed to me exactly ten minutes ago.\u00a0 [Shows diary.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Examines diary through her lorgnettte carefully.]\u00a0 It is certainly very curious, for he asked me to be his wife yesterday afternoon at 5.30.\u00a0 If you would care to verify the incident, pray do so.\u00a0 [Produces diary of her own.]\u00a0 I never travel without my diary.\u00a0 One should always have something sensational to read in the train.\u00a0 I am so sorry, dear Cecily, if it is any disappointment to you, but I am afraid I have the prior claim.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It would distress me more than I can tell you, dear Gwendolen, if it caused you any mental or physical anguish, but I feel bound to point out that since Ernest proposed to you he clearly has changed his mind.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 If the poor fellow has been entrapped into any foolish promise I shall consider it my duty to rescue him at once, and with a firm hand.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Thoughtfully and sadly.]\u00a0 Whatever unfortunate entanglement my dear boy may have got into, I will never reproach him with it after we are married.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you allude to me, Miss Cardew, as an entanglement?\u00a0 You are presumptuous.\u00a0 On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one\u2019s mind.\u00a0 It becomes a pleasure.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you suggest, Miss Fairfax, that I entrapped Ernest into an engagement?\u00a0 How dare you?\u00a0 This is no time for wearing the shallow mask of manners.\u00a0 When I see a spade I call it a spade.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Satirically.]\u00a0 I am glad to say that I have never seen a spade.\u00a0 It is obvious that our social spheres have been widely different.<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>, followed by the footman.\u00a0 He carries a salver, table cloth, and plate stand.\u00a0 Cecily<\/b> is about to retort.\u00a0 The presence of the servants exercises a restraining influence, under which both girls chafe.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Shall I lay tea here as usual, Miss?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly, in a calm voice.]\u00a0 Yes, as usual.\u00a0 [Merriman<\/b> begins to clear table and lay cloth.\u00a0 A long pause.\u00a0Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> glare at each other.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Are there many interesting walks in the vicinity, Miss Cardew?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! yes! a great many.\u00a0 From the top of one of the hills quite close one can see five counties.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Five counties!\u00a0 I don\u2019t think I should like that; I hate crowds.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sweetly.]\u00a0 I suppose that is why you live in town?\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> bites her lip, and beats her foot nervously with her parasol.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking round.]\u00a0 Quite a well-kept garden this is, Miss Cardew.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 So glad you like it, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I had no idea there were any flowers in the country.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, flowers are as common here, Miss Fairfax, as people are in London.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally I cannot understand how anybody manages to exist in the country, if anybody who is anybody does.\u00a0 The country always bores me to death.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah!\u00a0 This is what the newspapers call agricultural depression, is it not?\u00a0 I believe the aristocracy are suffering very much from it just at present.\u00a0 It is almost an epidemic amongst them, I have been told.\u00a0 May I offer you some tea, Miss Fairfax?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [With elaborate politeness.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 [Aside.]\u00a0 Detestable girl!\u00a0 But I require tea!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sweetly.]\u00a0 Sugar?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Superciliously.]\u00a0 No, thank you.\u00a0 Sugar is not fashionable any more. [Cecily<\/b> looks angrily at her, takes up the tongs and puts four lumps of sugar into the cup.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Cake or bread and butter?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a bored manner.]\u00a0 Bread and butter, please.\u00a0 Cake is rarely seen at the best houses nowadays.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Cuts a very large slice of cake, and puts it on the tray.]\u00a0 Hand that to Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Merriman<\/b> does so, and goes out with footman.\u00a0 Gwendolen<\/b> drinks the tea and makes a grimace.\u00a0 Puts down cup at once, reaches out her hand to the bread and butter, looks at it, and finds it is cake.\u00a0 Rises in indignation.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You have filled my tea with lumps of sugar, and though I asked most distinctly for bread and butter, you have given me cake.\u00a0 I am known for the gentleness of my disposition, and the extraordinary sweetness of my nature, but I warn you, Miss Cardew, you may go too far.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 To save my poor, innocent, trusting boy from the machinations of any other girl there are no lengths to which I would not go.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 From the moment I saw you I distrusted you.\u00a0 I felt that you were false and deceitful.\u00a0 I am never deceived in such matters.\u00a0 My first impressions of people are invariably right.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It seems to me, Miss Fairfax, that I am trespassing on your valuable time.\u00a0 No doubt you have many other calls of a similar character to make in the neighbourhood.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Catching sight of him.]\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [Offers to kiss her.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Draws back.]\u00a0 A moment!\u00a0 May I ask if you are engaged to be married to this young lady?\u00a0 [Points toCecily<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Laughing.]\u00a0 To dear little Cecily!\u00a0 Of course not!\u00a0 What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 You may!\u00a0 [Offers her cheek.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very sweetly.]\u00a0 I knew there must be some misunderstanding, Miss Fairfax.\u00a0 The gentleman whose arm is at present round your waist is my guardian, Mr. John Worthing.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 This is Uncle Jack.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Receding.]\u00a0 Jack!\u00a0 Oh!<\/p>\n

[Enter Algernon<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Here is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Goes straight over to Cecily<\/b> without noticing any one else.]\u00a0 My own love!\u00a0 [Offers to kiss her.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Drawing back.]\u00a0 A moment, Ernest!\u00a0 May I ask you\u2014are you engaged to be married to this young lady?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking round.]\u00a0 To what young lady?\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes! to good heavens, Gwendolen, I mean to Gwendolen.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Laughing.]\u00a0 Of course not!\u00a0 What could have put such an idea into your pretty little head?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 [Presenting her cheek to be kissed.]\u00a0 You may.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> kisses her.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I felt there was some slight error, Miss Cardew.\u00a0 The gentleman who is now embracing you is my cousin, Mr. Algernon Moncrieff.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Breaking away from Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff!\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 [The two girls move towards each other and put their arms round each other\u2019s waists as if for protection.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Are you called Algernon?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I cannot deny it.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Is your name really John?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Standing rather proudly.]\u00a0 I could deny it if I liked.\u00a0 I could deny anything if I liked.\u00a0 But my name certainly is John.\u00a0 It has been John for years.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 A gross deception has been practised on both of us.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My poor wounded Cecily!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 My sweet wronged Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Slowly and seriously.]\u00a0 You will call me sister, will you not?\u00a0 [They embrace.\u00a0 Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> groan and walk up and down.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rather brightly.]\u00a0 There is just one question I would like to be allowed to ask my guardian.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An admirable idea!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is just one question I would like to be permitted to put to you.\u00a0 Where is your brother Ernest?\u00a0 We are both engaged to be married to your brother Ernest, so it is a matter of some importance to us to know where your brother Ernest is at present.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Slowly and hesitatingly.]\u00a0 Gwendolen\u2014Cecily\u2014it is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth.\u00a0 It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 However, I will tell you quite frankly that I have no brother Ernest.\u00a0 I have no brother at all.\u00a0 I never had a brother in my life, and I certainly have not the smallest intention of ever having one in the future.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Surprised.]\u00a0 No brother at all?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Cheerily.]\u00a0 None!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 Had you never a brother of any kind?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pleasantly.]\u00a0 Never.\u00a0 Not even of any kind.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid it is quite clear, Cecily, that neither of us is engaged to be married to any one.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 It is not a very pleasant position for a young girl suddenly to find herself in.\u00a0 Is it?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us go into the house.\u00a0 They will hardly venture to come after us there.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 No, men are so cowardly, aren\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

[They retire into the house with scornful looks.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 This ghastly state of things is what you call Bunburying, I suppose?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, and a perfectly wonderful Bunbury it is.\u00a0 The most wonderful Bunbury I have ever had in my life.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you\u2019ve no right whatsoever to Bunbury here.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is absurd.\u00a0 One has a right to Bunbury anywhere one chooses.\u00a0 Every serious Bunburyist knows that.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Serious Bunburyist!\u00a0 Good heavens!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, one must be serious about something, if one wants to have any amusement in life.\u00a0 I happen to be serious about Bunburying.\u00a0 What on earth you are serious about I haven\u2019t got the remotest idea.\u00a0 About everything, I should fancy.\u00a0 You have such an absolutely trivial nature.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, the only small satisfaction I have in the whole of this wretched business is that your friend Bunbury is quite exploded.\u00a0 You won\u2019t be able to run down to the country quite so often as you used to do, dear Algy.\u00a0 And a very good thing too.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your brother is a little off colour, isn\u2019t he, dear Jack?\u00a0 You won\u2019t be able to disappear to London quite so frequently as your wicked custom was.\u00a0 And not a bad thing either.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew, I must say that your taking in a sweet, simple, innocent girl like that is quite inexcusable.\u00a0 To say nothing of the fact that she is my ward.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I can see no possible defence at all for your deceiving a brilliant, clever, thoroughly experienced young lady like Miss Fairfax.\u00a0 To say nothing of the fact that she is my cousin.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I wanted to be engaged to Gwendolen, that is all.\u00a0 I love her.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I simply wanted to be engaged to Cecily.\u00a0 I adore her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is certainly no chance of your marrying Miss Cardew.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think there is much likelihood, Jack, of you and Miss Fairfax being united.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is no business of yours.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 If it was my business, I wouldn\u2019t talk about it.\u00a0 [Begins to eat muffins.]\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk about one\u2019s business.\u00a0 Only people like stock-brokers do that, and then merely at dinner parties.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How can you sit there, calmly eating muffins when we are in this horrible trouble, I can\u2019t make out.\u00a0 You seem to me to be perfectly heartless.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I can\u2019t eat muffins in an agitated manner.\u00a0 The butter would probably get on my cuffs.\u00a0 One should always eat muffins quite calmly.\u00a0 It is the only way to eat them.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I say it\u2019s perfectly heartless your eating muffins at all, under the circumstances.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 When I am in trouble, eating is the only thing that consoles me.\u00a0 Indeed, when I am in really great trouble, as any one who knows me intimately will tell you, I refuse everything except food and drink.\u00a0 At the present moment I am eating muffins because I am unhappy.\u00a0 Besides, I am particularly fond of muffins.\u00a0 [Rising.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising.]\u00a0 Well, that is no reason why you should eat them all in that greedy way. [Takes muffins fromAlgernon<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Offering tea-cake.]\u00a0 I wish you would have tea-cake instead.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like tea-cake.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I said it was perfectly heartless of you, under the circumstances.\u00a0 That is a very different thing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That may be.\u00a0 But the muffins are the same.\u00a0 [He seizes the muffin-dish from Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, I wish to goodness you would go.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You can\u2019t possibly ask me to go without having some dinner.\u00a0 It\u2019s absurd.\u00a0 I never go without my dinner.\u00a0 No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that.\u00a0 Besides I have just made arrangements with Dr. Chasuble to be christened at a quarter to six under the name of Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the sooner you give up that nonsense the better.\u00a0 I made arrangements this morning with Dr. Chasuble to be christened myself at 5.30, and I naturally will take the name of Ernest.\u00a0 Gwendolen would wish it.\u00a0 We can\u2019t both be christened Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s absurd.\u00a0 Besides, I have a perfect right to be christened if I like.\u00a0 There is no evidence at all that I have ever been christened by anybody.\u00a0 I should think it extremely probable I never was, and so does Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 It is entirely different in your case.\u00a0 You have been christened already.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but I have not been christened for years.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you have been christened.\u00a0 That is the important thing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Quite so.\u00a0 So I know my constitution can stand it.\u00a0 If you are not quite sure about your ever having been christened, I must say I think it rather dangerous your venturing on it now.\u00a0 It might make you very unwell.\u00a0 You can hardly have forgotten that some one very closely connected with you was very nearly carried off this week in Paris by a severe chill.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you said yourself that a severe chill was not hereditary.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It usen\u2019t to be, I know\u2014but I daresay it is now.\u00a0 Science is always making wonderful improvements in things.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up the muffin-dish.]\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense; you are always talking nonsense.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack, you are at the muffins again!\u00a0 I wish you wouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 There are only two left.\u00a0 [Takes them.]\u00a0 I told you I was particularly fond of muffins.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But I hate tea-cake.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth then do you allow tea-cake to be served up for your guests?\u00a0 What ideas you have of hospitality!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algernon!\u00a0 I have already told you to go.\u00a0 I don\u2019t want you here.\u00a0 Why don\u2019t you go!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t quite finished my tea yet! and there is still one muffin left.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> groans, and sinks into a chair.\u00a0Algernon<\/b> still continues eating.]<\/p>\n

ACT DROP<\/p>\n

THIRD ACT<\/h2>\n

SCENE<\/h3>\n

Morning-room at the Manor House.<\/p>\n

[Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> are at the window, looking out into the garden.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The fact that they did not follow us at once into the house, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have been eating muffins.\u00a0 That looks like repentance.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 They don\u2019t seem to notice us at all.\u00a0 Couldn\u2019t you cough?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 But I haven\u2019t got a cough.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re looking at us.\u00a0 What effrontery!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They\u2019re approaching.\u00a0 That\u2019s very forward of them.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Let us preserve a dignified silence.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 It\u2019s the only thing to do now.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> followed by Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 They whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 A most distasteful one.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But we will not be the first to speak.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly not.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you.\u00a0 Much depends on your reply.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable.\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question.\u00a0 Why did you pretend to be my guardian\u2019s brother?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, dear, if you can believe him.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t.\u00a0 But that does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True.\u00a0 In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity is the vital thing.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother?\u00a0 Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I have the gravest doubts upon the subject.\u00a0 But I intend to crush them.\u00a0 This is not the moment for German scepticism.\u00a0 [Moving to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing\u2019s.\u00a0 That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I am more than content with what Mr. Moncrieff said.\u00a0 His voice alone inspires one with absolute credulity.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Then you think we should forgive them?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 I mean no.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 True!\u00a0 I had forgotten.\u00a0 There are principles at stake that one cannot surrender.\u00a0 Which of us should tell them?\u00a0 The task is not a pleasant one.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Could we not both speak at the same time?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 An excellent idea!\u00a0 I nearly always speak at the same time as other people.\u00a0 Will you take the time from me?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> beats time with uplifted finger.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Your Christian names are still an insuperable barrier.\u00a0 That is all!<\/p>\n

Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> [Speaking together.]\u00a0 Our Christian names!\u00a0 Is that all?\u00a0 But we are going to be christened this afternoon.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 For my sake you are prepared to do this terrible thing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 To please me you are ready to face this fearful ordeal?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How absurd to talk of the equality of the sexes!\u00a0 Where questions of self-sacrifice are concerned, men are infinitely beyond us.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 We are.\u00a0 [Clasps hands with Algernon<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 They have moments of physical courage of which we women know absolutely nothing.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 [They fall into each other\u2019s arms.]<\/p>\n

[Enter Merriman<\/b>.\u00a0 When he enters he coughs loudly, seeing the situation.]<\/p>\n

Merriman.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Lady Bracknell!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!<\/p>\n

[Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.\u00a0 The couples separate in alarm.\u00a0 Exit Merriman<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 What does this mean?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Merely that I am engaged to be married to Mr. Worthing, mamma.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Come here.\u00a0 Sit down.\u00a0 Sit down immediately.\u00a0 Hesitation of any kind is a sign of mental decay in the young, of physical weakness in the old.\u00a0 [Turns to Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 Apprised, sir, of my daughter\u2019s sudden flight by her trusty maid, whose confidence I purchased by means of a small coin, I followed her at once by a luggage train.\u00a0 Her unhappy father is, I am glad to say, under the impression that she is attending a more than usually lengthy lecture by the University Extension Scheme on the Influence of a permanent income on Thought.\u00a0 I do not propose to undeceive him.\u00a0 Indeed I have never undeceived him on any question.\u00a0 I would consider it wrong.\u00a0 But of course, you will clearly understand that all communication between yourself and my daughter must cease immediately from this moment.\u00a0 On this point, as indeed on all points, I am firm.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Gwendolen Lady Bracknell!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are nothing of the kind, sir.\u00a0 And now, as regards Algernon! . . . Algernon!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask if it is in this house that your invalid friend Mr. Bunbury resides?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stammering.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 No!\u00a0 Bunbury doesn\u2019t live here.\u00a0 Bunbury is somewhere else at present.\u00a0 In fact, Bunbury is dead.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Dead!\u00a0 When did Mr. Bunbury die?\u00a0 His death must have been extremely sudden.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 I killed Bunbury this afternoon.\u00a0 I mean poor Bunbury died this afternoon.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 What did he die of?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunbury?\u00a0 Oh, he was quite exploded.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Exploded!\u00a0 Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?\u00a0 I was not aware that Mr. Bunbury was interested in social legislation.\u00a0 If so, he is well punished for his morbidity.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Aunt Augusta, I mean he was found out!\u00a0 The doctors found out that Bunbury could not live, that is what I mean\u2014so Bunbury died.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 He seems to have had great confidence in the opinion of his physicians.\u00a0 I am glad, however, that he made up his mind at the last to some definite course of action, and acted under proper medical advice.\u00a0 And now that we have finally got rid of this Mr. Bunbury, may I ask, Mr. Worthing, who is that young person whose hand my nephew Algernon is now holding in what seems to me a peculiarly unnecessary manner?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That lady is Miss Cecily Cardew, my ward.\u00a0 [Lady Bracknell<\/b> bows coldly to Cecily<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to be married to Cecily, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Moncrieff and I are engaged to be married, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [With a shiver, crossing to the sofa and sitting down.]\u00a0 I do not know whether there is anything peculiarly exciting in the air of this particular part of Hertfordshire, but the number of engagements that go on seems to me considerably above the proper average that statistics have laid down for our guidance.\u00a0 I think some preliminary inquiry on my part would not be out of place.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, is Miss Cardew at all connected with any of the larger railway stations in London?\u00a0 I merely desire information.\u00a0 Until yesterday I had no idea that there were any families or persons whose origin was a Terminus.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks perfectly furious, but restrains himself.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a clear, cold voice.]\u00a0 Miss Cardew is the grand-daughter of the late Mr. Thomas Cardew of 149 Belgrave Square, S.W.; Gervase Park, Dorking, Surrey; and the Sporran, Fifeshire, N.B.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That sounds not unsatisfactory.\u00a0 Three addresses always inspire confidence, even in tradesmen.\u00a0 But what proof have I of their authenticity?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have carefully preserved the Court Guides of the period.\u00a0 They are open to your inspection, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Grimly.]\u00a0 I have known strange errors in that publication.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Cardew\u2019s family solicitors are Messrs. Markby, Markby, and Markby.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Markby, Markby, and Markby?\u00a0 A firm of the very highest position in their profession.\u00a0 Indeed I am told that one of the Mr. Markby\u2019s is occasionally to be seen at dinner parties.\u00a0 So far I am satisfied.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very irritably.]\u00a0 How extremely kind of you, Lady Bracknell!\u00a0 I have also in my possession, you will be pleased to hear, certificates of Miss Cardew\u2019s birth, baptism, whooping cough, registration, vaccination, confirmation, and the measles; both the German and the English variety.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah! A life crowded with incident, I see; though perhaps somewhat too exciting for a young girl.\u00a0 I am not myself in favour of premature experiences.\u00a0 [Rises, looks at her watch.]\u00a0 Gwendolen! the time approaches for our departure.\u00a0 We have not a moment to lose.\u00a0 As a matter of form, Mr. Worthing, I had better ask you if Miss Cardew has any little fortune?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! about a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the Funds.\u00a0 That is all.\u00a0 Goodbye, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 So pleased to have seen you.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down again.]\u00a0 A moment, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 A hundred and thirty thousand pounds!\u00a0 And in the Funds!\u00a0 Miss Cardew seems to me a most attractive young lady, now that I look at her.\u00a0 Few girls of the present day have any really solid qualities, any of the qualities that last, and improve with time.\u00a0 We live, I regret to say, in an age of surfaces.\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come over here, dear.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes across.]\u00a0 Pretty child! your dress is sadly simple, and your hair seems almost as Nature might have left it.\u00a0 But we can soon alter all that.\u00a0 A thoroughly experienced French maid produces a really marvellous result in a very brief space of time.\u00a0 I remember recommending one to young Lady Lancing, and after three months her own husband did not know her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 And after six months nobody knew her.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glares at Jack<\/b> for a few moments.\u00a0 Then bends, with a practised smile, to Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Kindly turn round, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> turns completely round.]\u00a0 No, the side view is what I want.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> presents her profile.]\u00a0 Yes, quite as I expected.\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in your profile.\u00a0 The two weak points in our age are its want of principle and its want of profile.\u00a0 The chin a little higher, dear.\u00a0 Style largely depends on the way the chin is worn.\u00a0 They are worn very high, just at present.\u00a0 Algernon!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Aunt Augusta!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 There are distinct social possibilities in Miss Cardew\u2019s profile.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily is the sweetest, dearest, prettiest girl in the whole world.\u00a0 And I don\u2019t care twopence about social possibilities.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Never speak disrespectfully of Society, Algernon.\u00a0 Only people who can\u2019t get into it do that.\u00a0 [ToCecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear child, of course you know that Algernon has nothing but his debts to depend upon.\u00a0 But I do not approve of mercenary marriages.\u00a0 When I married Lord Bracknell I had no fortune of any kind.\u00a0 But I never dreamed for a moment of allowing that to stand in my way.\u00a0 Well, I suppose I must give my consent.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily, you may kiss me!<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 [Kisses her.]\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also address me as Aunt Augusta for the future.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The marriage, I think, had better take place quite soon.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements.\u00a0 They give people the opportunity of finding out each other\u2019s character before marriage, which I think is never advisable.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I beg your pardon for interrupting you, Lady Bracknell, but this engagement is quite out of the question.\u00a0 I am Miss Cardew\u2019s guardian, and she cannot marry without my consent until she comes of age.\u00a0 That consent I absolutely decline to give.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon what grounds may I ask?\u00a0 Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man.\u00a0 He has nothing, but he looks everything.\u00a0 What more can one desire?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 It pains me very much to have to speak frankly to you, Lady Bracknell, about your nephew, but the fact is that I do not approve at all of his moral character.\u00a0 I suspect him of being untruthful.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> and Cecily<\/b> look at him in indignant amazement.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Untruthful!\u00a0 My nephew Algernon?\u00a0 Impossible!\u00a0 He is an Oxonian.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I fear there can be no possible doubt about the matter.\u00a0 This afternoon during my temporary absence in London on an important question of romance, he obtained admission to my house by means of the false pretence of being my brother.\u00a0 Under an assumed name he drank, I\u2019ve just been informed by my butler, an entire pint bottle of my Perrier-Jouet, Brut, \u201989; wine I was specially reserving for myself.\u00a0 Continuing his disgraceful deception, he succeeded in the course of the afternoon in alienating the affections of my only ward.\u00a0 He subsequently stayed to tea, and devoured every single muffin.\u00a0 And what makes his conduct all the more heartless is, that he was perfectly well aware from the first that I have no brother, that I never had a brother, and that I don\u2019t intend to have a brother, not even of any kind.\u00a0 I distinctly told him so myself yesterday afternoon.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ahem!\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, after careful consideration I have decided entirely to overlook my nephew\u2019s conduct to you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is very generous of you, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 My own decision, however, is unalterable.\u00a0 I decline to give my consent.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Cecily<\/b>.]\u00a0 Come here, sweet child.\u00a0 [Cecily<\/b> goes over.]\u00a0 How old are you, dear?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am really only eighteen, but I always admit to twenty when I go to evening parties.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 You are perfectly right in making some slight alteration.\u00a0 Indeed, no woman should ever be quite accurate about her age.\u00a0 It looks so calculating . . . [In a meditative manner.]\u00a0 Eighteen, but admitting to twenty at evening parties.\u00a0 Well, it will not be very long before you are of age and free from the restraints of tutelage.\u00a0 So I don\u2019t think your guardian\u2019s consent is, after all, a matter of any importance.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray excuse me, Lady Bracknell, for interrupting you again, but it is only fair to tell you that according to the terms of her grandfather\u2019s will Miss Cardew does not come legally of age till she is thirty-five.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That does not seem to me to be a grave objection.\u00a0 Thirty-five is a very attractive age.\u00a0 London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years.\u00a0 Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point.\u00a0 To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now.\u00a0 I see no reason why our dear Cecily should not be even still more attractive at the age you mention than she is at present.\u00a0 There will be a large accumulation of property.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, could you wait for me till I was thirty-five?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I could, Cecily.\u00a0 You know I could.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I felt it instinctively, but I couldn\u2019t wait all that time.\u00a0 I hate waiting even five minutes for anybody.\u00a0 It always makes me rather cross.\u00a0 I am not punctual myself, I know, but I do like punctuality in others, and waiting, even to be married, is quite out of the question.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then what is to be done, Cecily?<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t know, Mr. Moncrieff.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Mr. Worthing, as Miss Cardew states positively that she cannot wait till she is thirty-five\u2014a remark which I am bound to say seems to me to show a somewhat impatient nature\u2014I would beg of you to reconsider your decision.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But my dear Lady Bracknell, the matter is entirely in your own hands.\u00a0 The moment you consent to my marriage with Gwendolen, I will most gladly allow your nephew to form an alliance with my ward.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rising and drawing herself up.]\u00a0 You must be quite aware that what you propose is out of the question.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then a passionate celibacy is all that any of us can look forward to.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is not the destiny I propose for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Algernon, of course, can choose for himself.\u00a0 [Pulls out her watch.]\u00a0 Come, dear, [Gwendolen<\/b> rises] we have already missed five, if not six, trains.\u00a0 To miss any more might expose us to comment on the platform.<\/p>\n

[Enter Dr. Chasuble<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Everything is quite ready for the christenings.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The christenings, sir!\u00a0 Is not that somewhat premature?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking rather puzzled, and pointing to Jack<\/b> and Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Both these gentlemen have expressed a desire for immediate baptism.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 At their age?\u00a0 The idea is grotesque and irreligious!\u00a0 Algernon, I forbid you to be baptized.\u00a0 I will not hear of such excesses.\u00a0 Lord Bracknell would be highly displeased if he learned that that was the way in which you wasted your time and money.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Am I to understand then that there are to be no christenings at all this afternoon?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I don\u2019t think that, as things are now, it would be of much practical value to either of us, Dr. Chasuble.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 I am grieved to hear such sentiments from you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 They savour of the heretical views of the Anabaptists, views that I have completely refuted in four of my unpublished sermons.\u00a0 However, as your present mood seems to be one peculiarly secular, I will return to the church at once.\u00a0 Indeed, I have just been informed by the pew-opener that for the last hour and a half Miss Prism has been waiting for me in the vestry.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Starting.]\u00a0 Miss Prism!\u00a0 Did I hear you mention a Miss Prism?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I am on my way to join her.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray allow me to detain you for a moment.\u00a0 This matter may prove to be one of vital importance to Lord Bracknell and myself.\u00a0 Is this Miss Prism a female of repellent aspect, remotely connected with education?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Somewhat indignantly.]\u00a0 She is the most cultivated of ladies, and the very picture of respectability.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is obviously the same person.\u00a0 May I ask what position she holds in your household?<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Severely.]\u00a0 I am a celibate, madam.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Interposing.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, Lady Bracknell, has been for the last three years Miss Cardew\u2019s esteemed governess and valued companion.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In spite of what I hear of her, I must see her at once.\u00a0 Let her be sent for.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking off.]\u00a0 She approaches; she is nigh.<\/p>\n

[Enter Miss Prism<\/b> hurriedly.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I was told you expected me in the vestry, dear Canon.\u00a0 I have been waiting for you there for an hour and three-quarters.\u00a0 [Catches sight of Lady Bracknell<\/b>, who has fixed her with a stony glare.\u00a0 Miss Prism<\/b> grows pale and quails.\u00a0 She looks anxiously round as if desirous to escape.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a severe, judicial voice.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> bows her head in shame.]\u00a0 Come here, Prism!\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> approaches in a humble manner.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [General consternation.\u00a0 The Canon<\/b> starts back in horror.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> and Jack<\/b> pretend to be anxious to shield Cecily<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> from hearing the details of a terrible public scandal.]\u00a0 Twenty-eight years ago, Prism, you left Lord Bracknell\u2019s house, Number 104, Upper Grosvenor Street, in charge of a perambulator that contained a baby of the male sex.\u00a0 You never returned.\u00a0 A few weeks later, through the elaborate investigations of the Metropolitan police, the perambulator was discovered at midnight, standing by itself in a remote corner of Bayswater.\u00a0 It contained the manuscript of a three-volume novel of more than usually revolting sentimentality.\u00a0 [Miss Prism<\/b> starts in involuntary indignation.]\u00a0 But the baby was not there!\u00a0 [Every one looks at Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Prism!\u00a0 Where is that baby?\u00a0 [A pause.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I admit with shame that I do not know.\u00a0 I only wish I did.\u00a0 The plain facts of the case are these.\u00a0 On the morning of the day you mention, a day that is for ever branded on my memory, I prepared as usual to take the baby out in its perambulator.\u00a0 I had also with me a somewhat old, but capacious hand-bag in which I had intended to place the manuscript of a work of fiction that I had written during my few unoccupied hours.\u00a0 In a moment of mental abstraction, for which I never can forgive myself, I deposited the manuscript in the basinette, and placed the baby in the hand-bag.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Who has been listening attentively.]\u00a0 But where did you deposit the hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 Do not ask me, Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Prism, this is a matter of no small importance to me.\u00a0 I insist on knowing where you deposited the hand-bag that contained that infant.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 I left it in the cloak-room of one of the larger railway stations in London.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What railway station?<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Quite crushed.]\u00a0 Victoria.\u00a0 The Brighton line.\u00a0 [Sinks into a chair.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I must retire to my room for a moment.\u00a0 Gwendolen, wait here for me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.\u00a0 [Exit Jack<\/b> in great excitement.]<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 What do you think this means, Lady Bracknell?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I dare not even suspect, Dr. Chasuble.\u00a0 I need hardly tell you that in families of high position strange coincidences are not supposed to occur.\u00a0 They are hardly considered the thing.<\/p>\n

[Noises heard overhead as if some one was throwing trunks about.\u00a0 Every one looks up.]<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 Uncle Jack seems strangely agitated.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 Your guardian has a very emotional nature.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 This noise is extremely unpleasant.\u00a0 It sounds as if he was having an argument.\u00a0 I dislike arguments of any kind.\u00a0 They are always vulgar, and often convincing.<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [Looking up.]\u00a0 It has stopped now.\u00a0 [The noise is redoubled.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I wish he would arrive at some conclusion.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 This suspense is terrible.\u00a0 I hope it will last.\u00a0 [Enter Jack<\/b> with a hand-bag of black leather in his hand.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Rushing over to Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 Is this the hand-bag, Miss Prism?\u00a0 Examine it carefully before you speak.\u00a0 The happiness of more than one life depends on your answer.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Calmly.]\u00a0 It seems to be mine.\u00a0 Yes, here is the injury it received through the upsetting of a Gower Street omnibus in younger and happier days.\u00a0 Here is the stain on the lining caused by the explosion of a temperance beverage, an incident that occurred at Leamington.\u00a0 And here, on the lock, are my initials.\u00a0 I had forgotten that in an extravagant mood I had had them placed there.\u00a0 The bag is undoubtedly mine.\u00a0 I am delighted to have it so unexpectedly restored to me.\u00a0 It has been a great inconvenience being without it all these years.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a pathetic voice.]\u00a0 Miss Prism, more is restored to you than this hand-bag.\u00a0 I was the baby you placed in it.<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Amazed.]\u00a0 You?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Embracing her.]\u00a0 Yes . . . mother!<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Recoiling in indignant astonishment.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 I am unmarried!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Unmarried!\u00a0 I do not deny that is a serious blow.\u00a0 But after all, who has the right to cast a stone against one who has suffered?\u00a0 Cannot repentance wipe out an act of folly?\u00a0 Why should there be one law for men, and another for women?\u00a0 Mother, I forgive you.\u00a0 [Tries to embrace her again.]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Still more indignant.]\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, there is some error.\u00a0 [Pointing to Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]\u00a0 There is the lady who can tell you who you really are.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After a pause.]\u00a0 Lady Bracknell, I hate to seem inquisitive, but would you kindly inform me who I am?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid that the news I have to give you will not altogether please you.\u00a0 You are the son of my poor sister, Mrs. Moncrieff, and consequently Algernon\u2019s elder brother.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy\u2019s elder brother!\u00a0 Then I have a brother after all.\u00a0 I knew I had a brother!\u00a0 I always said I had a brother!\u00a0 Cecily,\u2014how could you have ever doubted that I had a brother?\u00a0 [Seizes hold of Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dr. Chasuble, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Miss Prism, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Gwendolen, my unfortunate brother.\u00a0 Algy, you young scoundrel, you will have to treat me with more respect in the future.\u00a0 You have never behaved to me like a brother in all your life.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, not till to-day, old boy, I admit.\u00a0 I did my best, however, though I was out of practice.<\/p>\n

[Shakes hands.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 My own!\u00a0 But what own are you?\u00a0 What is your Christian name, now that you have become some one else?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens! . . . I had quite forgotten that point.\u00a0 Your decision on the subject of my name is irrevocable, I suppose?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I never change, except in my affections.<\/p>\n

Cecily.<\/b>\u00a0 What a noble nature you have, Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then the question had better be cleared up at once.\u00a0 Aunt Augusta, a moment.\u00a0 At the time when Miss Prism left me in the hand-bag, had I been christened already?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Every luxury that money could buy, including christening, had been lavished on you by your fond and doting parents.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Then I was christened!\u00a0 That is settled.\u00a0 Now, what name was I given?\u00a0 Let me know the worst.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Being the eldest son you were naturally christened after your father.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Yes, but what was my father\u2019s Christian name?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Meditatively.]\u00a0 I cannot at the present moment recall what the General\u2019s Christian name was.\u00a0 But I have no doubt he had one.\u00a0 He was eccentric, I admit.\u00a0 But only in later years.\u00a0 And that was the result of the Indian climate, and marriage, and indigestion, and other things of that kind.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy!\u00a0 Can\u2019t you recollect what our father\u2019s Christian name was?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, we were never even on speaking terms.\u00a0 He died before I was a year old.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 His name would appear in the Army Lists of the period, I suppose, Aunt Augusta?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.\u00a0 But I have no doubt his name would appear in any military directory.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Army Lists of the last forty years are here.\u00a0 These delightful records should have been my constant study.\u00a0 [Rushes to bookcase and tears the books out.]\u00a0 M. Generals . . . Mallam, Maxbohm, Magley, what ghastly names they have\u2014Markby, Migsby, Mobbs, Moncrieff!\u00a0 Lieutenant 1840, Captain, Lieutenant-Colonel, Colonel, General 1869, Christian names, Ernest John.\u00a0 [Puts book very quietly down and speaks quite calmly.]\u00a0 I always told you, Gwendolen, my name was Ernest, didn\u2019t I?\u00a0 Well, it is Ernest after all.\u00a0 I mean it naturally is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I remember now that the General was called Ernest, I knew I had some particular reason for disliking the name.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest!\u00a0 My own Ernest!\u00a0 I felt from the first that you could have no other name!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, it is a terrible thing for a man to find out suddenly that all his life he has been speaking nothing but the truth.\u00a0 Can you forgive me?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I can.\u00a0 For I feel that you are sure to change.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!<\/p>\n

Chasuble.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Miss Prism<\/b>.]\u00a0 L\u00e6titia!\u00a0 [Embraces her]<\/p>\n

Miss Prism.<\/b>\u00a0 [Enthusiastically.]\u00a0 Frederick!\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Embraces her.]\u00a0 At last!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 My nephew, you seem to be displaying signs of triviality.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 On the contrary, Aunt Augusta, I\u2019ve now realised for the first time in my life the vital Importance of Being Earnest.<\/p>\n

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