Loss is an inevitable part of life. Humans experience smaller losses and larger losses throughout the lifespan.  A child’s first loss may be the loss of a toy. How we respond to smaller losses is practice for the larger losses that we will encounter.  Even with the smaller losses, we may notice that we experience Stages of Grief or Loss.  These stages do not have to occur in the exact order and not all individuals experience all stages in the same way.

• Denial – Psychological denial that something has happened
• Anger – Emotion occurring when reality of the loss sets in
• Bargaining – Trying to make a deal that will negate the loss
• Depression – Feeling very low (not the same as diagnosed clinical depression)
• Acceptance – This is not saying that you are glad the loss happened, but that you are at a point where you have found a place for it in your psyche.

Children may experience a variety of losses depending on their circumstances.  Multiple losses could be experienced as the result of a divorce.  One parent will no longer be living in the house. A child may need to move, which in addition to the loss of a familiar house, could result in the need to change schools and lose old friends.

Some children may have a loss related to their health. There are children without use of parts of their body. There are children will illnesses and disabilities as well. Children with life-threatening illness are usually able to guess their condition by interpreting the behavior of adults.

Others may experience a loss of childhood if they have had to take on responsibilities that normally would be placed on adults.  This could occur in a situation where a parent is unavailable to carry out the responsibilities of a parent due to addiction or another issue.

The most common death for a child in most cases would be the loss of a pet.  Unfortunately, children are sometimes ridiculed for their emotional responses to the loss of a pet.  It is important for someone who has lost a pet to express their feelings about the loss. Instead of replacing the pet immediately, it is better to first help the child explore feelings and experience the grieving process.

In some cases, a child may experience the loss of a parent.  Children can lose parents via death or non-death circumstances such as addiction or incarceration. This often involves feelings of loss of security, as well as a loss of nurturing and affection.  Long term studies of children who have lost a parent reveal that most children construct an inner representation, via memories, feelings, and actions, which is used to maintain a relationship with the parent.  The nature of the representation changes as the child grows older.

One hundred years ago, children were much more likely to experience the death of a sibling or a classmate.  Nowadays, such a loss is not nearly as common. The death of a sibling may increase a child’s sense of vulnerability, as in many cases a child’s perception is that only “old” people die.

When a loss is sudden, it may be much more difficult for a child to begin adjusting.  A death due to a long term illness, separation, or planning to move would be somewhat easier as there has been time to process.  If a child is informed, a gradual transition will be easier for the child to deal with and accept.

A child’s experience with loss will vary depending on the individual child.  Their experience will reflect the influence of their age and stage of development.  Children’s developmental levels do not always correspond exactly with the chronological age of the child. A child with previous experience with death and loss will likely develop a mature concept of death more quickly than a child without experience.  Many children reach a mature understanding of death between the ages of 9 and 12.  At that point, they realize that death is universal and inevitable.

Adult attitudes and family communication also have a significant influence on a child’s experience of grief. It is important to understand that children express grief in different ways.  They may cry or they might not.  Some children express grief through playing or drawing.  The method and duration of the grieving process is different for every individual, whether child or adult.

Death/Loss Education

Parents or caregivers may be hesitant to talk about death and loss with children.  At times, the thought process is that sheltering a child from death and loss will protect them.  Unfortunately, sheltering can make inevitable life losses more difficult for children.

We can help children early on by acknowledging their experience with the grief process beginning with smaller losses. Talking about the death of a wild animal that is lying on the side of the road allows for discussion of the biological aspects of death.  Although it may be an unsightly reality that we’d like to avoid, using it as a “teachable moment” can be beneficial in the long run.  Depending on the age and maturity of the child, you may use a less or more complex description.  The heart and the lungs are no longer working, so the animal could no longer live.  You can discuss the need for the heart to pump blood throughout the body and the need for the lungs to function to bring oxygen in to the body.  Waiting until a loved-one dies to explain the basics of death is more difficult due to the emotional attachment involved.  Providing education regarding the biological aspects of death also helps the child to realize that there are reasons for death. Otherwise, they may have a fear that death could happen randomly.

Should we use the following explanations?

• Just tell Suze that Aunt Jo went on vacation.
• Tell Alan that Grandpa is taking a long, peaceful nap.

Adults should be careful about using examples when trying to explain death.  The example explanations are problematic.  First of all, because they are not true and can damage trust and credibility.  Secondly, they can result in a child having fear of sleep or vacation.

In discussing death with children, it is important to listen and verify understanding. Children have been known to carry myths and untruths in their minds for years.  These can make them more fearful and they may be afraid to bring up the subject with an adult who seems hesitant. Books for children and adolescents can be a good source of information about death and bereavement.

The Educator’s Role

Teachers are often in the best position to notice when a child is having difficulty dealing with a loss.  There may be a difference in the child’s demeanor and a change in performance. A teacher can help facilitate forward progress by cautiously sharing observations with caregivers and asking how the child is doing at home.

Being attentive and supportive can allow a teacher to become an important support for a child at a time of loss.

• Pay close attention to the content and mood of the child’s verbalizations, play themes, stories, and drawings. The better you understand his or her feelings, the easier it will be for you to comfort and support.
• Each child who has experienced loss should be free to communicate her pain and bewilderment when ready. Forcing the issue is likely to result in the child shutting down.
• If a child senses your discomfort with the topic, he may not bring it up even when he is ready to.
• Be sensitive to any inappropriate remarks from other children and address.

Key Points for Educators and Caregivers – Death/Loss Education

• Be open, direct, and age appropriate
• Don’t put off talking about the topic of death
• Make use of “teachable moment”
• Verify understanding
• Discuss and acknowledge feelings
• Allow involvement in grief/funeral process
• Be accepting of the various ways children may express grief
• Provide ongoing opportunities to discuss and remember
• Promote healthy coping
• Promote use of support systems, counseling