{"id":611,"date":"2016-10-06T14:05:53","date_gmt":"2016-10-06T14:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/englishlitvictorianmodern\/?post_type=chapter&p=611"},"modified":"2016-10-10T23:07:22","modified_gmt":"2016-10-10T23:07:22","slug":"the-importance-of-being-earnest-act-i","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-englishlitvictorianmodern\/chapter\/the-importance-of-being-earnest-act-i\/","title":{"raw":"The Importance of Being Earnest: Act I","rendered":"The Importance of Being Earnest: Act I"},"content":{"raw":"
\r\n\r\nA Trivial Comedy for Serious People<\/strong>\r\n\r\nTHE PERSONS IN THE PLAY<\/strong>\r\n\r\nJohn Worthing, J.P.[footnote]Justice of the Peace, presumably as with Justice Shallow in 2 Henry IV, a local position based on land ownership and position in the community. Jack\u2019s surname alludes to the seaside resort south of London where Wilde wrote the play in the summer of 1894.[\/footnote]\r\nAlgernon Moncrieff\r\nRev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.\r\nMerriman, Butler\r\nLane, Manservant\r\nLady[footnote]All daughters of dukes, marquesses, and earls are styled Lady.[\/footnote]\u00a0Bracknell\r\nHon[footnote]Honourable. Daughters of barons and viscounts such as Lord Bracknell, were allowed this designation, though never used in direct address.[\/footnote]. Gwendolen Fairfax\r\nCecily Cardew\r\nMiss Prism, Governess\r\n\r\nTHE SCENES OF THE PLAY<\/strong>\r\n\r\nACT I.\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff\u2019s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.[footnote]A fashionable street in London\u2019s Mayfair district. \u201cW\u201d is an abbreviation for \u201cWest,\u201d designating postal district.[\/footnote]\r\n\r\nACT II.\u00a0 The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.\r\n\r\nACT III.\u00a0 Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.\r\n\r\nTIME: The Present.\r\n
<\/div>\r\n

<\/b><\/a>FIRST ACT<\/b><\/p>\r\n

<\/b>SCENE<\/b><\/p>\r\n

Morning-room in Algernon\u2019s flat in Half-Moon Street.\u00a0 The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.\u00a0 The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.<\/p>\r\n

[Lane<\/b> is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon<\/b> enters.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think it polite to listen, sir.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for that, for your sake.\u00a0 I don\u2019t play accurately\u2014any one can play accurately\u2014but I play with wonderful expression.\u00a0 As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.\u00a0 I keep science for Life.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Hands them on a salver.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]\u00a0 Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why is it that at a bachelor\u2019s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne?\u00a0 I ask merely for information.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.\u00a0 I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Is marriage so demoralising as that?<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I believe it is<\/i> a very pleasant state, sir.\u00a0 I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present.\u00a0 I have only been married once.\u00a0 That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Languidly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject.\u00a0 I never think of it myself.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Very natural, I am sure.\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane\u2019s views on marriage seem somewhat lax.\u00a0 Really, if the lower orders don\u2019t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?\u00a0 They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

[Lane<\/b> goes out.<\/i>]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How are you, my dear Ernest?\u00a0 What brings you up to town?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, pleasure, pleasure!\u00a0 What else should bring one anywhere?\u00a0 Eating as usual, I see, Algy!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stiffly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o\u2019clock.\u00a0 Where have you been since last Thursday?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down on the sofa.]\u00a0 In the country.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you do there?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pulling off his gloves.<\/i>]\u00a0 When one is in town one amuses oneself.\u00a0 When one is in the country one amuses other people.\u00a0 It is excessively boring.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And who are the people you amuse?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.<\/i>]\u00a0 Oh, neighbours, neighbours.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly horrid!\u00a0 Never speak to one of them.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How immensely you must amuse them!\u00a0 [Goes over and takes sandwich.]\u00a0 By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Eh?\u00a0 Shropshire?\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 Hallo!\u00a0 Why all these cups?\u00a0 Why cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?\u00a0 Who is coming to tea?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How perfectly delightful!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won\u2019t quite approve of your being here.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask why?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful.\u00a0 It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am in love with Gwendolen.\u00a0 I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How utterly unromantic you are!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see anything romantic in proposing.\u00a0 It is very romantic to be in love.\u00a0 But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.\u00a0 Why, one may be accepted.\u00a0 One usually is, I believe.\u00a0 Then the excitement is all over.\u00a0 The very essence of romance is uncertainty.\u00a0 If ever I get married, I\u2019ll certainly try to forget the fact.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have no doubt about that, dear Algy.\u00a0 The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject.\u00a0 Divorces are made in Heaven\u2014[Jack<\/b> puts out his hand to take a sandwich.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> at once interferes.]\u00a0 Please don\u2019t touch the cucumber sandwiches.\u00a0 They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Takes one and eats it.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you have been eating them all the time.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is quite a different matter.\u00a0 She is my aunt.\u00a0 [Takes plate from below.]\u00a0 Have some bread and butter.\u00a0 The bread and butter is for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to table and helping himself.]\u00a0 And very good bread and butter it is too.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all.\u00a0 You behave as if you were married to her already.\u00a0 You are not married to her already, and I don\u2019t think you ever will be.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth do you say that?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with.\u00a0 Girls don\u2019t think it right.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t.\u00a0 It is a great truth.\u00a0 It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.\u00a0 In the second place, I don\u2019t give my consent.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your consent!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin.\u00a0 And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.\u00a0 [Rings bell.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?\u00a0 What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know any one of the name of Cecily.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time?\u00a0 I wish to goodness you had let me know.\u00a0 I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it.\u00a0 I was very nearly offering a large reward.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I wish you would offer one.\u00a0 I happen to be more than usually hard up.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Lane<\/b> with the cigarette case on a salver.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> takes it at once.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say.\u00a0 [Opens case and examines it.]\u00a0 However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn\u2019t yours after all.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it\u2019s mine.\u00a0 [Moving to him.]\u00a0 You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.\u00a0 It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn\u2019t read.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am quite aware of the fact, and I don\u2019t propose to discuss modern culture.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t the sort of thing one should talk of in private.\u00a0 I simply want my cigarette case back.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; but this isn\u2019t your cigarette case.\u00a0 This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn\u2019t know any one of that name.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your aunt!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Charming old lady she is, too.\u00a0 Lives at Tunbridge Wells[footnote]Spa town in Kent, southeast of London.[\/footnote].\u00a0 Just give it back to me, Algy.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Retreating to back of sofa.]\u00a0 But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?\u00a0 [Reading.]\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily with her fondest love.\u2019<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that?\u00a0 Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall.\u00a0 That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.\u00a0 You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt!\u00a0 That is absurd!\u00a0 For Heaven\u2019s sake give me back my cigarette case.\u00a0 [Follows Algernon<\/b> round the room.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But why does your aunt call you her uncle?\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.\u2019\u00a0 There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can\u2019t quite make out.\u00a0 Besides, your name isn\u2019t Jack at all; it is Ernest.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t Ernest; it\u2019s Jack.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have always told me it was Ernest.\u00a0 I have introduced you to every one as Ernest.\u00a0 You answer to the name of Ernest.\u00a0 You look as if your name was Ernest.\u00a0 You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life.\u00a0 It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn\u2019t Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s on your cards.\u00a0 Here is one of them.\u00a0 [Taking it from case.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.[footnote]Prestigious block of bachelor flats in Mayfair. Lord Byron once lived there.[\/footnote]\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.\u00a0 [Puts the card in his pocket.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle.\u00a0 Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist.\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn\u2019t a dentist.\u00a0 It produces a false impression.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.\u00a0 Now, go on!\u00a0 Tell me the whole thing.\u00a0 I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, produce my cigarette case first.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 [Hands cigarette case.]\u00a0 Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable.\u00a0 [Sits on sofa.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all.\u00a0 In fact it\u2019s perfectly ordinary.\u00a0 Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.\u00a0 Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Where is that place in the country, by the way?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nothing to you, dear boy.\u00a0 You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I suspected that, my dear fellow!\u00a0 I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions.\u00a0 Now, go on.\u00a0 Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, I don\u2019t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives.\u00a0 You are hardly serious enough.\u00a0 When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects.\u00a0 It\u2019s one\u2019s duty to do so.\u00a0 And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one\u2019s health or one\u2019s happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.\u00a0 That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The truth is rarely pure and never simple.\u00a0 Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That wouldn\u2019t be at all a bad thing.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try it.\u00a0 You should leave that to people who haven\u2019t been at a University.\u00a0 They do it so well in the daily papers.\u00a0 What you really are is a Bunburyist.\u00a0 I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist.\u00a0 You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like.\u00a0 I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose.\u00a0 Bunbury is perfectly invaluable.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t for Bunbury\u2019s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn\u2019t be able to dine with you at Willis\u2019s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.\u00a0 It is very foolish of you.\u00a0 Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one\u2019s own relations.\u00a0 In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down[footnote]Dinner guests were sent down from the drawing room; each gentleman was assigned a lady to escort for the evening.[\/footnote]\u00a0with either no woman at all, or two.\u00a0 In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night.\u00a0 She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table.\u00a0 That is not very pleasant.\u00a0 Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase.\u00a0 The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous.\u00a0 It looks so bad.\u00a0 It is simply washing one\u2019s clean linen in public.\u00a0 Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying.\u00a0 I want to tell you the rules.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m not a Bunburyist at all.\u00a0 If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I\u2019ll kill him in any case.\u00a0 Cecily is a little too much interested in him.\u00a0 It is rather a bore.\u00a0 So I am going to get rid of Ernest.\u00a0 And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury.\u00a0 A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nonsense.\u00a0 If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won\u2019t want to know Bunbury.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then your wife will.\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama[footnote]The French drama of the time frequently dealt with marital infidelity.[\/footnote]\u00a0has been propounding for the last fifty years.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 For heaven\u2019s sake, don\u2019t try to be cynical.\u00a0 It\u2019s perfectly easy to be cynical.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, it isn\u2019t easy to be anything nowadays.\u00a0 There\u2019s such a lot of beastly competition about.\u00a0 [The sound of an electric bell is heard.]\u00a0 Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian[footnote]Portentous, loud, as in an opera by Richard Wagner (1813-1883).[\/footnote]\u00a0manner.\u00a0 Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis\u2019s[footnote]An elegant restaurant near the St. James theatre.[\/footnote]?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so, if you want to.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you must be serious about it.\u00a0 I hate people who are not serious about meals.\u00a0 It is so shallow of them.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\r\n

[Algernon<\/b> goes forward to meet them.\u00a0 Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That\u2019s not quite the same thing.\u00a0 In fact the two things rarely go together.\u00a0 [Sees Jack<\/b> and bows to him with icy coldness.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear me, you are smart!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am always smart!\u00a0 Am I not, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I hope I am not that.\u00a0 It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> and Jack<\/b> sit down together in the corner.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t been there since her poor husband\u2019s death.\u00a0 I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger.\u00a0 And now I\u2019ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Goes over to tea-table.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, mamma, I\u2019m quite comfortable where I am.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up empty plate in horror.]\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Lane!\u00a0 Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 I ordered them specially.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.\u00a0 I went down twice.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No cucumbers!<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir.\u00a0 Not even for ready money[footnote]Cash, not credit[\/footnote].<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Goes out.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It really makes no matter, Algernon.\u00a0 I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It certainly has changed its colour.\u00a0 From what cause I, of course, cannot say.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> crosses and hands tea.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon.\u00a0 I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar.\u00a0 She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband.\u00a0 It\u2019s delightful to watch them.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Frowning.]\u00a0 I hope not, Algernon.\u00a0 It would put my table completely out.\u00a0 Your uncle would have to dine upstairs.\u00a0 Fortunately he is accustomed to that.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.\u00a0 [Exchanges glances with Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 They seem to think I should be with him.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is very strange.\u00a0 This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die.\u00a0 This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd.\u00a0 Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids.\u00a0 I consider it morbid.\u00a0 Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.\u00a0 Health is the primary duty of life.\u00a0 I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes.\u00a0 I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.\u00a0 It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season[footnote]The London Season is the part of the year when the Court and fashionable society generally are in town: May through July.[\/footnote]\u00a0when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he\u2019ll be all right by Saturday.\u00a0 Of course the music is a great difficulty.\u00a0 You see, if one plays good music, people don\u2019t listen, and if one plays bad music people don\u2019t talk.\u00a0 But I\u2019ll run over the programme I\u2019ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Algernon.\u00a0 It is very thoughtful of you.\u00a0 [Rising, and following Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations.\u00a0 French songs I cannot possibly allow.\u00a0 People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse.\u00a0 But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so.\u00a0 Gwendolen, you will accompany me.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, mamma.<\/p>\r\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> go into the music-room, Gwendolen<\/b> remains behind.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray don\u2019t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else.\u00a0 And that makes me so nervous.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I do mean something else.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought so.\u00a0 In fact, I am never wrong.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell\u2019s temporary absence . . .<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I would certainly advise you to do so.\u00a0 Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Nervously.]\u00a0 Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact.\u00a0 And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative.\u00a0 For me you have always had an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals.\u00a0 The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest.\u00a0 There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence.\u00a0 The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You really love me, Gwendolen?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Passionately!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 You don\u2019t know how happy you\u2019ve made me.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My own Ernest!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But you don\u2019t really mean to say that you couldn\u2019t love me if my name wasn\u2019t Ernest?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But your name is Ernest.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I know it is.\u00a0 But supposing it was something else?\u00a0 Do you mean to say you couldn\u2019t love me then?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glibly.]\u00a0 Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don\u2019t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don\u2019t think the name suits me at all.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 It suits you perfectly.\u00a0 It is a divine name.\u00a0 It has a music of its own.\u00a0 It produces vibrations.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names.\u00a0 I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed.\u00a0 It does not thrill.\u00a0 It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain.\u00a0 Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John!\u00a0 And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John.\u00a0 She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment\u2019s solitude.\u00a0 The only really safe name is Ernest.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, I must get christened at once\u2014I mean we must get married at once.\u00a0 There is no time to be lost.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Married, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Astounded.]\u00a0 Well . . . surely.\u00a0 You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I adore you.\u00a0 But you haven\u2019t proposed to me yet.\u00a0 Nothing has been said at all about marriage.\u00a0 The subject has not even been touched on.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well . . . may I propose to you now?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it would be an admirable opportunity.\u00a0 And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You know what I have got to say to you.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you don\u2019t say it.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, will you marry me?\u00a0 [Goes on his knees.]<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I will, darling.\u00a0 How long you have been about it!\u00a0 I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but men often propose for practice.\u00a0 I know my brother Gerald does.\u00a0 All my girl-friends tell me so.\u00a0 What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest!\u00a0 They are quite, quite, blue.\u00a0 I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.\u00a0 [Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.\u00a0 It is most indecorous.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mamma!\u00a0 [He tries to rise; she restrains him.]\u00a0 I must beg you to retire.\u00a0 This is no place for you.\u00a0 Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Finished what, may I ask?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\u00a0 [They rise together.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one.\u00a0 When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact.\u00a0 An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be.\u00a0 It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Reproachfully.]\u00a0 Mamma!<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In the carriage, Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> goes to the door.\u00a0 She and Jack<\/b> blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell\u2019s<\/b> back.\u00a0 Lady Bracknell<\/b> looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was.\u00a0 Finally turns round.]\u00a0 Gwendolen, the carriage!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, mamma.\u00a0 [Goes out, looking back at Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down.]\u00a0 You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\r\n

[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pencil and note-book in hand.]\u00a0 I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has.\u00a0 We work together, in fact.\u00a0 However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires.\u00a0 Do you smoke?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.\u00a0 A man should always have an occupation of some kind.\u00a0 There are far too many idle men in London as it is.\u00a0 How old are you?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Twenty-nine.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A very good age to be married at.\u00a0 I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.\u00a0 Which do you know?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After some hesitation.]\u00a0 I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am pleased to hear it.\u00a0 I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance.\u00a0 Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.\u00a0 The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.\u00a0 Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.\u00a0 If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.\u00a0 What is your income?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Between seven and eight thousand a year.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Makes a note in her book.]\u00a0 In land, or in investments?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In investments, chiefly.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is satisfactory.\u00a0 What between the duties expected of one during one\u2019s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one\u2019s death[footnote]Death duties were inheritance taxes.[\/footnote], land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure.\u00a0 It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up.\u00a0 That\u2019s all that can be said about land.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don\u2019t depend on that for my real income.\u00a0 In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A country house!\u00a0 How many bedrooms?\u00a0 Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards.\u00a0 You have a town house, I hope?\u00a0 A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham.\u00a0 Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months\u2019 notice.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bloxham?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know her.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, she goes about very little.\u00a0 She is a lady considerably advanced in years.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character.\u00a0 What number in Belgrave Square[footnote]Another fashionable district in London\u2019s West End, south of Mayfair.[\/footnote]?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 149.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 The unfashionable side.\u00a0 I thought there was something.\u00a0 However, that could easily be altered.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean the fashion, or the side?<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly.]\u00a0 Both, if necessary, I presume.\u00a0 What are your politics?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am afraid I really have none.\u00a0 I am a Liberal Unionist[footnote]A political party formed in 1885 by a Liberal Party split on the matter of home rule for Ireland. The Unionists sided with the Tories, hence they \u201ccount as Tories,\u201d the party favoured by the highly conservative Lady Bracknell.[\/footnote].<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, they count as Tories.\u00a0 They dine with us.\u00a0 Or come in the evening, at any rate.\u00a0 Now to minor matters.\u00a0 Are your parents living?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have lost both my parents.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.\u00a0 Who was your father?\u00a0 He was evidently a man of some wealth.\u00a0 Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I really don\u2019t know.\u00a0 The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.\u00a0 It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don\u2019t actually know who I am by birth.\u00a0 I was . . . well, I was found.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Found!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.\u00a0 Worthing is a place in Sussex.\u00a0 It is a seaside resort.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 In a hand-bag.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A hand-bag?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very seriously.]\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I was in a hand-bag\u2014a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it\u2014an ordinary hand-bag in fact.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In the cloak-room at Victoria Station[footnote]A West End railway terminal with regularly scheduled departures to Brighton, a seaside town in Sussex, south of London.[\/footnote].\u00a0 It was given to him in mistake for his own.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The cloak-room at Victoria Station?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The Brighton line.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The line is immaterial.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me.\u00a0 To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution.\u00a0 And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?\u00a0 As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion\u2014has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now\u2014but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask you then what you would advise me to do?\u00a0 I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen\u2019s happiness.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t see how I could possibly manage to do that.\u00a0 I can produce the hand-bag at any moment.\u00a0 It is in my dressing-room at home.\u00a0 I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\r\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Me, sir!\u00a0 What has it to do with me?\u00a0 You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter\u2014a girl brought up with the utmost care\u2014to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel?\u00a0 Good morning, Mr. Worthing!<\/p>\r\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good morning!\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b>, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March.\u00a0 Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.]\u00a0 For goodness\u2019 sake don\u2019t play that ghastly tune, Algy.\u00a0 How idiotic you are!<\/p>\r\n

[The music stops and Algernon<\/b> enters cheerily.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Didn\u2019t it go off all right, old boy?\u00a0 You don\u2019t mean to say Gwendolen refused you?\u00a0 I know it is a way she has.\u00a0 She is always refusing people.\u00a0 I think it is most ill-natured of her.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet[footnote]Colloquialism; steady. A trivet is a three-legged stand for a pot or kettle.[\/footnote].\u00a0 As far as she is concerned, we are engaged.\u00a0 Her mother is perfectly unbearable.\u00a0 Never met such a Gorgon[footnote]Hideous monsters in Greek mythology whose glance turned men into stone.[\/footnote]\u00a0. . . I don\u2019t really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one.\u00a0 In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn\u2019t talk about your own aunt in that way before you.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.\u00a0 It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.\u00a0 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven\u2019t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t argue about the matter.\u00a0 You always want to argue about things.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is exactly what things were originally made for.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon my word, if I thought that, I\u2019d shoot myself . . . [A pause.]\u00a0 You don\u2019t think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 All women become like their mothers.\u00a0 That is their tragedy.\u00a0 No man does.\u00a0 That\u2019s his.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Is that clever?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sick to death of cleverness.\u00a0 Everybody is clever nowadays.\u00a0 You can\u2019t go anywhere without meeting clever people.\u00a0 The thing has become an absolute public nuisance.\u00a0 I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 We have.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I should extremely like to meet them.\u00a0 What do they talk about?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The fools?\u00a0 Oh! about the clever people, of course.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What fools!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a very patronising manner.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, the truth isn\u2019t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl.\u00a0 What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What about your brother?\u00a0 What about the profligate Ernest?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy.\u00a0 Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don\u2019t they?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s hereditary, my dear fellow.\u00a0 It\u2019s a sort of thing that runs in families.\u00a0 You had much better say a severe chill.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are sure a severe chill isn\u2019t hereditary, or anything of that kind?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it isn\u2019t!<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Very well, then.\u00a0 My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill.\u00a0 That gets rid of him.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest?\u00a0 Won\u2019t she feel his loss a good deal?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is all right.\u00a0 Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say.\u00a0 She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I would rather like to see Cecily.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I will take very good care you never do.\u00a0 She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! one doesn\u2019t blurt these things out to people.\u00a0 Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.\u00a0 I\u2019ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.\u00a0 Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis\u2019s, we really must go and dress.\u00a0 Do you know it is nearly seven?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It always is nearly seven.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m hungry.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I never knew you when you weren\u2019t . . .<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What shall we do after dinner?\u00a0 Go to a theatre?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I loathe listening.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, let us go to the Club?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate talking.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, we might trot round to the Empire[footnote]Popular music hall (vaudeville theatre) in Leicester Square on eastern edge of the West End.[\/footnote]\u00a0at ten?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I can\u2019t bear looking at things.\u00a0 It is so silly.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, what shall we do?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing!<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is awfully hard work doing nothing.\u00a0 However, I don\u2019t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, upon my word!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, kindly turn your back.\u00a0 I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Really, Gwendolen, I don\u2019t think I can allow this at all.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.\u00a0 You are not quite old enough to do that.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> retires to the fireplace.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own darling!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest, we may never be married.\u00a0 From the expression on mamma\u2019s face I fear we never shall.\u00a0 Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.\u00a0 The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.\u00a0 Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.\u00a0 But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Gwendolen!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature.\u00a0 Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.\u00a0 Your town address at the Albany I have.\u00a0 What is your address in the country?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Manor House, Woolton[footnote]A community in Shropshire, south of Liverpool and not in Hertfordshire.[\/footnote], Hertfordshire.<\/p>\r\n

[Algernon<\/b>, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff.\u00a0 Then picks up the Railway Guide.]<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 There is a good postal service, I suppose?\u00a0 It may be necessary to do something desperate.\u00a0 That of course will require serious consideration.\u00a0 I will communicate with you daily.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How long do you remain in town?<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Till Monday.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Good!\u00a0 Algy, you may turn round now.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, I\u2019ve turned round already.<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also ring the bell.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?<\/p>\r\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Lane<\/b>, who now enters.]\u00a0 I will see Miss Fairfax out.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> go off.]<\/p>\r\n

[Lane<\/b> presents several letters on a salver to Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon<\/b>, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 A glass of sherry, Lane.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 To-morrow, Lane, I\u2019m going Bunburying.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shall probably not be back till Monday.\u00a0 You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . .<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Handing sherry.]<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 It never is, sir.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane, you\u2019re a perfect pessimist.<\/p>\r\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.<\/p>\r\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes off.]<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There\u2019s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is laughing immoderately.]\u00a0 What on earth are you so amused at?<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 If you don\u2019t take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I love scrapes.\u00a0 They are the only things that are never serious.<\/p>\r\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that\u2019s nonsense, Algy.\u00a0 You never talk anything but nonsense.<\/p>\r\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nobody ever does.<\/p>\r\n

[Jack<\/b> looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>","rendered":"

\n

A Trivial Comedy for Serious People<\/strong><\/p>\n

THE PERSONS IN THE PLAY<\/strong><\/p>\n

John Worthing, J.P.[1]<\/sup><\/a>
\nAlgernon Moncrieff
\nRev. Canon Chasuble, D.D.
\nMerriman, Butler
\nLane, Manservant
\nLady[2]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0Bracknell
\nHon[3]<\/sup><\/a>. Gwendolen Fairfax
\nCecily Cardew
\nMiss Prism, Governess<\/p>\n

THE SCENES OF THE PLAY<\/strong><\/p>\n

ACT I.\u00a0 Algernon Moncrieff\u2019s Flat in Half-Moon Street, W.[4]<\/sup><\/a><\/p>\n

ACT II.\u00a0 The Garden at the Manor House, Woolton.<\/p>\n

ACT III.\u00a0 Drawing-Room at the Manor House, Woolton.<\/p>\n

TIME: The Present.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/b><\/a>FIRST ACT<\/b><\/p>\n

<\/b>SCENE<\/b><\/p>\n

Morning-room in Algernon\u2019s flat in Half-Moon Street.\u00a0 The room is luxuriously and artistically furnished.\u00a0 The sound of a piano is heard in the adjoining room.<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> is arranging afternoon tea on the table, and after the music has ceased, Algernon<\/b> enters.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Did you hear what I was playing, Lane?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I didn\u2019t think it polite to listen, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry for that, for your sake.\u00a0 I don\u2019t play accurately\u2014any one can play accurately\u2014but I play with wonderful expression.\u00a0 As far as the piano is concerned, sentiment is my forte.\u00a0 I keep science for Life.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And, speaking of the science of Life, have you got the cucumber sandwiches cut for Lady Bracknell?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Hands them on a salver.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Inspects them, takes two, and sits down on the sofa.]\u00a0 Oh! . . . by the way, Lane, I see from your book that on Thursday night, when Lord Shoreman and Mr. Worthing were dining with me, eight bottles of champagne are entered as having been consumed.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir; eight bottles and a pint.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Why is it that at a bachelor\u2019s establishment the servants invariably drink the champagne?\u00a0 I ask merely for information.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I attribute it to the superior quality of the wine, sir.\u00a0 I have often observed that in married households the champagne is rarely of a first-rate brand.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Is marriage so demoralising as that?<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I believe it is<\/i> a very pleasant state, sir.\u00a0 I have had very little experience of it myself up to the present.\u00a0 I have only been married once.\u00a0 That was in consequence of a misunderstanding between myself and a young person.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Languidly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I don\u2019t know that I am much interested in your family life, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir; it is not a very interesting subject.\u00a0 I never think of it myself.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Very natural, I am sure.\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane\u2019s views on marriage seem somewhat lax.\u00a0 Really, if the lower orders don\u2019t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?\u00a0 They seem, as a class, to have absolutely no sense of moral responsibility.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Ernest Worthing.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> goes out.<\/i>]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How are you, my dear Ernest?\u00a0 What brings you up to town?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, pleasure, pleasure!\u00a0 What else should bring one anywhere?\u00a0 Eating as usual, I see, Algy!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Stiffly.<\/i>]\u00a0 I believe it is customary in good society to take some slight refreshment at five o\u2019clock.\u00a0 Where have you been since last Thursday?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down on the sofa.]\u00a0 In the country.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you do there?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pulling off his gloves.<\/i>]\u00a0 When one is in town one amuses oneself.\u00a0 When one is in the country one amuses other people.\u00a0 It is excessively boring.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 And who are the people you amuse?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Airily.<\/i>]\u00a0 Oh, neighbours, neighbours.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Got nice neighbours in your part of Shropshire?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Perfectly horrid!\u00a0 Never speak to one of them.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 How immensely you must amuse them!\u00a0 [Goes over and takes sandwich.]\u00a0 By the way, Shropshire is your county, is it not?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Eh?\u00a0 Shropshire?\u00a0 Yes, of course.\u00a0 Hallo!\u00a0 Why all these cups?\u00a0 Why cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 Why such reckless extravagance in one so young?\u00a0 Who is coming to tea?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! merely Aunt Augusta and Gwendolen.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How perfectly delightful!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, that is all very well; but I am afraid Aunt Augusta won\u2019t quite approve of your being here.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask why?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, the way you flirt with Gwendolen is perfectly disgraceful.\u00a0 It is almost as bad as the way Gwendolen flirts with you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am in love with Gwendolen.\u00a0 I have come up to town expressly to propose to her.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought you had come up for pleasure? . . . I call that business.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 How utterly unromantic you are!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I really don\u2019t see anything romantic in proposing.\u00a0 It is very romantic to be in love.\u00a0 But there is nothing romantic about a definite proposal.\u00a0 Why, one may be accepted.\u00a0 One usually is, I believe.\u00a0 Then the excitement is all over.\u00a0 The very essence of romance is uncertainty.\u00a0 If ever I get married, I\u2019ll certainly try to forget the fact.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have no doubt about that, dear Algy.\u00a0 The Divorce Court was specially invented for people whose memories are so curiously constituted.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! there is no use speculating on that subject.\u00a0 Divorces are made in Heaven\u2014[Jack<\/b> puts out his hand to take a sandwich.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> at once interferes.]\u00a0 Please don\u2019t touch the cucumber sandwiches.\u00a0 They are ordered specially for Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Takes one and eats it.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, you have been eating them all the time.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is quite a different matter.\u00a0 She is my aunt.\u00a0 [Takes plate from below.]\u00a0 Have some bread and butter.\u00a0 The bread and butter is for Gwendolen.\u00a0 Gwendolen is devoted to bread and butter.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Advancing to table and helping himself.]\u00a0 And very good bread and butter it is too.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my dear fellow, you need not eat as if you were going to eat it all.\u00a0 You behave as if you were married to her already.\u00a0 You are not married to her already, and I don\u2019t think you ever will be.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Why on earth do you say that?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with.\u00a0 Girls don\u2019t think it right.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t.\u00a0 It is a great truth.\u00a0 It accounts for the extraordinary number of bachelors that one sees all over the place.\u00a0 In the second place, I don\u2019t give my consent.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Your consent!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, Gwendolen is my first cousin.\u00a0 And before I allow you to marry her, you will have to clear up the whole question of Cecily.\u00a0 [Rings bell.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Cecily!\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?\u00a0 What do you mean, Algy, by Cecily!\u00a0 I don\u2019t know any one of the name of Cecily.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Bring me that cigarette case Mr. Worthing left in the smoking-room the last time he dined here.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean to say you have had my cigarette case all this time?\u00a0 I wish to goodness you had let me know.\u00a0 I have been writing frantic letters to Scotland Yard about it.\u00a0 I was very nearly offering a large reward.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I wish you would offer one.\u00a0 I happen to be more than usually hard up.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There is no good offering a large reward now that the thing is found.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b> with the cigarette case on a salver.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> takes it at once.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I think that is rather mean of you, Ernest, I must say.\u00a0 [Opens case and examines it.]\u00a0 However, it makes no matter, for, now that I look at the inscription inside, I find that the thing isn\u2019t yours after all.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it\u2019s mine.\u00a0 [Moving to him.]\u00a0 You have seen me with it a hundred times, and you have no right whatsoever to read what is written inside.\u00a0 It is a very ungentlemanly thing to read a private cigarette case.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! it is absurd to have a hard and fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn\u2019t.\u00a0 More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn\u2019t read.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am quite aware of the fact, and I don\u2019t propose to discuss modern culture.\u00a0 It isn\u2019t the sort of thing one should talk of in private.\u00a0 I simply want my cigarette case back.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; but this isn\u2019t your cigarette case.\u00a0 This cigarette case is a present from some one of the name of Cecily, and you said you didn\u2019t know any one of that name.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, if you want to know, Cecily happens to be my aunt.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Your aunt!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 Charming old lady she is, too.\u00a0 Lives at Tunbridge Wells[5]<\/sup><\/a>.\u00a0 Just give it back to me, Algy.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Retreating to back of sofa.]\u00a0 But why does she call herself little Cecily if she is your aunt and lives at Tunbridge Wells?\u00a0 [Reading.]\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily with her fondest love.\u2019<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Moving to sofa and kneeling upon it.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, what on earth is there in that?\u00a0 Some aunts are tall, some aunts are not tall.\u00a0 That is a matter that surely an aunt may be allowed to decide for herself.\u00a0 You seem to think that every aunt should be exactly like your aunt!\u00a0 That is absurd!\u00a0 For Heaven\u2019s sake give me back my cigarette case.\u00a0 [Follows Algernon<\/b> round the room.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 But why does your aunt call you her uncle?\u00a0 \u2018From little Cecily, with her fondest love to her dear Uncle Jack.\u2019\u00a0 There is no objection, I admit, to an aunt being a small aunt, but why an aunt, no matter what her size may be, should call her own nephew her uncle, I can\u2019t quite make out.\u00a0 Besides, your name isn\u2019t Jack at all; it is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t Ernest; it\u2019s Jack.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have always told me it was Ernest.\u00a0 I have introduced you to every one as Ernest.\u00a0 You answer to the name of Ernest.\u00a0 You look as if your name was Ernest.\u00a0 You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life.\u00a0 It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn\u2019t Ernest.\u00a0 It\u2019s on your cards.\u00a0 Here is one of them.\u00a0 [Taking it from case.]\u00a0 \u2018Mr. Ernest Worthing, B. 4, The Albany.[6]<\/sup><\/a>\u2019\u00a0 I\u2019ll keep this as a proof that your name is Ernest if ever you attempt to deny it to me, or to Gwendolen, or to any one else.\u00a0 [Puts the card in his pocket.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, my name is Ernest in town and Jack in the country, and the cigarette case was given to me in the country.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but that does not account for the fact that your small Aunt Cecily, who lives at Tunbridge Wells, calls you her dear uncle.\u00a0 Come, old boy, you had much better have the thing out at once.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, you talk exactly as if you were a dentist.\u00a0 It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn\u2019t a dentist.\u00a0 It produces a false impression.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, that is exactly what dentists always do.\u00a0 Now, go on!\u00a0 Tell me the whole thing.\u00a0 I may mention that I have always suspected you of being a confirmed and secret Bunburyist; and I am quite sure of it now.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Bunburyist? What on earth do you mean by a Bunburyist?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll reveal to you the meaning of that incomparable expression as soon as you are kind enough to inform me why you are Ernest in town and Jack in the country.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, produce my cigarette case first.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Here it is.\u00a0 [Hands cigarette case.]\u00a0 Now produce your explanation, and pray make it improbable.\u00a0 [Sits on sofa.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, there is nothing improbable about my explanation at all.\u00a0 In fact it\u2019s perfectly ordinary.\u00a0 Old Mr. Thomas Cardew, who adopted me when I was a little boy, made me in his will guardian to his grand-daughter, Miss Cecily Cardew.\u00a0 Cecily, who addresses me as her uncle from motives of respect that you could not possibly appreciate, lives at my place in the country under the charge of her admirable governess, Miss Prism.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Where is that place in the country, by the way?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nothing to you, dear boy.\u00a0 You are not going to be invited . . . I may tell you candidly that the place is not in Shropshire.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I suspected that, my dear fellow!\u00a0 I have Bunburyed all over Shropshire on two separate occasions.\u00a0 Now, go on.\u00a0 Why are you Ernest in town and Jack in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear Algy, I don\u2019t know whether you will be able to understand my real motives.\u00a0 You are hardly serious enough.\u00a0 When one is placed in the position of guardian, one has to adopt a very high moral tone on all subjects.\u00a0 It\u2019s one\u2019s duty to do so.\u00a0 And as a high moral tone can hardly be said to conduce very much to either one\u2019s health or one\u2019s happiness, in order to get up to town I have always pretended to have a younger brother of the name of Ernest, who lives in the Albany, and gets into the most dreadful scrapes.\u00a0 That, my dear Algy, is the whole truth pure and simple.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The truth is rarely pure and never simple.\u00a0 Modern life would be very tedious if it were either, and modern literature a complete impossibility!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That wouldn\u2019t be at all a bad thing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow.\u00a0 Don\u2019t try it.\u00a0 You should leave that to people who haven\u2019t been at a University.\u00a0 They do it so well in the daily papers.\u00a0 What you really are is a Bunburyist.\u00a0 I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist.\u00a0 You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What on earth do you mean?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 You have invented a very useful younger brother called Ernest, in order that you may be able to come up to town as often as you like.\u00a0 I have invented an invaluable permanent invalid called Bunbury, in order that I may be able to go down into the country whenever I choose.\u00a0 Bunbury is perfectly invaluable.\u00a0 If it wasn\u2019t for Bunbury\u2019s extraordinary bad health, for instance, I wouldn\u2019t be able to dine with you at Willis\u2019s to-night, for I have been really engaged to Aunt Augusta for more than a week.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t asked you to dine with me anywhere to-night.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I know.\u00a0 You are absurdly careless about sending out invitations.\u00a0 It is very foolish of you.\u00a0 Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You had much better dine with your Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I haven\u2019t the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind.\u00a0 To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one\u2019s own relations.\u00a0 In the second place, whenever I do dine there I am always treated as a member of the family, and sent down[7]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0with either no woman at all, or two.\u00a0 In the third place, I know perfectly well whom she will place me next to, to-night.\u00a0 She will place me next Mary Farquhar, who always flirts with her own husband across the dinner-table.\u00a0 That is not very pleasant.\u00a0 Indeed, it is not even decent . . . and that sort of thing is enormously on the increase.\u00a0 The amount of women in London who flirt with their own husbands is perfectly scandalous.\u00a0 It looks so bad.\u00a0 It is simply washing one\u2019s clean linen in public.\u00a0 Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you about Bunburying.\u00a0 I want to tell you the rules.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m not a Bunburyist at all.\u00a0 If Gwendolen accepts me, I am going to kill my brother, indeed I think I\u2019ll kill him in any case.\u00a0 Cecily is a little too much interested in him.\u00a0 It is rather a bore.\u00a0 So I am going to get rid of Ernest.\u00a0 And I strongly advise you to do the same with Mr. . . . with your invalid friend who has the absurd name.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing will induce me to part with Bunbury, and if you ever get married, which seems to me extremely problematic, you will be very glad to know Bunbury.\u00a0 A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 That is nonsense.\u00a0 If I marry a charming girl like Gwendolen, and she is the only girl I ever saw in my life that I would marry, I certainly won\u2019t want to know Bunbury.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Then your wife will.\u00a0 You don\u2019t seem to realise, that in married life three is company and two is none.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sententiously.]\u00a0 That, my dear young friend, is the theory that the corrupt French Drama[8]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0has been propounding for the last fifty years.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; and that the happy English home has proved in half the time.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 For heaven\u2019s sake, don\u2019t try to be cynical.\u00a0 It\u2019s perfectly easy to be cynical.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear fellow, it isn\u2019t easy to be anything nowadays.\u00a0 There\u2019s such a lot of beastly competition about.\u00a0 [The sound of an electric bell is heard.]\u00a0 Ah! that must be Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 Only relatives, or creditors, ever ring in that Wagnerian[9]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0manner.\u00a0 Now, if I get her out of the way for ten minutes, so that you can have an opportunity for proposing to Gwendolen, may I dine with you to-night at Willis\u2019s[10]<\/sup><\/a>?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I suppose so, if you want to.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you must be serious about it.\u00a0 I hate people who are not serious about meals.\u00a0 It is so shallow of them.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bracknell and Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Algernon<\/b> goes forward to meet them.\u00a0 Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Good afternoon, dear Algernon, I hope you are behaving very well.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m feeling very well, Aunt Augusta.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That\u2019s not quite the same thing.\u00a0 In fact the two things rarely go together.\u00a0 [Sees Jack<\/b> and bows to him with icy coldness.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Gwendolen<\/b>.]\u00a0 Dear me, you are smart!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am always smart!\u00a0 Am I not, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You\u2019re quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! I hope I am not that.\u00a0 It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> and Jack<\/b> sit down together in the corner.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019m sorry if we are a little late, Algernon, but I was obliged to call on dear Lady Harbury.\u00a0 I hadn\u2019t been there since her poor husband\u2019s death.\u00a0 I never saw a woman so altered; she looks quite twenty years younger.\u00a0 And now I\u2019ll have a cup of tea, and one of those nice cucumber sandwiches you promised me.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, Aunt Augusta.\u00a0 [Goes over to tea-table.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Won\u2019t you come and sit here, Gwendolen?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, mamma, I\u2019m quite comfortable where I am.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 [Picking up empty plate in horror.]\u00a0 Good heavens!\u00a0 Lane!\u00a0 Why are there no cucumber sandwiches?\u00a0 I ordered them specially.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 There were no cucumbers in the market this morning, sir.\u00a0 I went down twice.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 No cucumbers!<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 No, sir.\u00a0 Not even for ready money[11]<\/sup><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That will do, Lane, thank you.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, sir.\u00a0 [Goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am greatly distressed, Aunt Augusta, about there being no cucumbers, not even for ready money.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It really makes no matter, Algernon.\u00a0 I had some crumpets with Lady Harbury, who seems to me to be living entirely for pleasure now.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hear her hair has turned quite gold from grief.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It certainly has changed its colour.\u00a0 From what cause I, of course, cannot say.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> crosses and hands tea.]\u00a0 Thank you.\u00a0 I\u2019ve quite a treat for you to-night, Algernon.\u00a0 I am going to send you down with Mary Farquhar.\u00a0 She is such a nice woman, and so attentive to her husband.\u00a0 It\u2019s delightful to watch them.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid, Aunt Augusta, I shall have to give up the pleasure of dining with you to-night after all.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Frowning.]\u00a0 I hope not, Algernon.\u00a0 It would put my table completely out.\u00a0 Your uncle would have to dine upstairs.\u00a0 Fortunately he is accustomed to that.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is a great bore, and, I need hardly say, a terrible disappointment to me, but the fact is I have just had a telegram to say that my poor friend Bunbury is very ill again.\u00a0 [Exchanges glances with Jack<\/b>.]\u00a0 They seem to think I should be with him.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 It is very strange.\u00a0 This Mr. Bunbury seems to suffer from curiously bad health.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die.\u00a0 This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd.\u00a0 Nor do I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids.\u00a0 I consider it morbid.\u00a0 Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others.\u00a0 Health is the primary duty of life.\u00a0 I am always telling that to your poor uncle, but he never seems to take much notice . . . as far as any improvement in his ailment goes.\u00a0 I should be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for I rely on you to arrange my music for me.\u00a0 It is my last reception, and one wants something that will encourage conversation, particularly at the end of the season[12]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I\u2019ll speak to Bunbury, Aunt Augusta, if he is still conscious, and I think I can promise you he\u2019ll be all right by Saturday.\u00a0 Of course the music is a great difficulty.\u00a0 You see, if one plays good music, people don\u2019t listen, and if one plays bad music people don\u2019t talk.\u00a0 But I\u2019ll run over the programme I\u2019ve drawn out, if you will kindly come into the next room for a moment.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Algernon.\u00a0 It is very thoughtful of you.\u00a0 [Rising, and following Algernon<\/b>.]\u00a0 I\u2019m sure the programme will be delightful, after a few expurgations.\u00a0 French songs I cannot possibly allow.\u00a0 People always seem to think that they are improper, and either look shocked, which is vulgar, or laugh, which is worse.\u00a0 But German sounds a thoroughly respectable language, and indeed, I believe is so.\u00a0 Gwendolen, you will accompany me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly, mamma.<\/p>\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> and Algernon<\/b> go into the music-room, Gwendolen<\/b> remains behind.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Charming day it has been, Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Pray don\u2019t talk to me about the weather, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 Whenever people talk to me about the weather, I always feel quite certain that they mean something else.\u00a0 And that makes me so nervous.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I do mean something else.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I thought so.\u00a0 In fact, I am never wrong.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 And I would like to be allowed to take advantage of Lady Bracknell\u2019s temporary absence . . .<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I would certainly advise you to do so.\u00a0 Mamma has a way of coming back suddenly into a room that I have often had to speak to her about.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Nervously.]\u00a0 Miss Fairfax, ever since I met you I have admired you more than any girl . . . I have ever met since . . . I met you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I am quite well aware of the fact.\u00a0 And I often wish that in public, at any rate, you had been more demonstrative.\u00a0 For me you have always had an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 Even before I met you I was far from indifferent to you.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> looks at her in amazement.]\u00a0 We live, as I hope you know, Mr. Worthing, in an age of ideals.\u00a0 The fact is constantly mentioned in the more expensive monthly magazines, and has reached the provincial pulpits, I am told; and my ideal has always been to love some one of the name of Ernest.\u00a0 There is something in that name that inspires absolute confidence.\u00a0 The moment Algernon first mentioned to me that he had a friend called Ernest, I knew I was destined to love you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You really love me, Gwendolen?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Passionately!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Darling!\u00a0 You don\u2019t know how happy you\u2019ve made me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 My own Ernest!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 But you don\u2019t really mean to say that you couldn\u2019t love me if my name wasn\u2019t Ernest?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 But your name is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, I know it is.\u00a0 But supposing it was something else?\u00a0 Do you mean to say you couldn\u2019t love me then?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Glibly.]\u00a0 Ah! that is clearly a metaphysical speculation, and like most metaphysical speculations has very little reference at all to the actual facts of real life, as we know them.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Personally, darling, to speak quite candidly, I don\u2019t much care about the name of Ernest . . . I don\u2019t think the name suits me at all.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 It suits you perfectly.\u00a0 It is a divine name.\u00a0 It has a music of its own.\u00a0 It produces vibrations.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, really, Gwendolen, I must say that I think there are lots of other much nicer names.\u00a0 I think Jack, for instance, a charming name.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Jack? . . . No, there is very little music in the name Jack, if any at all, indeed.\u00a0 It does not thrill.\u00a0 It produces absolutely no vibrations . . . I have known several Jacks, and they all, without exception, were more than usually plain.\u00a0 Besides, Jack is a notorious domesticity for John!\u00a0 And I pity any woman who is married to a man called John.\u00a0 She would probably never be allowed to know the entrancing pleasure of a single moment\u2019s solitude.\u00a0 The only really safe name is Ernest.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, I must get christened at once\u2014I mean we must get married at once.\u00a0 There is no time to be lost.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Married, Mr. Worthing?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Astounded.]\u00a0 Well . . . surely.\u00a0 You know that I love you, and you led me to believe, Miss Fairfax, that you were not absolutely indifferent to me.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I adore you.\u00a0 But you haven\u2019t proposed to me yet.\u00a0 Nothing has been said at all about marriage.\u00a0 The subject has not even been touched on.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well . . . may I propose to you now?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I think it would be an admirable opportunity.\u00a0 And to spare you any possible disappointment, Mr. Worthing, I think it only fair to tell you quite frankly before-hand that I am fully determined to accept you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, Mr. Worthing, what have you got to say to me?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You know what I have got to say to you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but you don\u2019t say it.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, will you marry me?\u00a0 [Goes on his knees.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course I will, darling.\u00a0 How long you have been about it!\u00a0 I am afraid you have had very little experience in how to propose.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one, I have never loved any one in the world but you.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but men often propose for practice.\u00a0 I know my brother Gerald does.\u00a0 All my girl-friends tell me so.\u00a0 What wonderfully blue eyes you have, Ernest!\u00a0 They are quite, quite, blue.\u00a0 I hope you will always look at me just like that, especially when there are other people present.\u00a0 [Enter Lady Bracknell<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Mr. Worthing!\u00a0 Rise, sir, from this semi-recumbent posture.\u00a0 It is most indecorous.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Mamma!\u00a0 [He tries to rise; she restrains him.]\u00a0 I must beg you to retire.\u00a0 This is no place for you.\u00a0 Besides, Mr. Worthing has not quite finished yet.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Finished what, may I ask?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 I am engaged to Mr. Worthing, mamma.\u00a0 [They rise together.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Pardon me, you are not engaged to any one.\u00a0 When you do become engaged to some one, I, or your father, should his health permit him, will inform you of the fact.\u00a0 An engagement should come on a young girl as a surprise, pleasant or unpleasant, as the case may be.\u00a0 It is hardly a matter that she could be allowed to arrange for herself . . . And now I have a few questions to put to you, Mr. Worthing.\u00a0 While I am making these inquiries, you, Gwendolen, will wait for me below in the carriage.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 [Reproachfully.]\u00a0 Mamma!<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In the carriage, Gwendolen!\u00a0 [Gwendolen<\/b> goes to the door.\u00a0 She and Jack<\/b> blow kisses to each other behind Lady Bracknell\u2019s<\/b> back.\u00a0 Lady Bracknell<\/b> looks vaguely about as if she could not understand what the noise was.\u00a0 Finally turns round.]\u00a0 Gwendolen, the carriage!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, mamma.\u00a0 [Goes out, looking back at Jack<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sitting down.]\u00a0 You can take a seat, Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

[Looks in her pocket for note-book and pencil.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Thank you, Lady Bracknell, I prefer standing.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Pencil and note-book in hand.]\u00a0 I feel bound to tell you that you are not down on my list of eligible young men, although I have the same list as the dear Duchess of Bolton has.\u00a0 We work together, in fact.\u00a0 However, I am quite ready to enter your name, should your answers be what a really affectionate mother requires.\u00a0 Do you smoke?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, yes, I must admit I smoke.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am glad to hear it.\u00a0 A man should always have an occupation of some kind.\u00a0 There are far too many idle men in London as it is.\u00a0 How old are you?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Twenty-nine.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A very good age to be married at.\u00a0 I have always been of opinion that a man who desires to get married should know either everything or nothing.\u00a0 Which do you know?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [After some hesitation.]\u00a0 I know nothing, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I am pleased to hear it.\u00a0 I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance.\u00a0 Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone.\u00a0 The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound.\u00a0 Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever.\u00a0 If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.\u00a0 What is your income?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Between seven and eight thousand a year.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Makes a note in her book.]\u00a0 In land, or in investments?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In investments, chiefly.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 That is satisfactory.\u00a0 What between the duties expected of one during one\u2019s lifetime, and the duties exacted from one after one\u2019s death[13]<\/sup><\/a>, land has ceased to be either a profit or a pleasure.\u00a0 It gives one position, and prevents one from keeping it up.\u00a0 That\u2019s all that can be said about land.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have a country house with some land, of course, attached to it, about fifteen hundred acres, I believe; but I don\u2019t depend on that for my real income.\u00a0 In fact, as far as I can make out, the poachers are the only people who make anything out of it.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A country house!\u00a0 How many bedrooms?\u00a0 Well, that point can be cleared up afterwards.\u00a0 You have a town house, I hope?\u00a0 A girl with a simple, unspoiled nature, like Gwendolen, could hardly be expected to reside in the country.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I own a house in Belgrave Square, but it is let by the year to Lady Bloxham.\u00a0 Of course, I can get it back whenever I like, at six months\u2019 notice.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Lady Bloxham?\u00a0 I don\u2019t know her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, she goes about very little.\u00a0 She is a lady considerably advanced in years.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Ah, nowadays that is no guarantee of respectability of character.\u00a0 What number in Belgrave Square[14]<\/sup><\/a>?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 149.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Shaking her head.]\u00a0 The unfashionable side.\u00a0 I thought there was something.\u00a0 However, that could easily be altered.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Do you mean the fashion, or the side?<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 [Sternly.]\u00a0 Both, if necessary, I presume.\u00a0 What are your politics?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I am afraid I really have none.\u00a0 I am a Liberal Unionist[15]<\/sup><\/a>.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, they count as Tories.\u00a0 They dine with us.\u00a0 Or come in the evening, at any rate.\u00a0 Now to minor matters.\u00a0 Are your parents living?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I have lost both my parents.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.\u00a0 Who was your father?\u00a0 He was evidently a man of some wealth.\u00a0 Was he born in what the Radical papers call the purple of commerce, or did he rise from the ranks of the aristocracy?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am afraid I really don\u2019t know.\u00a0 The fact is, Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost my parents.\u00a0 It would be nearer the truth to say that my parents seem to have lost me . . . I don\u2019t actually know who I am by birth.\u00a0 I was . . . well, I was found.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Found!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The late Mr. Thomas Cardew, an old gentleman of a very charitable and kindly disposition, found me, and gave me the name of Worthing, because he happened to have a first-class ticket for Worthing in his pocket at the time.\u00a0 Worthing is a place in Sussex.\u00a0 It is a seaside resort.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Where did the charitable gentleman who had a first-class ticket for this seaside resort find you?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Gravely.]\u00a0 In a hand-bag.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 A hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Very seriously.]\u00a0 Yes, Lady Bracknell.\u00a0 I was in a hand-bag\u2014a somewhat large, black leather hand-bag, with handles to it\u2014an ordinary hand-bag in fact.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 In what locality did this Mr. James, or Thomas, Cardew come across this ordinary hand-bag?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 In the cloak-room at Victoria Station[16]<\/sup><\/a>.\u00a0 It was given to him in mistake for his own.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The cloak-room at Victoria Station?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes.\u00a0 The Brighton line.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 The line is immaterial.\u00a0 Mr. Worthing, I confess I feel somewhat bewildered by what you have just told me.\u00a0 To be born, or at any rate bred, in a hand-bag, whether it had handles or not, seems to me to display a contempt for the ordinary decencies of family life that reminds one of the worst excesses of the French Revolution.\u00a0 And I presume you know what that unfortunate movement led to?\u00a0 As for the particular locality in which the hand-bag was found, a cloak-room at a railway station might serve to conceal a social indiscretion\u2014has probably, indeed, been used for that purpose before now\u2014but it could hardly be regarded as an assured basis for a recognised position in good society.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 May I ask you then what you would advise me to do?\u00a0 I need hardly say I would do anything in the world to ensure Gwendolen\u2019s happiness.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 I would strongly advise you, Mr. Worthing, to try and acquire some relations as soon as possible, and to make a definite effort to produce at any rate one parent, of either sex, before the season is quite over.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I don\u2019t see how I could possibly manage to do that.\u00a0 I can produce the hand-bag at any moment.\u00a0 It is in my dressing-room at home.\u00a0 I really think that should satisfy you, Lady Bracknell.<\/p>\n

Lady Bracknell.<\/b>\u00a0 Me, sir!\u00a0 What has it to do with me?\u00a0 You can hardly imagine that I and Lord Bracknell would dream of allowing our only daughter\u2014a girl brought up with the utmost care\u2014to marry into a cloak-room, and form an alliance with a parcel?\u00a0 Good morning, Mr. Worthing!<\/p>\n

[Lady Bracknell<\/b> sweeps out in majestic indignation.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Good morning!\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b>, from the other room, strikes up the Wedding March.\u00a0 Jack looks perfectly furious, and goes to the door.]\u00a0 For goodness\u2019 sake don\u2019t play that ghastly tune, Algy.\u00a0 How idiotic you are!<\/p>\n

[The music stops and Algernon<\/b> enters cheerily.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Didn\u2019t it go off all right, old boy?\u00a0 You don\u2019t mean to say Gwendolen refused you?\u00a0 I know it is a way she has.\u00a0 She is always refusing people.\u00a0 I think it is most ill-natured of her.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, Gwendolen is as right as a trivet[17]<\/sup><\/a>.\u00a0 As far as she is concerned, we are engaged.\u00a0 Her mother is perfectly unbearable.\u00a0 Never met such a Gorgon[18]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0. . . I don\u2019t really know what a Gorgon is like, but I am quite sure that Lady Bracknell is one.\u00a0 In any case, she is a monster, without being a myth, which is rather unfair . . . I beg your pardon, Algy, I suppose I shouldn\u2019t talk about your own aunt in that way before you.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 My dear boy, I love hearing my relations abused.\u00a0 It is the only thing that makes me put up with them at all.\u00a0 Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven\u2019t got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It isn\u2019t!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I won\u2019t argue about the matter.\u00a0 You always want to argue about things.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 That is exactly what things were originally made for.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Upon my word, if I thought that, I\u2019d shoot myself . . . [A pause.]\u00a0 You don\u2019t think there is any chance of Gwendolen becoming like her mother in about a hundred and fifty years, do you, Algy?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 All women become like their mothers.\u00a0 That is their tragedy.\u00a0 No man does.\u00a0 That\u2019s his.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Is that clever?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is perfectly phrased! and quite as true as any observation in civilised life should be.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I am sick to death of cleverness.\u00a0 Everybody is clever nowadays.\u00a0 You can\u2019t go anywhere without meeting clever people.\u00a0 The thing has become an absolute public nuisance.\u00a0 I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 We have.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I should extremely like to meet them.\u00a0 What do they talk about?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The fools?\u00a0 Oh! about the clever people, of course.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 What fools!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 By the way, did you tell Gwendolen the truth about your being Ernest in town, and Jack in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [In a very patronising manner.]\u00a0 My dear fellow, the truth isn\u2019t quite the sort of thing one tells to a nice, sweet, refined girl.\u00a0 What extraordinary ideas you have about the way to behave to a woman!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her, if she is pretty, and to some one else, if she is plain.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is nonsense.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What about your brother?\u00a0 What about the profligate Ernest?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, before the end of the week I shall have got rid of him.\u00a0 I\u2019ll say he died in Paris of apoplexy.\u00a0 Lots of people die of apoplexy, quite suddenly, don\u2019t they?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, but it\u2019s hereditary, my dear fellow.\u00a0 It\u2019s a sort of thing that runs in families.\u00a0 You had much better say a severe chill.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You are sure a severe chill isn\u2019t hereditary, or anything of that kind?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Of course it isn\u2019t!<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Very well, then.\u00a0 My poor brother Ernest to carried off suddenly, in Paris, by a severe chill.\u00a0 That gets rid of him.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 But I thought you said that . . . Miss Cardew was a little too much interested in your poor brother Ernest?\u00a0 Won\u2019t she feel his loss a good deal?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that is all right.\u00a0 Cecily is not a silly romantic girl, I am glad to say.\u00a0 She has got a capital appetite, goes long walks, and pays no attention at all to her lessons.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I would rather like to see Cecily.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I will take very good care you never do.\u00a0 She is excessively pretty, and she is only just eighteen.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Have you told Gwendolen yet that you have an excessively pretty ward who is only just eighteen?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh! one doesn\u2019t blurt these things out to people.\u00a0 Cecily and Gwendolen are perfectly certain to be extremely great friends.\u00a0 I\u2019ll bet you anything you like that half an hour after they have met, they will be calling each other sister.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Women only do that when they have called each other a lot of other things first.\u00a0 Now, my dear boy, if we want to get a good table at Willis\u2019s, we really must go and dress.\u00a0 Do you know it is nearly seven?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [Irritably.]\u00a0 Oh!\u00a0 It always is nearly seven.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, I\u2019m hungry.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 I never knew you when you weren\u2019t . . .<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 What shall we do after dinner?\u00a0 Go to a theatre?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh no!\u00a0 I loathe listening.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, let us go to the Club?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I hate talking.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, we might trot round to the Empire[19]<\/sup><\/a>\u00a0at ten?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, no!\u00a0 I can\u2019t bear looking at things.\u00a0 It is so silly.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Well, what shall we do?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Nothing!<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 It is awfully hard work doing nothing.\u00a0 However, I don\u2019t mind hard work where there is no definite object of any kind.<\/p>\n

[Enter Lane<\/b>.]<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Miss Fairfax.<\/p>\n

[Enter Gwendolen<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes out.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Gwendolen, upon my word!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, kindly turn your back.\u00a0 I have something very particular to say to Mr. Worthing.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Really, Gwendolen, I don\u2019t think I can allow this at all.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Algy, you always adopt a strictly immoral attitude towards life.\u00a0 You are not quite old enough to do that.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> retires to the fireplace.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own darling!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Ernest, we may never be married.\u00a0 From the expression on mamma\u2019s face I fear we never shall.\u00a0 Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them.\u00a0 The old-fashioned respect for the young is fast dying out.\u00a0 Whatever influence I ever had over mamma, I lost at the age of three.\u00a0 But although she may prevent us from becoming man and wife, and I may marry some one else, and marry often, nothing that she can possibly do can alter my eternal devotion to you.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Dear Gwendolen!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 The story of your romantic origin, as related to me by mamma, with unpleasing comments, has naturally stirred the deeper fibres of my nature.\u00a0 Your Christian name has an irresistible fascination.\u00a0 The simplicity of your character makes you exquisitely incomprehensible to me.\u00a0 Your town address at the Albany I have.\u00a0 What is your address in the country?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 The Manor House, Woolton[20]<\/sup><\/a>, Hertfordshire.<\/p>\n

[Algernon<\/b>, who has been carefully listening, smiles to himself, and writes the address on his shirt-cuff.\u00a0 Then picks up the Railway Guide.]<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 There is a good postal service, I suppose?\u00a0 It may be necessary to do something desperate.\u00a0 That of course will require serious consideration.\u00a0 I will communicate with you daily.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 My own one!<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 How long do you remain in town?<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Till Monday.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Good!\u00a0 Algy, you may turn round now.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Thanks, I\u2019ve turned round already.<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 You may also ring the bell.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 You will let me see you to your carriage, my own darling?<\/p>\n

Gwendolen.<\/b>\u00a0 Certainly.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 [To Lane<\/b>, who now enters.]\u00a0 I will see Miss Fairfax out.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Jack<\/b> and Gwendolen<\/b> go off.]<\/p>\n

[Lane<\/b> presents several letters on a salver to Algernon<\/b>.\u00a0 It is to be surmised that they are bills, as Algernon<\/b>, after looking at the envelopes, tears them up.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 A glass of sherry, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 To-morrow, Lane, I\u2019m going Bunburying.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I shall probably not be back till Monday.\u00a0 You can put up my dress clothes, my smoking jacket, and all the Bunbury suits . . .<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 Yes, sir.\u00a0 [Handing sherry.]<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I hope to-morrow will be a fine day, Lane.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 It never is, sir.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Lane, you\u2019re a perfect pessimist.<\/p>\n

Lane.<\/b>\u00a0 I do my best to give satisfaction, sir.<\/p>\n

[Enter Jack<\/b>.\u00a0 Lane<\/b> goes off.]<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 There\u2019s a sensible, intellectual girl! the only girl I ever cared for in my life.\u00a0 [Algernon<\/b> is laughing immoderately.]\u00a0 What on earth are you so amused at?<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, I\u2019m a little anxious about poor Bunbury, that is all.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 If you don\u2019t take care, your friend Bunbury will get you into a serious scrape some day.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 I love scrapes.\u00a0 They are the only things that are never serious.<\/p>\n

Jack.<\/b>\u00a0 Oh, that\u2019s nonsense, Algy.\u00a0 You never talk anything but nonsense.<\/p>\n

Algernon.<\/b>\u00a0 Nobody ever does.<\/p>\n

[Jack<\/b> looks indignantly at him, and leaves the room.\u00a0 Algernon<\/b> lights a cigarette, reads his shirt-cuff, and smiles.]<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n\t\t\t

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Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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