{"id":203,"date":"2019-01-16T00:15:29","date_gmt":"2019-01-16T00:15:29","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-oneonta-communication\/chapter\/7-1-foundations-of-relationships\/"},"modified":"2020-06-26T16:03:25","modified_gmt":"2020-06-26T16:03:25","slug":"7-1-foundations-of-relationships","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-oneonta-communication\/chapter\/7-1-foundations-of-relationships\/","title":{"raw":"16.1 Foundations of Relationships","rendered":"16.1 Foundations of Relationships"},"content":{"raw":"
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Learning Objectives<\/h3>\r\n
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  1. Distinguish between personal and social relationships.<\/li>\r\n \t
  2. Describe stages of relational interaction.<\/li>\r\n \t
  3. Discuss social exchange theory.<\/li>\r\n<\/ol>\r\n<\/div>\r\n

    We can begin to classify key relationships we have by distinguishing between our personal and our social relationships (VanLear, Koerner, & Allen, 2006). Personal relationships<\/a><\/span> meet emotional, relational, and instrumental needs, as they are intimate, close, and interdependent relationships such as those we have with best friends, partners, or immediate family. Social relationships<\/a><\/span> are relationships that occasionally meet our needs and lack the closeness and interdependence of personal relationships. Examples of social relationships include coworkers, distant relatives, and acquaintances. Another distinction useful for categorizing relationships is whether or not they are voluntary. For example, some personal relationships are voluntary, like those with romantic partners, and some are involuntary, like those with close siblings. Likewise, some social relationships are voluntary, like those with acquaintances, and some are involuntary, like those with neighbors or distant relatives. You can see how various relationships fall into each of these dimensions in Figure 7.1 \"Types of Relationships\"<\/a>. Now that we have a better understanding of how we define relationships, we\u2019ll examine the stages that most of our relationships go through as they move from formation to termination.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

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    Figure 7.1<\/span> Types of Relationships<\/p>\r\n\"image\"<\/a>\r\n

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    Source: Adapted from C. Arthur VanLear, Ascan Koerner, and Donna M. Allen, \u201cRelationship Typologies,\u201d in The Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships<\/em>, eds. Anita L. Vangelisti and Daniel Perlman (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2006), 95.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Stages of Relational Interaction<\/h2>\r\n

    Communication is at the heart of forming our interpersonal relationships. We reach the achievement of relating through the everyday conversations and otherwise trivial interactions that form the fabric of our relationships. It is through our communication that we adapt to the dynamic nature of our relational worlds, given that relational partners do not enter each encounter or relationship with compatible expectations. Communication allows us to test and be tested by our potential and current relational partners. It is also through communication that we respond when someone violates or fails to meet those expectations (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2009).<\/p>\r\n

    There are ten established stages of interaction that can help us understand how relationships come together and come apart (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2009). We will discuss each stage in more detail, but in Table 7.1 \"Relationship Stages\"<\/a> you will find a list of the communication stages. We should keep the following things in mind about this model of relationship development: relational partners do not always go through the stages sequentially, some relationships do not experience all the stages, we do not always consciously move between stages, and coming together and coming apart are not inherently good or bad. As we have already discussed, relationships are always changing\u2014they are dynamic. Although this model has been applied most often to romantic relationships, most relationships follow a similar pattern that may be adapted to a particular context.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

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    Table 7.1<\/span> Relationship Stages<\/p>\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n
    Process<\/th>\r\nStage<\/th>\r\nRepresentative Communication<\/th>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n<\/thead>\r\n
    Coming Together<\/td>\r\nInitiating<\/td>\r\n\u201cMy name\u2019s Rich. It\u2019s nice to meet you.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Experimenting<\/td>\r\n\u201cI like to cook and refinish furniture in my spare time. What about you?\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Intensifying<\/td>\r\n\u201cI feel like we\u2019ve gotten a lot closer over the past couple months.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Integrating<\/td>\r\n(To friend) \u201cWe just opened a joint bank account.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Bonding<\/td>\r\n\u201cI can\u2019t wait to tell my parents that we decided to get married!\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Coming Apart<\/td>\r\nDifferentiating<\/td>\r\n\u201cI\u2019d really like to be able to hang out with my friends sometimes.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Circumscribing<\/td>\r\n\u201cDon\u2019t worry about problems I\u2019m having at work. I can deal with it.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Stagnating<\/td>\r\n(To self) \u201cI don\u2019t know why I even asked him to go out to dinner. He never wants to go out and have a good time.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Avoiding<\/td>\r\n\u201cI have a lot going on right now, so I probably won\u2019t be home as much.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n
    Terminating<\/td>\r\n\u201cIt\u2019s important for us both to have some time apart. I know you\u2019ll be fine.\u201d<\/td>\r\n<\/tr>\r\n<\/tbody>\r\n<\/table>\r\n
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    Source: Adapted from Mark L. Knapp and Anita L. Vangelisti, Interpersonal Communication and Human Relationships<\/em> (Boston, MA: Pearson, 2009), 34.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Initiating<\/h2>\r\n

    In the initiating stage<\/a><\/span>, people size each other up and try to present themselves favorably. Whether you run into someone in the hallway at school or in the produce section at the grocery store, you scan the person and consider any previous knowledge you have of them, expectations for the situation, and so on. Initiating is influenced by several factors.<\/p>\r\n

    If you encounter a stranger, you may say, \u201cHi, my name\u2019s Rich.\u201d If you encounter a person you already know, you\u2019ve already gone through this before, so you may just say, \u201cWhat\u2019s up?\u201d Time constraints also affect initiation. A quick passing calls for a quick hello, while a scheduled meeting may entail a more formal start. If you already know the person, the length of time that\u2019s passed since your last encounter will affect your initiation. For example, if you see a friend from high school while home for winter break, you may set aside a long block of time to catch up; however, if you see someone at work that you just spoke to ten minutes earlier, you may skip initiating communication. The setting also affects how we initiate conversations, as we communicate differently at a crowded bar than we do on an airplane. Even with all this variation, people typically follow typical social scripts for interaction at this stage.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Experimenting<\/h2>\r\n

    The scholars who developed these relational stages have likened the experimenting stage<\/a><\/span>, where people exchange information and often move from strangers to acquaintances, to the \u201csniffing ritual\u201d of animals (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2009). A basic exchange of information is typical as the experimenting stage begins. For example, on the first day of class, you may chat with the person sitting beside you and take turns sharing your year in school, hometown, residence hall, and major. Then you may branch out and see if there are any common interests that emerge. Finding out you\u2019re both St. Louis Cardinals fans could then lead to more conversation about baseball and other hobbies or interests; however, sometimes the experiment may fail. If your attempts at information exchange with another person during the experimenting stage are met with silence or hesitation, you may interpret their lack of communication as a sign that you shouldn\u2019t pursue future interaction.<\/p>\r\n

    Experimenting continues in established relationships. Small talk, a hallmark of the experimenting stage, is common among young adults catching up with their parents when they return home for a visit or committed couples when they recount their day while preparing dinner. Small talk can be annoying sometimes, especially if you feel like you have to do it out of politeness. I have found, for example, that strangers sometimes feel the need to talk to me at the gym (even when I have ear buds in). Although I\u2019d rather skip the small talk and just work out, I follow social norms of cheerfulness and politeness and engage in small talk. Small talk serves important functions, such as creating a communicative entry point that can lead people to uncover topics of conversation that go beyond the surface level, helping us audition someone to see if we\u2019d like to talk to them further, and generally creating a sense of ease and community with others. And even though small talk isn\u2019t viewed as very substantive, the authors of this model of relationships indicate that most of our relationships do not progress far beyond this point (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2009).<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Intensifying<\/h2>\r\n

    As we enter the intensifying stage<\/a><\/span>, we indicate that we would like or are open to more intimacy, and then we wait for a signal of acceptance before we attempt more intimacy. This incremental intensification of intimacy can occur over a period of weeks, months, or years and may involve inviting a new friend to join you at a party, then to your place for dinner, then to go on vacation with you. It would be seen as odd, even if the experimenting stage went well, to invite a person who you\u2019re still getting to know on vacation with you without engaging in some less intimate interaction beforehand. In order to save face and avoid making ourselves overly vulnerable, steady progression is key in this stage. Aside from sharing more intense personal time, requests for and granting favors may also play into intensification of a relationship. For example, one friend helping the other prepare for a big party on their birthday can increase closeness. However, if one person asks for too many favors or fails to reciprocate favors granted, then the relationship can become unbalanced, which could result in a transition to another stage, such as differentiating.<\/p>\r\n

    Other signs of the intensifying stage include creation of nicknames, inside jokes, and personal idioms; increased use of we<\/em> and our<\/em>; increased communication about each other\u2019s identities (e.g., \u201cMy friends all think you are really laid back and easy to get along with\u201d); and a loosening of typical restrictions on possessions and personal space (e.g., you have a key to your best friend\u2019s apartment and can hang out there if your roommate is getting on your nerves). Navigating the changing boundaries between individuals in this stage can be tricky, which can lead to conflict or uncertainty about the relationship\u2019s future as new expectations for relationships develop. Successfully managing this increasing closeness can lead to relational integration.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Integrating<\/h2>\r\n

    In the integrating stage<\/a><\/span>, two people\u2019s identities and personalities merge, and a sense of interdependence develops. Even though this stage is most evident in romantic relationships, there are elements that appear in other relationship forms. Some verbal and nonverbal signals of the integrating stage are when the social networks of two people merge; those outside the relationship begin to refer to or treat the relational partners as if they were one person (e.g., always referring to them together\u2014\u201cLet\u2019s invite Olaf and Bettina\u201d); or the relational partners present themselves as one unit (e.g., both signing and sending one holiday card or opening a joint bank account). Even as two people integrate, they likely maintain some sense of self by spending time with friends and family separately, which helps balance their needs for independence and connection.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Bonding<\/h2>\r\n

    The bonding stage<\/a><\/span> includes a public ritual that announces formal commitment. These types of rituals include weddings, commitment ceremonies, and civil unions. Obviously, this stage is almost exclusively applicable to romantic couples. In some ways, the bonding ritual is arbitrary, in that it can occur at any stage in a relationship. In fact, bonding rituals are often later annulled or reversed because a relationship doesn\u2019t work out, perhaps because there wasn\u2019t sufficient time spent in the experimenting or integrating phases. However, bonding warrants its own stage because the symbolic act of bonding can have very real effects on how two people communicate about and perceive their relationship. For example, the formality of the bond may lead the couple and those in their social network to more diligently maintain the relationship if conflict or stress threatens it.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

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    \"7-1-1n\"<\/a>\r\n

    The bonding stage eventually leads to the terminating stage for many relationships, as about 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce (Perman, 2011).<\/p>\r\n\r\n

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    Pixabay<\/a> - public domain.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Differentiating<\/h2>\r\n

    Individual differences can present a challenge at any given stage in the relational interaction model; however, in the differentiating stage<\/a><\/span>, communicating these differences becomes a primary focus. Differentiating is the reverse of integrating, as we<\/em> and our<\/em> reverts back to I<\/em> and my<\/em>. People may try to reboundary some of their life prior to the integrating of the current relationship, including other relationships or possessions. For example, Carrie may reclaim friends who became \u201cshared\u201d as she got closer to her roommate Julie and their social networks merged by saying, \u201cI\u2019m having my friends<\/em> over to the apartment and would like to have privacy for the evening.\u201d Differentiating may onset in a relationship that bonded before the individuals knew each other in enough depth and breadth. Even in relationships where the bonding stage is less likely to be experienced, such as a friendship, unpleasant discoveries about the other person\u2019s past, personality, or values during the integrating or experimenting stage could lead a person to begin differentiating.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Circumscribing<\/h2>\r\n

    To circumscribe means to draw a line around something or put a boundary around it (Oxford English Dictionary Online, 2011). So in the circumscribing stage<\/a><\/span>, communication decreases and certain areas or subjects become restricted as individuals verbally close themselves off from each other. They may say things like \u201cI don\u2019t want to talk about that anymore\u201d or \u201cYou mind your business and I\u2019ll mind mine.\u201d If one person was more interested in differentiating in the previous stage, or the desire to end the relationship is one-sided, verbal expressions of commitment may go unechoed\u2014for example, when one person\u2019s statement, \u201cI know we\u2019ve had some problems lately, but I still like being with you,\u201d is met with silence. Passive-aggressive behavior and the demand-withdrawal conflict pattern, which we discussed in Chapter 6 \"Interpersonal Communication Processes\"<\/a>, may occur more frequently in this stage. Once the increase in boundaries and decrease in communication becomes a pattern, the relationship further deteriorates toward stagnation.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Stagnating<\/h2>\r\n

    During the stagnating stage<\/a><\/span>, the relationship may come to a standstill, as individuals basically wait for the relationship to end. Outward communication may be avoided, but internal communication may be frequent. The relational conflict flaw of mindreading takes place as a person\u2019s internal thoughts lead them to avoid communication. For example, a person may think, \u201cThere\u2019s no need to bring this up again, because I know exactly how he\u2019ll react!\u201d This stage can be prolonged in some relationships. Parents and children who are estranged, couples who are separated and awaiting a divorce, or friends who want to end a relationship but don\u2019t know how to do it may have extended periods of stagnation. Short periods of stagnation may occur right after a failed exchange in the experimental stage, where you may be in a situation that\u2019s not easy to get out of, but the person is still there. Although most people don\u2019t like to linger in this unpleasant stage, some may do so to avoid potential pain from termination, some may still hope to rekindle the spark that started the relationship, or some may enjoy leading their relational partner on.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Avoiding<\/h2>\r\n

    Moving to the avoiding stage<\/a><\/span> may be a way to end the awkwardness that comes with stagnation, as people signal that they want to close down the lines of communication. Communication in the avoiding stage can be very direct\u2014\u201cI don\u2019t want to talk to you anymore\u201d\u2014or more indirect\u2014\u201cI have to meet someone in a little while, so I can\u2019t talk long.\u201d While physical avoidance such as leaving a room or requesting a schedule change at work may help clearly communicate the desire to terminate the relationship, we don\u2019t always have that option. In a parent-child relationship, where the child is still dependent on the parent, or in a roommate situation, where a lease agreement prevents leaving, people may engage in cognitive dissociation, which means they mentally shut down and ignore the other person even though they are still physically copresent.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Terminating<\/h2>\r\n

    The terminating stage<\/a><\/span> of a relationship can occur shortly after initiation or after a ten- or twenty-year relational history has been established. Termination can result from outside circumstances such as geographic separation or internal factors such as changing values or personalities that lead to a weakening of the bond. Termination exchanges involve some typical communicative elements and may begin with a summary message that recaps the relationship and provides a reason for the termination (e.g., \u201cWe\u2019ve had some ups and downs over our three years together, but I\u2019m getting ready to go to college, and I either want to be with someone who is willing to support me, or I want to be free to explore who I am.\u201d). The summary message may be followed by a distance message that further communicates the relational drift that has occurred (e.g., \u201cWe\u2019ve really grown apart over the past year\u201d), which may be followed by a disassociation message that prepares people to be apart by projecting what happens after the relationship ends (e.g., \u201cI know you\u2019ll do fine without me. You can use this time to explore your options and figure out if you want to go to college too or not.\u201d). Finally, there is often a message regarding the possibility for future communication in the relationship (e.g., \u201cI think it would be best if we don\u2019t see each other for the first few months, but text me if you want to.\u201d) (Knapp & Vangelisti, 2009). These ten stages of relational development provide insight into the complicated processes that affect relational formation and deterioration. We also make decisions about our relationships by weighing costs and rewards.<\/p>\r\n\r\n<\/div>\r\n<\/div>\r\n

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    Social Exchange Theory<\/h2>\r\n

    Social exchange theory<\/a><\/span> essentially entails a weighing of the costs and rewards in a given relationship (Harvey & Wenzel, 2006). Rewards are outcomes that we get from a relationship that benefit us in some way, while costs range from granting favors to providing emotional support. When we do not receive the outcomes or rewards that we think we deserve, then we may negatively evaluate the relationship, or at least a given exchange or moment in the relationship, and view ourselves as being underbenefited. In an equitable relationship, costs and rewards are balanced, which usually leads to a positive evaluation of the relationship and satisfaction.<\/p>\r\n

    Commitment and interdependence are important interpersonal and psychological dimensions of a relationship that relate to social exchange theory. Interdependence refers to the relationship between a person\u2019s well-being and involvement in a particular relationship. A person will feel interdependence in a relationship when (1) satisfaction is high or the relationship meets important needs; (2) the alternatives are not good, meaning the person\u2019s needs couldn\u2019t be met without the relationship; or (3) investment in the relationship is high, meaning that resources might decrease or be lost without the relationship (Harvey & Wenzel, 2006).<\/p>\r\n

    We can be cautioned, though, to not view social exchange theory as a tit-for-tat accounting of costs and rewards (Noller, 2006). We wouldn\u2019t be very good relational partners if we carried around a little notepad, notating each favor or good deed we completed so we can expect its repayment. As noted earlier, we all become aware of the balance of costs and rewards at some point in our relationships, but that awareness isn\u2019t persistent. We also have communal relationships, in which members engage in a relationship for mutual benefit and do not expect returns on investments such as favors or good deeds (Harvey & Wenzel, 2006). As the dynamics in a relationship change, we may engage communally without even being aware of it, just by simply enjoying the relationship. It has been suggested that we become more aware of the costs and rewards balance when a relationship is going through conflict (Noller, 2006). Overall, relationships are more likely to succeed when there is satisfaction and commitment, meaning that we are pleased in a relationship intrinsically or by the rewards we receive.<\/p>\r\n\r\n

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    Key Takeaways<\/h3>\r\n