Healthy Communication

Communication is a core aspect of healthy relationships. Building healthy relationships involves understanding each other’s expectations. Communication skills are very important in establishing and maintaining all kinds of relationships. Improving your communication skills with respectful, effective communication, without resorting to inappropriate or abusive behaviors such as screaming, yelling, swearing, pushing, shoving, and slamming doors will significantly impact your relationships and affect the lives of others, including any children that you may have, in a negative or positive way.

Children learn how to communicate from the people they are around.  If the adults in their lives have poor communication habits, then unfortunately those children usually pick up those habits.  As adults, we may have learned those habits at home and did not realize they were unhealthy.  Once the realization is made, an adult can make the choice to work on improving communication skills that will have a more positive influence on the children in their lives.

No one is perfect, and it can be very challenging to build positive communication skills when we have not had practice with them.  Being patient with ourselves and admitting that we are human are steps in the right direction,

Are you more passive, aggressive or assertive?

Passive means that you sit back and do not say much, if anything.  Aggressive is the other end of the spectrum with blunt communication that could likely be perceived as intimidating by the other person.  Assertive is in the middle, where the individual will speak up, yet attempts to be thoughtful about timing and wording.  For the best potential outcome with the messy roommate, it would be best to try assertive communication.

Nobody is a perfect communicator, but we can work to become better communicators by incorporating a few strategies. Better communication, however, starts with one person making the effort, which often encourages others as well. You can work to improve your relationships by using healthy communication strategies such as those described below.

1. Talk Face to Face – Avoid talking about issues via text messages or emails whenever possible, as they can be easily misinterpreted. Talk in person so there aren’t any unnecessary miscommunications. If you’re having trouble collecting your thoughts, consider writing them down ahead of time and reading them out loud.
2. Practice the Pause – If someone does something that makes you really angry, you don’t have to address it right at that moment. Consider waiting. Bringing it up when both of you are calm will be much more productive.
3. Listen – We can be so focused on the things we want to say, that we do not really hear what is being said by the other person. The first two listening techniques can be very beneficial for effective communication.

• Active listening requires that the listener fully concentrate, understand, respond and then remember what is being said. Body language indicates full engagement and the listener nods or otherwise indicates their full attention.
• Reflective listening – Listen and then offer the idea back to the speaker, to confirm the idea has been accurately understood. Clarify issues, rather than making assumptions.
• Competitive or Combative Listening happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view.
• Passive Listening is listening without reacting. The person is allowed to speak without interruption. The listener is not responding. The other person may be unsure if they are being heard.

4. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Statements – Starting statements with “You” can bring up the other person’s defenses and prevent a positive outcome in a situation. When you say “You” this, or “You” that, it instantly sounds like blaming to the other person and they will be less receptive to whatever you have to say. Say how you feel, and identify who and what makes you feel that way. Own the feeling and be specific. “I feel X when X happens”. For example, “I feel angry when I am asked to change my plans to accommodate yours.” Or say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant.”
5. State what you need – Others cannot read your mind. Share your goals and preferences. “I want you to spend more time with me doing the things that I enjoy.”
6. Pay attention to nonverbal signals. Nonverbal communication is your body language, tone of voice, inflection, eye contact, and distance from the other person. Let the person know you’re really listening by giving them your full attention: sit up, face them and make eye contact when speaking. Don’t take a phone call, text or play a video game when you’re talking.
7. Be open, honest, and build trust – One lie leads to more lies. Pretending everything is alright isn’t alright. The silent treatment is not helpful. Being open means talking about things you may have never talked about with another human being. There is potential for hurt and disappointment but also allows for the full potential of a relationship.
8. Stay in the Present. – Arguments that veer off into past issues tend to escalate. If there is a theme with related scenarios, practice the pause and wait for a time when you are both calm to bring up that discussion.

9. Use humor – You can avoid many potentially difficult scenarios by using humor or playfulness. Humor can also help you express feelings that would be otherwise difficult to express.
10. Respect Each Other – Be respectful of differences. Avoid disrespectful words and actions.
11. Compromise – Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships, but it’s important that you find a way to compromise if you disagree on something.
12. Be willing to end an argument – Would you rather be in a happy relationship where you respect the other person, even if you may occasionally disagree with them? Or would you rather be in an unhappy relationship where you know you’re always right, no matter what? It just comes down to your priorities — if being “right” is more important to you than your partner’s happiness, then maybe you haven’t found the right partner.

One person needs to make an effort and de-escalate the argument, even if it means walking away from it, literally. But do so as respectfully as possible, saying something like, “Look, I can see this isn’t going to get any better by discussing it tonight. Let’s sleep on it and try talking about it in the morning, okay?”

Responding to Inappropriate Emails/Social Media Posts/Cyberbullying

Many of us receive messages or see posts that are inappropriate.  They often trigger emotions and tempt us to respond quickly with a post that might not be so appropriate either.  BUT WAIT…………. Once your reply is posted/sent, it is out there, so it is very beneficial to pause and be thoughtful with our responses.

Practice the Pause – We do need to be thoughtful with our dialogue. It is good to stand up for what is right, but being aggressive in a response will likely just make things worse.  Take some time to digest the offensive post and draft your response before posting any reply.  There are ways to explain why things are inappropriate and if it is well said, you may be able to gain understanding and the respect of many.

Do Not Forward or Share. Stop inappropriate posts from spreading. Don’t forward it or share. A simple deletion isn’t the same as speaking up, of course — it does nothing to bring attention to the offense — but it’s a solid first step in breaking the chain.

Reporting – Be aware that reporting to an administrator on social media does not often result in a person’s post being taken down.  It seems like it would be a good non-confrontational solution, however, that doesn’t do anything to address the inappropriate post either.  You can certainly do the report, but don’t expect that it would have an impact on the offender.  In the case of sexting, reporting may be appropriate and much more effective.

Post a Reply. If you can be successful in posting an appropriate reply for all to see, you may be able to have a great positive influence via social media. It may take some time to think of the words to move things in a positive direction, however, it is a good investment if you can get some constructive commentary going. In a diplomatic way, respond as to why the person may want to re-think such a post.  If the situation lends itself, you may be able to post some factual information (with a reliable source included, of course).  Others then may follow your example. Imagine the powerful statement that would be made if all recipients responded in this way. If you feel like you cannot reply in a way that will move toward something constructive, then do not post a reply.

Private Message or Reply to Sender Only – Letting the offender know that their post/message was not acceptable is a further step forward in comparison with simply ignoring or deleting from your page.  It can be as simple as, you find it offensive, or that such posts aren’t funny, or explaining that stereotypes are unfair and harmful.  You might find it easier to create a reply that only the poster/sender will see.  This is better than not communicating about it.