{"id":338,"date":"2014-09-28T02:48:10","date_gmt":"2014-09-28T02:48:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.candelalearning.com\/lifespandevelopment1x1\/?post_type=chapter&p=338"},"modified":"2016-03-16T18:00:36","modified_gmt":"2016-03-16T18:00:36","slug":"types-of-love","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-lifespandevelopment2\/chapter\/types-of-love\/","title":{"raw":"Types of Love","rendered":"Types of Love"},"content":{"raw":"

Sternberg\u2019s Triangle of Love: Three Components<\/h2>\r\n\"HappySternberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment.\u00a0Love relationships vary depending on the presence or absence of each of these components.\u00a0Passion refers to the intense, physical attraction partners feel toward one another.\u00a0Intimacy involves the ability the share feelings, personal thoughts and psychological closeness with the other.\u00a0Commitment is the conscious decision to stay together.\u00a0Passion can be found in the early stages of a relationship, but intimacy takes time to develop because it is based on knowledge of the partner.\u00a0Once intimacy has been established, partners may resolve to stay in the relationship.\u00a0Although many would agree that all three components are important to a relationship, many love relationships do not consist of all three.\u00a0Let's look at other possibilities.\r\n\r\nLiking<\/strong>:\u00a0In this relationship, intimacy or knowledge of the other and a sense of closeness is present.\u00a0Passion and commitment, however, are not.\u00a0Partners feel free to be themselves and disclose personal information.\u00a0They may feel that the other person knows them well and can be honest with them and let them know if they think the person is wrong.\u00a0These partners are friends.\u00a0However, being told that your partner 'thinks of you as a friend' can be a devastating blow if you are attracted to them and seek a romantic involvement.\r\n\r\nInfatuation<\/strong>:\u00a0Perhaps, this is Sternberg's version of \"love at first sight\".\u00a0Infatuation consists of an immediate, intense physical attraction to someone.\u00a0A person who is infatuated finds it hard to think of anything but the other person.\u00a0Brief encounters are played over and over in one's head; it may be difficult to eat and there may be a rather constant state of arousal.\u00a0Infatuation is rather short-lived, however, lasting perhaps only a matter of months or as long as a year or so.\u00a0It tends to be based on chemical attraction and an image of what one thinks the other is all about.\r\n\r\nFatuous Love<\/strong>: However, some people who have a strong physical attraction push for commitment early in the relationship.\u00a0Passion and commitment are aspects of fatuous love.\u00a0There is no intimacy and the commitment is premature.\u00a0Partners rarely talk seriously or share their ideas.\u00a0They focus on their intense physical attraction and yet one, or both, is also talking of making a lasting commitment.\u00a0Sometimes this is out of a sense of insecurity and a desire to make sure the partner is locked into the relationship.\r\n\r\nEmpty Love<\/strong>: This type of love may be found later in a relationship or in a relationship that was formed to meet needs other than intimacy or passion (money, childrearing, status).\u00a0Here the partners are committed to staying in the relationship (for the children, because of a religious conviction, or because there are no alternatives perhaps), but do not share ideas or feelings with each other and have no physical attraction for one another.\r\n\r\nRomantic Love<\/strong>: Intimacy and passion are components of romantic love, but there is no commitment.\u00a0The\u00a0partners spend much time with one another and enjoy their closeness but have not made plans to continue 'no matter what'.\u00a0This\u00a0may be true because they are not in a position to make such commitments or because they are looking for passion and closeness and are afraid it will die out if they commit to one another and start to focus on other kinds of obligations.\r\n\r\nCompanionate Love<\/strong>: Intimacy and commitment are the hallmarks of companionate love.\u00a0Partners love and respect one another and they are committed to staying together.\u00a0But their physical attraction may have never been strong or may have just died out.\u00a0This\u00a0may be interpreted as 'just the way things are' after so much time together or there may be a sense of regret and loss.\u00a0Nevertheless, partners are good friends committed to one another.\r\n\r\nConsummate Love<\/strong>: Intimacy, passion, and commitment are present in consummate love.\u00a0This\u00a0is often the ideal type of love.\u00a0The\u00a0couple shares passion; the spark has not died, and the closeness is there.\u00a0They feel like best friends as well as lovers and they are committed to staying together.\r\n

Types of Lovers<\/h2>\r\nLee (1973) offers a theory of love styles or types of lovers derived from an analysis of writings about love through the centuries.\u00a0As you read these, think about how these styles might become part of the types of love described above.\r\n\r\nPragma<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love that emphasizes the practical aspects of love.\u00a0The\u00a0pragmatic lover considers compatibility and the sensibility of their choice of partners.\u00a0This\u00a0lover will be concerned with goals in life, status, family reputation, attitudes about parenting, career issues and other practical concerns.\r\n\r\nMania<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love characterized by volatility, insecurity, and possessiveness.\u00a0This\u00a0lover gets highly upset during arguments or breakups, may have trouble sleeping when in love, and feels emotions very intensely.\r\n\r\nAgape<\/strong>\u00a0is an altruistic, selfless love.\u00a0These partners give of themselves without expecting anything in return.\u00a0Such a lover places the partner's happiness above their own and is self-sacrificing to benefit the partner.\r\n\r\nEros<\/strong>\u00a0is an erotic style of loving in which the person feels consumed.\u00a0Physical chemistry and emotional involvement are important to this type of lover.\r\n\r\nLudus<\/strong>\u00a0refers to a style of loving that emphasizes the game of seduction and fun.\u00a0Such a lover stays away from commitment and often has several love interests at the same time.\u00a0This\u00a0lover does not self-disclose and in fact may prefer to keep the other guessing.\u00a0This\u00a0lover can end a relationship easily.\r\n\r\nStorge<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love that develops slowly over time.\u00a0It often begins as a friendship and becomes sexual much later. These partners are likely to remain friends even after the breakup.\r\n

Frames of Relationships<\/h2>\r\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0A \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0H \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0M<\/h1>\r\nAnother useful way to consider relationships is to consider the amount of dependency in the relationship.\u00a0Davidson (1991) suggests three models.\u00a0The \u00a0A-frame<\/strong>\u00a0relationship is one in which the partners lean on one another and are highly dependent on the other for survival.\u00a0If one partner changes, the other is at risk of 'falling over'.\u00a0This\u00a0type of relationship cannot easily accommodate change and the partners are vulnerable should change occur.\u00a0A breakup could be devastating.\r\n\r\nThe\u00a0H-frame\u00a0<\/strong>relationship is one in which the partners live parallel lives.\u00a0They rarely spend time with one another and tend to have separate lives.\u00a0What time they do share is usually spent meeting obligations rather than sharing intimacies.\u00a0This\u00a0independent type of relationship can end without suffering emotionally.\r\n\r\nThe\u00a0M-frame<\/strong>\u00a0relationship is interdependent.\u00a0Partners have a strong sense of connection but also are able to stand alone without suffering devastation.\u00a0If this relationship ends, partners will be hurt and saddened, but will still be able to stand alone.\u00a0This\u00a0ability comes from a strong sense of self-love.\u00a0Partners can love each other without losing a sense of self.\u00a0And each individual has self-respect and confidence that enriches the relationship as well as strengthens the self.\r\n\r\nWe have been looking at love in the context of many kinds of relationships.\u00a0In our next lesson, we will focus more specifically on marital relationships.\u00a0But before we do, we examine the dynamics of falling in and out of love.\r\n

The Process of Love and Breaking Up<\/h2>\r\nReiss (1960) provides a theory of love as process.\u00a0Based on the\u00a0wheel theory of love, love relationships begin with the establishment of\u00a0rapport.\r\n\r\nRapport involves sharing likes, preferences, establishing some common interests.\u00a0The\u00a0next step is to begin to disclose more personal information through\u00a0self-revelation.\u00a0When one person begins to open up, the social expectation is that the other will follow and also share more personal information so that each has made some risk and trust is built.\u00a0Sexual intimacy may also become part of the relationship.\u00a0Gradually, partners begin to disclose even more about themselves and are met with support and acceptance as they build\u00a0mutual dependency.\u00a0With time, partners come to rely on each other for\u00a0need fulfillment.\u00a0The\u00a0wheel must continue in order for love to last.\u00a0It becomes important for partners to continue to establish rapport by discussing the day's events, communicating about their goals and desires, and showing signs of trust.\u00a0Partners must continue to rely on one another to have certain needs fulfilled.\u00a0If the wheel turns backward, partners talk less and less, rely less on one another and are less likely to disclose.\r\n

Process of Disaffection:\u00a0Breaking Up<\/h2>\r\nWhen relationships are new, partners tend to give one another the benefit of the doubt and focus on what they like about one another.\u00a0Flaws and imperfections do not go unnoticed; rather, they are described as endearing qualities.\u00a0So, for example, the partner who has a very large nose is described as 'distinguished' or as having a 'striking feature.'\u00a0This is very exhilarating because features that someone may have previously felt self-conscious about are now accepted or even appreciated.\u00a0However, once partners begin the process of breaking up, these views are abandoned and questionable qualities are once again flaws and imperfections.\r\n\r\nKersten (1990) provides a look at the dynamics of breaking up.\u00a0Although this work is primarily about divorce, the dynamics of dissolving any long-term relationship are similar.\u00a0The\u00a0beginning phase\u00a0of breaking up involves seeing imperfections in the relationship but remaining hopeful that things will improve.\u00a0This\u00a0improvement will require the partner's cooperation because they are primarily at fault.\u00a0So, as long as the offending partner makes the necessary changes, and of course the offended partner will provide the advice, support, and guidance required, the relationship will continue.\u00a0(If you are thinking that this is not going to work-you are right.\u00a0Attempts to change one's partner are usually doomed to failure.\u00a0Would you want your partner to try to change you?)\r\n\r\nOnce it becomes clear that efforts to change are futile, the\u00a0middle phase\u00a0is entered.\u00a0This\u00a0phase is marked by disappointment.\u00a0Partners talk less and less, make little eye contact, and grow further apart.\u00a0One may still try to make contact, but the other is clearly disengaged and is considering the benefits and costs of leaving the relationship.\r\n\r\nIn the\u00a0end phase, the decision to leave has been made.\u00a0The\u00a0specific details are being worked out.\u00a0Turning a relationship around is very difficult at this point.\u00a0Trust has diminished, and thoughts have turned elsewhere.\u00a0This\u00a0stage is one of hopelessness.\r\n\r\nWe will explore marriage, divorce, and cohabitation more fully in our next lesson.","rendered":"

Sternberg\u2019s Triangle of Love: Three Components<\/h2>\n

\"HappySternberg (1988) suggests that there are three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment.\u00a0Love relationships vary depending on the presence or absence of each of these components.\u00a0Passion refers to the intense, physical attraction partners feel toward one another.\u00a0Intimacy involves the ability the share feelings, personal thoughts and psychological closeness with the other.\u00a0Commitment is the conscious decision to stay together.\u00a0Passion can be found in the early stages of a relationship, but intimacy takes time to develop because it is based on knowledge of the partner.\u00a0Once intimacy has been established, partners may resolve to stay in the relationship.\u00a0Although many would agree that all three components are important to a relationship, many love relationships do not consist of all three.\u00a0Let’s look at other possibilities.<\/p>\n

Liking<\/strong>:\u00a0In this relationship, intimacy or knowledge of the other and a sense of closeness is present.\u00a0Passion and commitment, however, are not.\u00a0Partners feel free to be themselves and disclose personal information.\u00a0They may feel that the other person knows them well and can be honest with them and let them know if they think the person is wrong.\u00a0These partners are friends.\u00a0However, being told that your partner ‘thinks of you as a friend’ can be a devastating blow if you are attracted to them and seek a romantic involvement.<\/p>\n

Infatuation<\/strong>:\u00a0Perhaps, this is Sternberg’s version of “love at first sight”.\u00a0Infatuation consists of an immediate, intense physical attraction to someone.\u00a0A person who is infatuated finds it hard to think of anything but the other person.\u00a0Brief encounters are played over and over in one’s head; it may be difficult to eat and there may be a rather constant state of arousal.\u00a0Infatuation is rather short-lived, however, lasting perhaps only a matter of months or as long as a year or so.\u00a0It tends to be based on chemical attraction and an image of what one thinks the other is all about.<\/p>\n

Fatuous Love<\/strong>: However, some people who have a strong physical attraction push for commitment early in the relationship.\u00a0Passion and commitment are aspects of fatuous love.\u00a0There is no intimacy and the commitment is premature.\u00a0Partners rarely talk seriously or share their ideas.\u00a0They focus on their intense physical attraction and yet one, or both, is also talking of making a lasting commitment.\u00a0Sometimes this is out of a sense of insecurity and a desire to make sure the partner is locked into the relationship.<\/p>\n

Empty Love<\/strong>: This type of love may be found later in a relationship or in a relationship that was formed to meet needs other than intimacy or passion (money, childrearing, status).\u00a0Here the partners are committed to staying in the relationship (for the children, because of a religious conviction, or because there are no alternatives perhaps), but do not share ideas or feelings with each other and have no physical attraction for one another.<\/p>\n

Romantic Love<\/strong>: Intimacy and passion are components of romantic love, but there is no commitment.\u00a0The\u00a0partners spend much time with one another and enjoy their closeness but have not made plans to continue ‘no matter what’.\u00a0This\u00a0may be true because they are not in a position to make such commitments or because they are looking for passion and closeness and are afraid it will die out if they commit to one another and start to focus on other kinds of obligations.<\/p>\n

Companionate Love<\/strong>: Intimacy and commitment are the hallmarks of companionate love.\u00a0Partners love and respect one another and they are committed to staying together.\u00a0But their physical attraction may have never been strong or may have just died out.\u00a0This\u00a0may be interpreted as ‘just the way things are’ after so much time together or there may be a sense of regret and loss.\u00a0Nevertheless, partners are good friends committed to one another.<\/p>\n

Consummate Love<\/strong>: Intimacy, passion, and commitment are present in consummate love.\u00a0This\u00a0is often the ideal type of love.\u00a0The\u00a0couple shares passion; the spark has not died, and the closeness is there.\u00a0They feel like best friends as well as lovers and they are committed to staying together.<\/p>\n

Types of Lovers<\/h2>\n

Lee (1973) offers a theory of love styles or types of lovers derived from an analysis of writings about love through the centuries.\u00a0As you read these, think about how these styles might become part of the types of love described above.<\/p>\n

Pragma<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love that emphasizes the practical aspects of love.\u00a0The\u00a0pragmatic lover considers compatibility and the sensibility of their choice of partners.\u00a0This\u00a0lover will be concerned with goals in life, status, family reputation, attitudes about parenting, career issues and other practical concerns.<\/p>\n

Mania<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love characterized by volatility, insecurity, and possessiveness.\u00a0This\u00a0lover gets highly upset during arguments or breakups, may have trouble sleeping when in love, and feels emotions very intensely.<\/p>\n

Agape<\/strong>\u00a0is an altruistic, selfless love.\u00a0These partners give of themselves without expecting anything in return.\u00a0Such a lover places the partner’s happiness above their own and is self-sacrificing to benefit the partner.<\/p>\n

Eros<\/strong>\u00a0is an erotic style of loving in which the person feels consumed.\u00a0Physical chemistry and emotional involvement are important to this type of lover.<\/p>\n

Ludus<\/strong>\u00a0refers to a style of loving that emphasizes the game of seduction and fun.\u00a0Such a lover stays away from commitment and often has several love interests at the same time.\u00a0This\u00a0lover does not self-disclose and in fact may prefer to keep the other guessing.\u00a0This\u00a0lover can end a relationship easily.<\/p>\n

Storge<\/strong>\u00a0is a style of love that develops slowly over time.\u00a0It often begins as a friendship and becomes sexual much later. These partners are likely to remain friends even after the breakup.<\/p>\n

Frames of Relationships<\/h2>\n

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0A \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0H \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0M<\/h1>\n

Another useful way to consider relationships is to consider the amount of dependency in the relationship.\u00a0Davidson (1991) suggests three models.\u00a0The \u00a0A-frame<\/strong>\u00a0relationship is one in which the partners lean on one another and are highly dependent on the other for survival.\u00a0If one partner changes, the other is at risk of ‘falling over’.\u00a0This\u00a0type of relationship cannot easily accommodate change and the partners are vulnerable should change occur.\u00a0A breakup could be devastating.<\/p>\n

The\u00a0H-frame\u00a0<\/strong>relationship is one in which the partners live parallel lives.\u00a0They rarely spend time with one another and tend to have separate lives.\u00a0What time they do share is usually spent meeting obligations rather than sharing intimacies.\u00a0This\u00a0independent type of relationship can end without suffering emotionally.<\/p>\n

The\u00a0M-frame<\/strong>\u00a0relationship is interdependent.\u00a0Partners have a strong sense of connection but also are able to stand alone without suffering devastation.\u00a0If this relationship ends, partners will be hurt and saddened, but will still be able to stand alone.\u00a0This\u00a0ability comes from a strong sense of self-love.\u00a0Partners can love each other without losing a sense of self.\u00a0And each individual has self-respect and confidence that enriches the relationship as well as strengthens the self.<\/p>\n

We have been looking at love in the context of many kinds of relationships.\u00a0In our next lesson, we will focus more specifically on marital relationships.\u00a0But before we do, we examine the dynamics of falling in and out of love.<\/p>\n

The Process of Love and Breaking Up<\/h2>\n

Reiss (1960) provides a theory of love as process.\u00a0Based on the\u00a0wheel theory of love, love relationships begin with the establishment of\u00a0rapport.<\/p>\n

Rapport involves sharing likes, preferences, establishing some common interests.\u00a0The\u00a0next step is to begin to disclose more personal information through\u00a0self-revelation.\u00a0When one person begins to open up, the social expectation is that the other will follow and also share more personal information so that each has made some risk and trust is built.\u00a0Sexual intimacy may also become part of the relationship.\u00a0Gradually, partners begin to disclose even more about themselves and are met with support and acceptance as they build\u00a0mutual dependency.\u00a0With time, partners come to rely on each other for\u00a0need fulfillment.\u00a0The\u00a0wheel must continue in order for love to last.\u00a0It becomes important for partners to continue to establish rapport by discussing the day’s events, communicating about their goals and desires, and showing signs of trust.\u00a0Partners must continue to rely on one another to have certain needs fulfilled.\u00a0If the wheel turns backward, partners talk less and less, rely less on one another and are less likely to disclose.<\/p>\n

Process of Disaffection:\u00a0Breaking Up<\/h2>\n

When relationships are new, partners tend to give one another the benefit of the doubt and focus on what they like about one another.\u00a0Flaws and imperfections do not go unnoticed; rather, they are described as endearing qualities.\u00a0So, for example, the partner who has a very large nose is described as ‘distinguished’ or as having a ‘striking feature.’\u00a0This is very exhilarating because features that someone may have previously felt self-conscious about are now accepted or even appreciated.\u00a0However, once partners begin the process of breaking up, these views are abandoned and questionable qualities are once again flaws and imperfections.<\/p>\n

Kersten (1990) provides a look at the dynamics of breaking up.\u00a0Although this work is primarily about divorce, the dynamics of dissolving any long-term relationship are similar.\u00a0The\u00a0beginning phase\u00a0of breaking up involves seeing imperfections in the relationship but remaining hopeful that things will improve.\u00a0This\u00a0improvement will require the partner’s cooperation because they are primarily at fault.\u00a0So, as long as the offending partner makes the necessary changes, and of course the offended partner will provide the advice, support, and guidance required, the relationship will continue.\u00a0(If you are thinking that this is not going to work-you are right.\u00a0Attempts to change one’s partner are usually doomed to failure.\u00a0Would you want your partner to try to change you?)<\/p>\n

Once it becomes clear that efforts to change are futile, the\u00a0middle phase\u00a0is entered.\u00a0This\u00a0phase is marked by disappointment.\u00a0Partners talk less and less, make little eye contact, and grow further apart.\u00a0One may still try to make contact, but the other is clearly disengaged and is considering the benefits and costs of leaving the relationship.<\/p>\n

In the\u00a0end phase, the decision to leave has been made.\u00a0The\u00a0specific details are being worked out.\u00a0Turning a relationship around is very difficult at this point.\u00a0Trust has diminished, and thoughts have turned elsewhere.\u00a0This\u00a0stage is one of hopelessness.<\/p>\n

We will explore marriage, divorce, and cohabitation more fully in our next lesson.<\/p>\n\n\t\t\t

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Candela Citations<\/h3>\n\t\t\t\t\t
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