{"id":55,"date":"2017-05-04T17:08:23","date_gmt":"2017-05-04T17:08:23","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-teaching-autoethnography\/chapter\/what-i-never-thought\/"},"modified":"2017-05-04T18:04:03","modified_gmt":"2017-05-04T18:04:03","slug":"what-i-never-thought","status":"publish","type":"chapter","link":"https:\/\/courses.lumenlearning.com\/suny-teaching-autoethnography\/chapter\/what-i-never-thought\/","title":{"raw":"What I Never Thought","rendered":"What I Never Thought"},"content":{"raw":"
\r\n\r\nEverything worth knowing in life I learned sitting behind a bar. I go to a bar every night after work, or class just to wind down. It\u2019s on the corner of 4th and 2nd. It\u2019s not a nice bar, either. \u2018Divey\u2019 would be a euphemism. It always smells like old beer and rotting wood and inadvertently, a little like home. Time for a drink. I have a usual depending on the day of the week or time of the night I stroll in. The weekday bartender, Mark, greets me with a smile and a hug from across the bar. He generally has forgotten deodorant that day. He asks about life and school. Topics that are place holders till I have a husband and kids. \u201cMakers, neat?\u201d he asks. The answer is always \u201cyes, sir.\u201d\r\n\r\nMaybe I\u2019ll have just two for that night. If I don\u2019t have much to do the next day, I\u2019ll keep drinking until Mark stops offering. It\u2019s always so hard for me to tell how drunk I am at this bar. They don\u2019t have mirrors in the bathroom and looking at my sloppy ass in the mirror gives me a more accurate reading than a breathalyzer.\r\n\r\nThe first thing I\u2019ve learned is that I look great in dim bar lighting. No mirrors in the bathroom, but plenty behind the bar. Counterintuitive, I know. I also understand that most people probably do look better in the absence of light, but I think I gain at least three points on the 1\u201310 scale of attractiveness. Maybe the average person gains only one or two. I don\u2019t know what this says about me in full spectrum lighting, but you can\u2019t win \u2019em all. I think I just called myself ugly. It took coming to this bar for a couple months to start to feel like I was at least over a 6. Having guys come up to me and want to buy me a drink is very validating. I generally don\u2019t need the drink. (I have one in my hand.) And I certainly am not looking for someone to take me home. (I like my bed just fine.) But, I\u2019m no stranger to the fact that having someone size you up really makes a night feel worth it. Makes the pleat in my pants worth my time, so to speak.\r\n\r\nThe second thing is everyone likes \u201cEasy\u201d by Lionel Richie. I always throw a buck in the jukebox and play this song. Even if all seven of the people in the bar decided to be a square that night, like most nights, people will start toe tapping, mouthing lyrics or even bobbing their head. Maybe they think it\u2019s \u201cMidnight Train to Georgia\u201d by Gladys Knight & the Pips, which if you aren\u2019t really paying attention sounds just like \u201cEasy.\u201d\r\n\r\nThirdly, the more people know your name at a bar, the more your life is like a movie. I once pulled out my ID at the door to show the bouncer as a mindless formality, even though he is the same bouncer that I deal with on a daily basis. He said \u201cwhat the fuck do you want me to do with this?\u201d It was awesome. I\u2019ve made friends with the bartenders. We catch up on life between drinks as they mop the bar down with a rag. I know about their break ups, they know about mine. And if they have to step away to get someone a drink, they always remember were we dropped the pin in the conversation.\r\n\r\nI never thought that I\u2019d end up spending my nights at a shitty dive in the East Village. I never thought I would be one of those people who would \u201cwind down\u201d with a drink at the end of the night. Everyone needs their own way of healing. From an actual event or just from the long day. Everyone needs shelter. Some people go out and spend money they don\u2019t have, or clench their fists and slam their silverware. I just have a drink. I let it bloom in my chest until it feels like I just put on a blanket. I also never thought I would be this much like my father. But, I also never thought I would enjoy it so much.\r\n
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Discussion Questions<\/h3>\r\n