{"id":627,"date":"2015-02-02T19:03:41","date_gmt":"2015-02-02T19:03:41","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.candelalearning.com\/englishforbusiness\/?post_type=chapter&p=627"},"modified":"2015-03-08T10:50:34","modified_gmt":"2015-03-08T10:50:34","slug":"sample-assignment","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-hccc-businesscommunication\/chapter\/sample-assignment\/","title":{"raw":"Sample Assessment: Email Evaluation","rendered":"Sample Assessment: Email Evaluation"},"content":{"raw":"This assessment involves using a table to critique and rewrite a pair of related emails. \u00a0Note that it is important for you to critique each element in the table and that you recognize that some elements have more than one problem.\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nInstructions: Read this email and the response to it.\u00a0Use the\u00a0table\u00a0below\u00a0to critique the elements in the original e-mail and then revise it and the response to it.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
\r\n\r\nTO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com>\r\n\r\nFROM: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com>\r\n\r\nSENT: Wed, July 27, 2011\r\n\r\nSUBJECT: Colt\r\n\r\nHello,\r\n\r\nI have a 2 month old colt here you should probably consider as a stallion prospect. He\u2019s by Crossroads Laurentianhttp:\/\/www.allbreedpedigree.com\/crossroads+laurentian and out of Glorious Seed - http:\/\/www.pedigreequery.com\/glorious+seed (with Bold Axe in her pedigree = priceless!!!)\r\n\r\nHe is liver chestnut with a crescent moon on his face and one small hind sock. Named The Glorious Mooner. He is stunning. Gorgeous mover. Reinhardt Blaumann put my mare together with Laurentian because she is so refined.\r\n\r\nCrossroads Laurentian has sired some world beaters - Midnight Run, Once Again In Time and the deceased Highcliff Honors. The first two are Champ & Reserve every time out in 2011 I believe.\r\n\r\nHis half sister is winning with an amateur rider (I have attached two pictures of her). She is Champ most times out as well and always wins the hack too.\r\n\r\nSorry the picture of him was with my Blackberry. Let me know what you think. I\u2019m trying to do some things here at the farm since my wife died and the time it takes are more than I can manage so he needs to be sold - $12,000. Thanks so much.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n \r\n
\r\n\r\nTO: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com>\r\n\r\nFROM: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com>\r\n\r\nCC: Caroline Woods <fortheloveofponies@yahoo.com>\r\n\r\nSENT: Thursday, July 28, 2011\r\n\r\nSUBJECT: Re: Colt\/Stallion Prospect\r\n\r\nDear Charles,\r\n\r\nThank you for considering my program for your stallion prospect, and my condolences on the loss of your wife.\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nAt this time, however, I am more than satisfied with the hunter prospects my mares are producing crossed on Glory Days Ben Earl.\r\n\r\nI have cc\u2019ed this email to Caroline Woods, a young lady here in Florida who is in the start-up phase of her own breeding operation. Since her family maintains property in Virginia, perhaps she will have a place for your colt in her plans. Good luck with him.\r\n\r\nA. Thomas Lighthouse\r\n\r\nLighthorse Ranch, LLC\r\n\r\nhttp:\/\/www.Lighthorse.com\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n
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\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n \r\n

Critique of E-Mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse<\/h3>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n1. Salutation\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n2. Subject line\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n3. Content\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
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\r\n\r\n4. Tone\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n5. Grammar\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n6. Sentence and paragraph structure\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n7. Closing paragraph\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n8. Signature\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n<\/tbody>\r\n<\/table>\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\n\r\n \r\n

Completed Answer Key<\/h2>\r\nOnce you have completed the table, compare your work to The Saylor Foundation\u2019s \u201cEmail Assessment Answers\u201d\u00a0below.\r\n\r\nRealize, however, that while your revised emails should improve the elements you criticized, there are many ways to do so and thus the emails you produce will not be the same as the examples provided in the answers.\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nCritique of E-mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse<\/strong>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n1. Salutation\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Too informal and does not identify the recipient by name.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n2. Subject line\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Insufficient information to identify the subject or purpose of e-mail.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n3. Content\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Content is focused on sender\u2019s information rather than recipient\u2019s needs. \u2022 Descriptions are too subjective.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Important credibility-generating information (reference to presumed expert R. Blaumann) is buried instead of highlighted early.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Omitting words (\u201cthe picture . . . was with\u201d instead of \u201cthe picture . . . was taken with\u201d; \u201cSorry . . .\u201d instead of \u201cI am sorry...\u201d) also illustrates excessive informality and corresponding lack of professionalism.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n4. Tone\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
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\r\n\r\n\u2022 Tone is very demanding and abrupt, producing an approach that is too casual and thus fails to establish a professional environment for any potential business transactions.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n5. Grammar\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Needs to use complete sentences throughout, omit exclamations, reduce wordiness, avoid parenthetical afterthoughts, spell out abbreviations and numbers under 10, use words instead of symbols, omit unnecessary capitalization. Also contains some missing commas and subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., \u201cthe time . . . are\u201d should be \u201cthe time . . . is\u201d).\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n6. Sentence and paragraph structure\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Too many short, choppy sentences and paragraphs. \u2022 Lacks transitional devices to connect ideas.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Paragraphs should be merged so they do not exceed the three-paragraph standard.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Should embed hyperlinks to avoid sentence clutter.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n7. Closing paragraph\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Should not have sent a poor image\u2014lack of effort in presentation implies an unprofessional approach to the business relationship and is made more unfortunately memorable by emphasizing the problem in the closing paragraph.\r\n\r\n\u2022 The residual element \u201clet me know what you think\u201d is unlikely to spur action; the request is vague.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Inclusion of personal information to justify price is unnecessary and unprofessional.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Shorthand style referring to colt\u2019s traits and to price is abrupt and does not prepare reader to receive important final points.\r\n\r\n\u2022 Thanking someone before they have done anything is presumptive and could imply carelessness, rushing, or lack of effort to end with a meaningful statement.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n8. Signature\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n\u2022 Signature element is missing; it should be included to identify the business and provide additional contact information, such as an address. The e-mail address alone is insufficient.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nTO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <ATLight@LighthouseHorses.com> FROM: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com>\r\nSENT: Wed, July 27, 2011\r\nSUBJECT: Stallion Prospect\r\n\r\nDear Mr. Lighthouse,\r\n\r\nI am contacting you to let you know about a nice colt I have: The Glorious Mooner, a two-month-old chestnut with a crescent moon on his face. Reinhardt Blaumann recommended that I breed my mare Glorious Seed (sired by Bold Ace) to Crossroads Laurentian last year, and this colt is the result. I am hoping you will recognize his potential as a breeding stallion.\r\n\r\nCrossroads Laurentian has himself sired some very nice show horses, including 2011 champions Midnight Run and Once Again In Time as well as the deceased Highcliff Honors. I do not have a picture of Crossroad Laurentian, but I have attached two pictures of his half sister, a frequent champion and consistent hack winner.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately, the picture I\u2019ve attached of the Glorious Mooner was taken with my Blackberry, so it isn\u2019t the best quality\u2014but I do think the colt is! I have priced him at $12,000, but even if you aren\u2019t interested in a purchase at this time, I\u2019d appreciate getting your opinion of him. I am motivated to sell and respect your experience and judgment.\r\n\r\nRespectfully, Charles Beckner\r\n\r\nBeckner Farm\r\n21 Front River Rd. Altamont, VA 23456 (704) 989-1256\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\n10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n
\r\n\r\nTO: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com>\r\nFROM: A. Thomas Lighthouse <ATLight@LighthouseHorses.com> CC: Caroline Woods <fortheloveofhorses@yahoo.com>\r\nSENT: Thursday, July 28, 2011\r\nSUBJECT: Re: Stallion Prospect\r\n\r\nDear Charles,\r\n\r\nI was saddened to learn of your wife\u2019s passing. Please extend my condolences to your family and recognize that I am honored that you would consider my breeding program during these difficult times.\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div><\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n<\/tbody>\r\n<\/table>\r\n ","rendered":"

This assessment involves using a table to critique and rewrite a pair of related emails. \u00a0Note that it is important for you to critique each element in the table and that you recognize that some elements have more than one problem.<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n

Instructions: Read this email and the response to it.\u00a0Use the\u00a0table\u00a0below\u00a0to critique the elements in the original e-mail and then revise it and the response to it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n

TO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com><\/p>\n

FROM: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com><\/p>\n

SENT: Wed, July 27, 2011<\/p>\n

SUBJECT: Colt<\/p>\n

Hello,<\/p>\n

I have a 2 month old colt here you should probably consider as a stallion prospect. He\u2019s by Crossroads Laurentianhttp:\/\/www.allbreedpedigree.com\/crossroads+laurentian and out of Glorious Seed – http:\/\/www.pedigreequery.com\/glorious+seed (with Bold Axe in her pedigree = priceless!!!)<\/p>\n

He is liver chestnut with a crescent moon on his face and one small hind sock. Named The Glorious Mooner. He is stunning. Gorgeous mover. Reinhardt Blaumann put my mare together with Laurentian because she is so refined.<\/p>\n

Crossroads Laurentian has sired some world beaters – Midnight Run, Once Again In Time and the deceased Highcliff Honors. The first two are Champ & Reserve every time out in 2011 I believe.<\/p>\n

His half sister is winning with an amateur rider (I have attached two pictures of her). She is Champ most times out as well and always wins the hack too.<\/p>\n

Sorry the picture of him was with my Blackberry. Let me know what you think. I\u2019m trying to do some things here at the farm since my wife died and the time it takes are more than I can manage so he needs to be sold – $12,000. Thanks so much.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

 <\/p>\n

\n

TO: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com><\/p>\n

FROM: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com><\/p>\n

CC: Caroline Woods <fortheloveofponies@yahoo.com><\/p>\n

SENT: Thursday, July 28, 2011<\/p>\n

SUBJECT: Re: Colt\/Stallion Prospect<\/p>\n

Dear Charles,<\/p>\n

Thank you for considering my program for your stallion prospect, and my condolences on the loss of your wife.<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n

At this time, however, I am more than satisfied with the hunter prospects my mares are producing crossed on Glory Days Ben Earl.<\/p>\n

I have cc\u2019ed this email to Caroline Woods, a young lady here in Florida who is in the start-up phase of her own breeding operation. Since her family maintains property in Virginia, perhaps she will have a place for your colt in her plans. Good luck with him.<\/p>\n

A. Thomas Lighthouse<\/p>\n

Lighthorse Ranch, LLC<\/p>\n

http:\/\/www.Lighthorse.com<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n

 <\/p>\n

Critique of E-Mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse<\/h3>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

1. Salutation<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

2. Subject line<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

3. Content<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

4. Tone<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

5. Grammar<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

6. Sentence and paragraph structure<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

7. Closing paragraph<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
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\n
\n
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8. Signature<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
\n
\n
\n
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\n

10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Completed Answer Key<\/h2>\n

Once you have completed the table, compare your work to The Saylor Foundation\u2019s \u201cEmail Assessment Answers\u201d\u00a0below.<\/p>\n

Realize, however, that while your revised emails should improve the elements you criticized, there are many ways to do so and thus the emails you produce will not be the same as the examples provided in the answers.<\/p>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n

Critique of E-mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
\n
\n
\n
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\n

1. Salutation<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\u2022 Too informal and does not identify the recipient by name.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

2. Subject line<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\u2022 Insufficient information to identify the subject or purpose of e-mail.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

3. Content<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\u2022 Content is focused on sender\u2019s information rather than recipient\u2019s needs. \u2022 Descriptions are too subjective.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Important credibility-generating information (reference to presumed expert R. Blaumann) is buried instead of highlighted early.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Omitting words (\u201cthe picture . . . was with\u201d instead of \u201cthe picture . . . was taken with\u201d; \u201cSorry . . .\u201d instead of \u201cI am sorry…\u201d) also illustrates excessive informality and corresponding lack of professionalism.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

4. Tone<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\u2022 Tone is very demanding and abrupt, producing an approach that is too casual and thus fails to establish a professional environment for any potential business transactions.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

5. Grammar<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

\u2022 Needs to use complete sentences throughout, omit exclamations, reduce wordiness, avoid parenthetical afterthoughts, spell out abbreviations and numbers under 10, use words instead of symbols, omit unnecessary capitalization. Also contains some missing commas and subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., \u201cthe time . . . are\u201d should be \u201cthe time . . . is\u201d).<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

6. Sentence and paragraph structure<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n
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\u2022 Too many short, choppy sentences and paragraphs. \u2022 Lacks transitional devices to connect ideas.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Paragraphs should be merged so they do not exceed the three-paragraph standard.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Should embed hyperlinks to avoid sentence clutter.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

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7. Closing paragraph<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

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\u2022 Should not have sent a poor image\u2014lack of effort in presentation implies an unprofessional approach to the business relationship and is made more unfortunately memorable by emphasizing the problem in the closing paragraph.<\/p>\n

\u2022 The residual element \u201clet me know what you think\u201d is unlikely to spur action; the request is vague.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Inclusion of personal information to justify price is unnecessary and unprofessional.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Shorthand style referring to colt\u2019s traits and to price is abrupt and does not prepare reader to receive important final points.<\/p>\n

\u2022 Thanking someone before they have done anything is presumptive and could imply carelessness, rushing, or lack of effort to end with a meaningful statement.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

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8. Signature<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

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\u2022 Signature element is missing; it should be included to identify the business and provide additional contact information, such as an address. The e-mail address alone is insufficient.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

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9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

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TO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <ATLight@LighthouseHorses.com> FROM: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com>
\nSENT: Wed, July 27, 2011
\nSUBJECT: Stallion Prospect<\/p>\n

Dear Mr. Lighthouse,<\/p>\n

I am contacting you to let you know about a nice colt I have: The Glorious Mooner, a two-month-old chestnut with a crescent moon on his face. Reinhardt Blaumann recommended that I breed my mare Glorious Seed (sired by Bold Ace) to Crossroads Laurentian last year, and this colt is the result. I am hoping you will recognize his potential as a breeding stallion.<\/p>\n

Crossroads Laurentian has himself sired some very nice show horses, including 2011 champions Midnight Run and Once Again In Time as well as the deceased Highcliff Honors. I do not have a picture of Crossroad Laurentian, but I have attached two pictures of his half sister, a frequent champion and consistent hack winner.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, the picture I\u2019ve attached of the Glorious Mooner was taken with my Blackberry, so it isn\u2019t the best quality\u2014but I do think the colt is! I have priced him at $12,000, but even if you aren\u2019t interested in a purchase at this time, I\u2019d appreciate getting your opinion of him. I am motivated to sell and respect your experience and judgment.<\/p>\n

Respectfully, Charles Beckner<\/p>\n

Beckner Farm
\n21 Front River Rd. Altamont, VA 23456 (704) 989-1256<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n

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10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n

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TO: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com>
\nFROM: A. Thomas Lighthouse <ATLight@LighthouseHorses.com> CC: Caroline Woods <fortheloveofhorses@yahoo.com>
\nSENT: Thursday, July 28, 2011
\nSUBJECT: Re: Stallion Prospect<\/p>\n

Dear Charles,<\/p>\n

I was saddened to learn of your wife\u2019s passing. Please extend my condolences to your family and recognize that I am honored that you would consider my breeding program during these difficult times.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

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Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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CC licensed content, Shared previously<\/div>