This assessment involves using a table to critique and rewrite a pair of related emails. Note that it is important for you to critique each element in the table and that you recognize that some elements have more than one problem.
Instructions: Read this email and the response to it. Use the table below to critique the elements in the original e-mail and then revise it and the response to it.
TO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com>
FROM: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com>
SENT: Wed, July 27, 2011
SUBJECT: Colt
Hello,
I have a 2 month old colt here you should probably consider as a stallion prospect. He’s by Crossroads Laurentianhttp://www.allbreedpedigree.com/crossroads+laurentian and out of Glorious Seed – http://www.pedigreequery.com/glorious+seed (with Bold Axe in her pedigree = priceless!!!)
He is liver chestnut with a crescent moon on his face and one small hind sock. Named The Glorious Mooner. He is stunning. Gorgeous mover. Reinhardt Blaumann put my mare together with Laurentian because she is so refined.
Crossroads Laurentian has sired some world beaters – Midnight Run, Once Again In Time and the deceased Highcliff Honors. The first two are Champ & Reserve every time out in 2011 I believe.
His half sister is winning with an amateur rider (I have attached two pictures of her). She is Champ most times out as well and always wins the hack too.
Sorry the picture of him was with my Blackberry. Let me know what you think. I’m trying to do some things here at the farm since my wife died and the time it takes are more than I can manage so he needs to be sold – $12,000. Thanks so much.
TO: Charles Beckner <beckner_farm@gmail.com>
FROM: A. Thomas Lighthouse <atlight@lighthousehorses.com>
CC: Caroline Woods <fortheloveofponies@yahoo.com>
SENT: Thursday, July 28, 2011
SUBJECT: Re: Colt/Stallion Prospect
Dear Charles,
Thank you for considering my program for your stallion prospect, and my condolences on the loss of your wife.
At this time, however, I am more than satisfied with the hunter prospects my mares are producing crossed on Glory Days Ben Earl.
I have cc’ed this email to Caroline Woods, a young lady here in Florida who is in the start-up phase of her own breeding operation. Since her family maintains property in Virginia, perhaps she will have a place for your colt in her plans. Good luck with him.
A. Thomas Lighthouse
Lighthorse Ranch, LLC
http://www.Lighthorse.com
Critique of E-Mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse
|
1. Salutation |
|
|
2. Subject line |
|
|
3. Content |
|
|
4. Tone |
|
|
5. Grammar |
|
|
6. Sentence and paragraph structure |
|
|
7. Closing paragraph |
|
|
8. Signature |
|
|
9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional. |
|
|
10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging. |
Completed Answer Key
Once you have completed the table, compare your work to The Saylor Foundation’s “Email Assessment Answers” below.
Realize, however, that while your revised emails should improve the elements you criticized, there are many ways to do so and thus the emails you produce will not be the same as the examples provided in the answers.
Critique of E-mail from Charles Beckner to A. Thomas Lighthouse
|
1. Salutation |
• Too informal and does not identify the recipient by name. |
|
2. Subject line |
• Insufficient information to identify the subject or purpose of e-mail. |
|
3. Content |
• Content is focused on sender’s information rather than recipient’s needs. • Descriptions are too subjective. • Important credibility-generating information (reference to presumed expert R. Blaumann) is buried instead of highlighted early. • Omitting words (“the picture . . . was with” instead of “the picture . . . was taken with”; “Sorry . . .” instead of “I am sorry…”) also illustrates excessive informality and corresponding lack of professionalism. |
|
4. Tone |
• Tone is very demanding and abrupt, producing an approach that is too casual and thus fails to establish a professional environment for any potential business transactions. |
|
5. Grammar |
• Needs to use complete sentences throughout, omit exclamations, reduce wordiness, avoid parenthetical afterthoughts, spell out abbreviations and numbers under 10, use words instead of symbols, omit unnecessary capitalization. Also contains some missing commas and subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., “the time . . . are” should be “the time . . . is”). |
|
6. Sentence and paragraph structure |
• Too many short, choppy sentences and paragraphs. • Lacks transitional devices to connect ideas. • Paragraphs should be merged so they do not exceed the three-paragraph standard. • Should embed hyperlinks to avoid sentence clutter. |
|
7. Closing paragraph |
• Should not have sent a poor image—lack of effort in presentation implies an unprofessional approach to the business relationship and is made more unfortunately memorable by emphasizing the problem in the closing paragraph. • The residual element “let me know what you think” is unlikely to spur action; the request is vague. • Inclusion of personal information to justify price is unnecessary and unprofessional. • Shorthand style referring to colt’s traits and to price is abrupt and does not prepare reader to receive important final points. • Thanking someone before they have done anything is presumptive and could imply carelessness, rushing, or lack of effort to end with a meaningful statement. |
|
8. Signature |
• Signature element is missing; it should be included to identify the business and provide additional contact information, such as an address. The e-mail address alone is insufficient. |
|
9. Rewrite the original e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is more professional. |
TO: A. Thomas Lighthouse <ATLight@LighthouseHorses.com> FROM: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com> Dear Mr. Lighthouse, I am contacting you to let you know about a nice colt I have: The Glorious Mooner, a two-month-old chestnut with a crescent moon on his face. Reinhardt Blaumann recommended that I breed my mare Glorious Seed (sired by Bold Ace) to Crossroads Laurentian last year, and this colt is the result. I am hoping you will recognize his potential as a breeding stallion. Crossroads Laurentian has himself sired some very nice show horses, including 2011 champions Midnight Run and Once Again In Time as well as the deceased Highcliff Honors. I do not have a picture of Crossroad Laurentian, but I have attached two pictures of his half sister, a frequent champion and consistent hack winner. Unfortunately, the picture I’ve attached of the Glorious Mooner was taken with my Blackberry, so it isn’t the best quality—but I do think the colt is! I have priced him at $12,000, but even if you aren’t interested in a purchase at this time, I’d appreciate getting your opinion of him. I am motivated to sell and respect your experience and judgment. Respectfully, Charles Beckner Beckner Farm |
|
10. Rewrite the responding e-mail so its flaws are corrected and its tone is warmer and more encouraging. |
TO: Charles Beckner <Beckner_Farm@gmail.com> Dear Charles, I was saddened to learn of your wife’s passing. Please extend my condolences to your family and recognize that I am honored that you would consider my breeding program during these difficult times. |